Baby girl

My mom and I have been pretending to be on a "fun" road trip all week. The truth is that we've been in hell. We came to Georgia to adopt a baby. Ted and I have been working towards adoption for about a year now. We were so excited when we got the call that a couple in Georgia were placing a baby for adoption that was due in less than two weeks. In fact, we were over the moon! We pulled out all of the baby stuff - the co-sleeper, the swing, the newborn clothes. We didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl - and we didn't care. We wanted this baby so bad!

My mom and I flew to Atlanta the day before the scheduled C section. I brought a bassinet and a car seat/stroller and a suitcase full of gear and clothes. We spent hours with the birthmother and her family before her surgery. Something never felt quite right but I kept getting reassurance that they wanted to do what was best for the baby. 

After the baby girl was born, we ran into the hallway and took her photos. She was beautiful! We loved her immediately. We ran to the nursery and took more photos and sent them of to Teddy and everyone else.  Something still didn't feel quite right. The nurses kept asking the birthmother about her adoption plans and she wouldn't answer.

For days, we'd hear from the birthmothers family that nothing had changed - the adoption was still on. The hospital offered to let us stay on the post partum floor with the baby, but I was too scared to get attached. 

Finally on Saturday, the birthmother left the hospital without her baby girl and we moved in. I tried to keep a distance - but she was so sweet. She needed love. She'd been ignored by everyone but nurses for days. Birthmother promised to sign papers for the adoption with a social worker on Sunday morning, so I let myself love her. I cuddled her throughout the night and fed her and diapered her. I imagined bringing her home and sending out an email announcing her birth. 

On Sunday morning, the birthmother told the social worker she wasn't in the mood to see anyone. I began to panic again. I gave the baby back to the nursery and tried to detach. But her little face was already imprinted on my heart. It was too late. We slept there again with baby girl last night and I really gave her my heart. 

In Georgia, a birthmother has 30 days after signing papers to change her mind unless she waives her right to those thirty days. I heard this morning that she wouldn't sign that form. I really panicked this time. I couldn't do this for another thirty days. The social worker assured me that she didn't think they'd change their mind. They didn't want this baby - something everyone told us all along. But, not signing that form was a sign to me. This adoption wasn't going to happen. 

15 minutes later, the social worker called from the hospital parking lot to tell me that the birthmother had changed her mind. That call was followed by one from my lawyer, who told me to come on home.

So, here we are - my mom and I - on a Southwest flight back to California. No baby. Heartbroken. Unclear where I've gone wrong. Not sure how much more I can really take in this life. I can't stop thinking about that baby girl and all we wanted to give her. We loved her already. We love her right now. It's NOTHING compared to losing Max - but it sure does hurt.