Maxie's Sixth Birthday

The night before you were born, daddy and I took a class at the Pump Station in Santa Monica.  I was eight months pregnant. That night, I got up to use the restroom at around midnight and my water broke. That was the beginning of our journey with you Max.

You were beyond special. I couldn't believe you were mine. You were so little, so vulnerable, so sweet. I spent hours walking around the neighborhood with you while I was on maternity leave. When I went back to work, the only way I could get through my days was by counting down the hours until I could go pick you up.

I'd never loved anyone or anything as completely as you before. My emotions were in free fall - and everything revolved around you. Every picture I took, every feeling I felt, every plan I made. You were my everything.

And then you were gone. In an instant.

Just gone.

The shock of your death, just as I was in the middle of celebrating and planning our new wonderful life together, will never leave me. In the beginning, I thought maybe someday the horror of losing you would subside, but it hasn't. How could it have happened? It still makes no sense.  None.

Today you would be six. We'd be running around town picking up last minute stuff for your party this weekend. If I'm honest, I resent that we won't be running around town picking up stuff for your birthday.  I am beyond angry that you were cheated life at such a young age. I hate that your daddy and I were cheated out of spending our lives with you.  I am still so angry.

You would be perfect at six.  I know this because you were perfect.  Everything about you: your scent, your eyes, your soulfulness, your sweet demeanor. You were everything to me and in many ways, you still are. There is no me without you - even still.

I would still never trade my nine and a half months with you for a lifetime with any other kid on earth. I feel so lucky that you were mine - even if this loss has caused me a lifetime of pain.

We'll be celebrating you tomorrow.  I hope that somewhere you are waiting for me and that you know how much I still adore you. Happy Birthday to my baby boy.  I love you to the moon and beyond.


"You and I will be together until the universe dissolves" - Rumi