Baby girl

Monday, May 5, 2014

My mom and I have been pretending to be on a "fun" road trip all week. The truth is that we've been in hell. We came to Georgia to adopt a baby. Ted and I have been working towards adoption for about a year now. We were so excited when we got the call that a couple in Georgia were placing a baby for adoption that was due in less than two weeks. In fact, we were over the moon! We pulled out all of the baby stuff - the co-sleeper, the swing, the newborn clothes. We didn't know if it would be a boy or a girl - and we didn't care. We wanted this baby so bad!

My mom and I flew to Atlanta the day before the scheduled C section. I brought a bassinet and a car seat/stroller and a suitcase full of gear and clothes. We spent hours with the birthmother and her family before her surgery. Something never felt quite right but I kept getting reassurance that they wanted to do what was best for the baby. 

After the baby girl was born, we ran into the hallway and took her photos. She was beautiful! We loved her immediately. We ran to the nursery and took more photos and sent them of to Teddy and everyone else.  Something still didn't feel quite right. The nurses kept asking the birthmother about her adoption plans and she wouldn't answer.

For days, we'd hear from the birthmothers family that nothing had changed - the adoption was still on. The hospital offered to let us stay on the post partum floor with the baby, but I was too scared to get attached. 

Finally on Saturday, the birthmother left the hospital without her baby girl and we moved in. I tried to keep a distance - but she was so sweet. She needed love. She'd been ignored by everyone but nurses for days. Birthmother promised to sign papers for the adoption with a social worker on Sunday morning, so I let myself love her. I cuddled her throughout the night and fed her and diapered her. I imagined bringing her home and sending out an email announcing her birth. 

On Sunday morning, the birthmother told the social worker she wasn't in the mood to see anyone. I began to panic again. I gave the baby back to the nursery and tried to detach. But her little face was already imprinted on my heart. It was too late. We slept there again with baby girl last night and I really gave her my heart. 

In Georgia, a birthmother has 30 days after signing papers to change her mind unless she waives her right to those thirty days. I heard this morning that she wouldn't sign that form. I really panicked this time. I couldn't do this for another thirty days. The social worker assured me that she didn't think they'd change their mind. They didn't want this baby - something everyone told us all along. But, not signing that form was a sign to me. This adoption wasn't going to happen. 

15 minutes later, the social worker called from the hospital parking lot to tell me that the birthmother had changed her mind. That call was followed by one from my lawyer, who told me to come on home.

So, here we are - my mom and I - on a Southwest flight back to California. No baby. Heartbroken. Unclear where I've gone wrong. Not sure how much more I can really take in this life. I can't stop thinking about that baby girl and all we wanted to give her. We loved her already. We love her right now. It's NOTHING compared to losing Max - but it sure does hurt.



29 comments:

Fiona said...

Oh Abby.
I'm in tears reading this. I have nothing to say that can help and I'm heartbroken for you.
If I could, I would hug you.
I'm so, so sorry.x

Susan said...

oh fuck xx

I'm so sorry - huge hug Abby.

Zoie said...

Oh Abby, I am so sorry. You have so much love in you to want to give that baby everything. I am so so sorry.

TamaraL said...

I am so sorry. And not knowing what else to say, just know that a stranger who reads your blog is thinking of you...

Heather said...

Oh Abby. I am crying for you. I just cannot imagine. You don't deserve this heartbreak. It's so unfair. I want magic words to make this better, but I don't know what to say other than you're in my heart. God, so unfair. xoxo

Chantel said...

Abby, I am so horrified for you. We had two failed adoptions and it was devastating. So much so that after the last one my husband was done. He just couldn't go through it again. I am so, so sorry.

robyn said...

nothing i can say can take away your pain, but know that i love you so much and my heart breaks knowing how sad you are. i wish i could burden some of this pain for you... i am sorry for you and your family and i am sorry for her because she doesn't sound like she is in a good place. i am thinking of you all.

Egreeno said...

The levels of unfairness are just sickening! I'm heart sick for you Abby and for baby girl. You already have more than anyone I know to mourn and now this cruel chapter. I love you so much and I'm so so sorry this has turned out this way!

