tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post8349640183588366024..comments2023-08-05T07:19:13.900-07:00Comments on Missing Maxie: My commitment to healingAbby Levisshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15748394086960661826noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post-6798348312140742082012-09-23T09:43:09.751-07:002012-09-23T09:43:09.751-07:00Of many excellent points, what stood out to me was...Of many excellent points, what stood out to me was, "How aggressive!"<br /><br />Yes - and no wonder you feel, then, a need to defend yourself. They ARE being aggressive. They are trying to control your feelings and your reality and somehow erase the truth that is Maxie's death. They can't. So they keep pushing, shoving, stepping on you.<br /><br />No wonder this makes you angry. No wonder you don't feel "helped." No wonder it is such a tangle, when on the surface "help" is being offered - but all the while you feel the iron grip tightening.<br /><br />No wonder this makes you feel "crazy" sometimes (and you are FAR FROM CRAZY)...because it is not what it seems.<br /><br />You, unavoidably, hellishly, live in Reality. They deny it. And they don't *admit* denying it.<br /><br />Who is crazy, here?<br /><br />Not you,<br /><br />CiMCathy in Missourinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post-12056563965887466802012-09-22T22:14:06.463-07:002012-09-22T22:14:06.463-07:00I think it really depends on the person. There are...I think it really depends on the person. There are some people whom I think are uncomfortable with grief and want it gone, so they want to control you and your emotions so that they can feel better about it. There are others, though, who I think just say it to have something to say and really don't think about the meaning behind their words. I have a lot of older friends (70s and 80s) and when they tell me that I "need to move on", I take it with a grain of salt. They grew up in a different time and in the area of the country where I am from, grief is an extremely private thing that nobody from that generation would ever have talked about publicly. My own grandmother, for instance, watched her infant starve to death and die in front of her eyes and she was helpless to do anything about it (she wouldn't take her milk and doctors wouldn't help her) yet she never talked about that daughter or shared her feelings. Likewise, my favorite aunt (she's 82) had her 10 year old daughter die of meningitis. In a conversation with me, she told me a year after Toby died that I needed to put it all behind me. I could have taken that as being cold and manipulative. I just hugged her and smiled, feeling hurt and confused but still loving her. Later, my cousin (her daughter) told me that even two years after Toby died she still catches my aunt crying for me and saying how awful she feels for me. I have never seen that side of her, but apparently it's there. Again, I think there is a cultural and generational thing going on. <br /><br />For the most part, though, I think that people are just insensitive bastards and they want us to feel better so that they can feel better. I've been writing and saying that for almost two years now.Rebeccanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post-90915928157705507292012-09-22T19:58:57.534-07:002012-09-22T19:58:57.534-07:00makes so much sense. i felt like i had to cut ties...makes so much sense. i felt like i had to cut ties with several people that i just didn't feel were there for me. and like you, i didn't mind having casual conversations with them because they had be there for me. i just hate that it has to be this way at all.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post-11366219711221453602012-09-22T18:34:39.461-07:002012-09-22T18:34:39.461-07:00This sounds so logically. I have become pretty go...This sounds so logically. I have become pretty good about ignoring people. The biggest problem is my mother and my mother in law who want to control how happy we should be and how we should move on. They dont want to be in the dark place or see their babies suffer (US) but its their own control, thank you Abby everything your counselor says makes sense to me. Kiranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post-29724110539342795892012-09-22T16:38:58.968-07:002012-09-22T16:38:58.968-07:00I think she gives some excellent advice: stick wi...I think she gives some excellent advice: stick with those who can listen and show compassion, at any time you need it. If some are unable, it's not necessarily because they don't care- they are just not able. Such a short period of time has passed relative to such a life-changing (and life-long) loss, I for one cannot see how one could judge where you "should" be in your journey. Maxie's prescence will always be with you, let him and Mo help to guide you along your way. Thinking of you all, as always.Britt M.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-823549861851853736.post-43879748776012681112012-09-22T14:07:14.411-07:002012-09-22T14:07:14.411-07:00Yeah, I mostly agree. My Dad does this - tries to...Yeah, I mostly agree. My Dad does this - tries to reason me out of my grief. The thing is - once he climbed out of the mire, he thought he'd done it by reason himself, and that he could pull me out too. He freely admits he doesn't want to stay in that dark place with me.... the thing is, he was Catherine's Granddad - he lived thousands of miles from her.. he obiosuly isn't going to be effected by her death as much as me... I agree with your counsellor - these arguments are a waste of emotional energy xxSusannoreply@blogger.com