I am working so hard to act normal. To get together with friends and family, to laugh at people's jokes and make them myself, to enjoy this life as much as possible...because I have to be here. At the same time, when I act normal, people treat me like nothing has happened and that makes me sad. Not for me, but for Maxie. I am afraid that people will forget him. He was only here for nine and half months. My biggest fear is that he won't be remembered. I have to remind myself that Ted and I will never ever forget him even for one minute. It is up to us to keep his memory alive. Maybe eventually, we just do that with each other because sooner or later, people will stop caring.
A friend came to visit us last weekend and as he left, he said that he was impressed with how we are dealing with our grief. That is what impressed him - because we shared stories, and laughed and joked, and drank beers and watched a movie together. We probably seem like we are moving right along. It's true that we are doing our best. It isn't true that we are moving right along. And, I really don't ever want to because I am afraid that I will leave Maxie behind. Not in my heart (NEVER in my heart) but in my effort to keep his spirit alive. People will eventually (are already....were already at five weeks after his death) get sick of hearing me talking about him. People will eventually get sick of smiling politely at me while I talk about my dead son. Ugh. I hate this!!!!
Maxie's birthday this year was very hard. We know it will be hard every year. We have decided that we want to celebrate his birthday with our annual benefit. The 2012 Benefit for Maxie's Forest was such a terrific success. We hope that the 2013 Benefit will be just as successful, even though it will be in October and will likely benefit Maxie's First Candle Fund. We have a whole year to plan but I'd like to put it out there now. If you have any great ideas for a fundraiser, have any great items for a silent auction (hotel stays, vacation homes, restaurants, jewelry, gifts.....), know of any terrific venues that would be willing to lend us space... we would be so appreciative.
I am trying to find my new normal but it has to include Max. This will be one of the few times per year that I will get to feel comfortable just being out there celebrating my baby and the HUGE impact he has had on my life.
I miss him every minute of every day. He is more special to me than he was yesterday and more yesterday than the day before. His heart is my heart. I am missing my Maxie....like crazy.
Thank you SO much to everyone who contributed to Maxie's Fund for his second birthday. We received notice of all of your donations from First Candle. They meant so much to us!