Tara Prince said...

Life should not be allowed to be so cruel to those who have already been given more heartache than most people will ever know. I am so sorry.

Samantha said...

Abby, I am so sorry! You are a beautiful and generous spirit, and this baby girl was lucky to have had your love. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Taryn said...

My heart is aching just reading this. That sweet baby deserves a beautiful life, and you were there ready to offer her the world and then some. I am heartbroken for her and for you. What a tragedy! The whole thing is SO unfair and unjust! I am so sorry!!!

Em said...

What a horrible terrible garbage roller coaster. I am so so sorry Abby.

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry for you, but even more sorry that beautiful girl would not be so lucky as to have you for a mommy.

Alex said...

I am so sorry. What a heart wrenching experience. I wish there was something I could say that would bring a small measure of comfort.

Anonymous said...

abby first off you did not give my daughter thousand of dollars you may have giving her a few hundreds of dollars for legal living expense and also I am so surprise that you would tell all this lies and talk about my family like you have I cant believe that you used my heart and my feelings manipulate this sitation because I really wanted you to have this baby but after reading this blog I know what kind of a woman you are and I think god that my daughter was sinstive and smart enough to see what you really was from the began she never liked or trusted you from the fist day you got to Georgia I thank god and am so happy that she chose to keep her baby and we will and we can take good care of this baby because after you left today and before I saw this blog I had talked to my daughter about going through with the adoption and she had reconsidered the whole adoption and had decided to call the attorney tomorrow and you and ted have the baby but after seeing the lies you told in this blog will never agree or permit or allow her to let you have this baby you had no ones permission to post a photo of my granddaughter while still in the hospital on the internet and im going to an attorney in the morning against you and the hospital for allowing you to do this and abby if you ever get a chance to adopt a baby again please remember lies will not help you

Abby Leviss said...

I didn't tell even one lie. I'm so sorry this all happened. I really thought the match was meant to be. My heart is broken. I think this was the plan all along.

Anonymous said...

Abby, my thoughts and prayers are with you. It is abundantly clear that you are a class act with an ocean of love to give.

Anonymous said...

And I'm sorry but anonymous how DARE you attempt to twist the knife further by implying that the adoption would have gone through if not for this post. I'll pray that you find compassion in your heart someday.

Carly Vazana said...

Anonymous, you are a cruel and heartless person. Abby and her family are the kindess, most considerate and loving people and this little girl would have been so lucky to be a part of their family. When you attack someone for telling lies by using lies, like implying the baby would have been theirs if not for this post, you just prove how awful of a person you ae.

Carina said...

Oh Abby xxx I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through. I am so sorry.

Hannah P (UK) said...

I'm so sorry, Abby. I can't imagine the pain you and Ted (and your Mum) must be in.

I am affected by adoption myself and know well the darkness that a failed adoption can cast.

As for anonymous - please, leave Abby alone. She has done nothing wrong except fall in love with a baby girl. She is, no doubt, worried about this little girl.

Abby, so sad you have had your heart broken yet again.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God!!! I know you are heartbroken, and I am for you too, but I think you are well rid of these people. It wouldn't have been the end, and there would have been more heartache. They were making it way too hard to happen. When you least expect it, something wonderful will happen. In the meantime, get back to being with your beautiful big boy, Mo, and wonderful husband.

Anonymous said...

Am so sorry. That sounds like the worst. But I will be hoping for a successful adoption in your future. Much much love....

The Blitz said...

Nothing to say to make it better. just sending you virtual love and support. xo.

Mimi said...

I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks. I am so, so, so very sorry. It's truly heartbreaking. Big hug.

Jayden's Mommy said...

After the storm there is a rainbow. Sometimes I feel like this doesn't happen. But I do strongly pray and wish for something wonderful to happen. Much love.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Much love. I'm so sorry. Praying for something good to happen soon.

Jordana said...

Oh Abby! I am so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I could feel the love you had for this sweet baby. You beam with love and light and deserve everything wonderful in this world. This is completely horribly heart breaking:(

Tiffany said...

oh my goodness! i have missed so much.

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