Macie Eight Months

Our Macie turned eight months old on Friday, but I was out of town and Ted had his hands pretty full. For those two reasons, photos didn't happen until today. 

Mace is a really chill little guy. He doesn't cry much, he's usually happy and smiling, and when he looks at you, it's intense. Even the teachers at his school have remarked on how deeply he stares into their eyes.

He just started sleeping through the night last week. It took two nights to sleep train him. It's been pretty remarkable - especially considering that two weeks ago, he was waking up just about every hour. 

He has really special and unique friendships with both Mo and Myla and I can't wait to watch those grow. The next couple of months make me really nervous. Please send us some prayers or positive vibes.  This boy is really awesome!

The other side

As a follow up to yesterday's post, I should mention that there have been several lovely people who have told me that they know - they read it, or googled me, or someone told them - and they've either emailed or approached me to say that they know. And that they are sorry. 

That's been nice to hear.

I know that you know

I know that you know that my son died. I'm not sure if someone told you, or you googled me or you read it someplace. But, I know that you know. 

I know because I've seen it before. I know how people act when they know: We met, you were super friendly, I was too. We laughed, compared superficial stories ("I have three kids at home, you have two, our family just moved, blah, blah, blah..."). We talked about a future play date or coffee.... And then suddenly - you stopped staying hello, stopped smiling at me, avoided me whenever possible. 

 A part of me wonders if I said something awkward but the more honest part of me knows - - - knows that you know.  Knows that you know my son died and that now you can't be nice anymore because I'm scary. 

The truth is - it's ok. It is an easy way for me to know whether I really want to get to know you too. But, I guess I still just wanted to let you know that I know you know. And - that I'm not ashamed...because I loved him, and I still love him, completely. And that's more important to me than you are or ever will be or could be to me.

On Maxie's Fifth Birthday

Always in my head
India Arie

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river running through the desert plain
You are my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

I can hear the sound of five drummers in the wind
The leaves blowing in the breeze, ring out like guitars
A tin can rolls across the gravel like a tambourine
I am but a vessel, so I sing, because you are.... 

In my head, you're always in my head
In my dreams, you're always in my head
In my pain, you're always in my head
In my peace, you're always in my head

A rainbow of rhythm stretches across the sky
An airplane in the distance, plays a beautiful cello line
It's no coincidence, it's in tune with the music in my head
If you were a shoulder you're where I would rest, but I am your vessel so I hear, you....

In my head,you're always in my head
In my fears,you're always in my head
In my joy,you're always in my head
In my tears, you're always in my head

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day 
You are a river, running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain:'cause I hear you

I am heartsick today, on your fifth birthday. I can't stop the tears that keep falling out of my eyes. None of it seems real. And yet, you were real.  You were mine.  And you had all of the potential in the world.  What I wouldn't give to see you grow up.  You are the deepest part of my soul.  You mean everything to me.  I can barely breathe some days without you.  I am so sorry you are gone.  I am so sorry.  I never stop being so sorry. 

Wherever you are Max, my love will find you.

One of the really good ones

Last night Ted gave Mo a bath, watched some dinosaur videos with him on Youtube, read a couple of books, and then tucked him in with a kiss and said "goodnight".

10 minutes later, we heard little footsteps running above our heads and then a little voice coming from the living room, "Mommy, I'm firsty"

I walked him back upstairs, gave him a few sips of water from the sippy cup next to his bed, kissed him goodnight and left his room.

5 minutes later, another little voice, "Hey guys, I bumped my head".

Another walk up the stairs, another kiss, a little head scratch and a song.

"Daddy, my froat hewts" [That's "My throat hurts" in a toddler accent].

This went on for a while.  Ted asked Mo what was going on.  Wasn't he tired?  Why was he having trouble sleeping?

Mo thought for a minute and then answered, "my brain is running".

I can relate.  My brain is running too.  Well put little man. My brain has been running and running and running since July 19th, 2011.  It won't stop running - and it's been on overdrive this past month or so. A sense of doom is lingering over me that I can't put my finger on but I know it is Maxie's birthday that's hung me out to dry. I can't stop thinking about him.  I can't stop worrying about Mace approaching 9 months. I am angry and sad and heartbroken and the worst part about this nightmare is that it remains a nightmare.

And then yesterday, I am scrolling through my Facebook feed and I can see that people keep tagging my friend Kate in a post.  When I click on the post, my stomach sinks and I feel sick.  I can't believe what I am reading.

I met my friend Kate only two years ago.  She responded to me when I posted on my blog about being in a carseat bind for a trip to Costa Rica.  We'd never met.  We have no friends in common.  She found me when she googled her OB and found a post that I'd written mentioning him..  I am not sure why she kept reading but probably because she is all heart. I ended up borrowing her Sit n'Stroll carseat/stroller for our trip.

When we finally met, it was love at first sight.  If you know me, you know that I value funny above all else....and this girl is the funniest.  She is the kind of funny that makes you cry from laughing so hard, not only when she is telling you the joke, but then again when you think about it days later. She is generous and kind and a wonderful mother and wife.  It was destined that we would be new best friends - and when I left California, I thought about how sad I was that our friendship wouldn't have the chance to grow into what it was surely meant to be.

And now I find out that Kate has Stage 4 lung cancer. And she is younger than I am.  And a mom to two little girls. And the universe is cruel and uncaring - but Kate isn't!  There was no reason on this earth for her to befriend me - only she did - and it was just because of her kind and loving heart.

Tomorrow Max would be 5. And I want to climb to the top of the highest building in town and SCREAM it!!!!! "MY SON SHOULD BE TURNING 5!!!!!" - and I would also like to add the word "FUCKERS!" to the end of that sentence because I am beyond ANGRY. And his birthday makes me feel so helpless and empty and the thought of Kate and her family is more than anyone who loves her can bear.

Kate's family has set up a website where you can donate to help with medical expenses, child care, etc. Please consider making a donation.  You don't have to help Kate and her family.  You don't even know her.  And she didn't have to reach out to me either - but she did.  That is what separates the ones like Kate from the rest of us schmucks.  She is one of the really, really good ones.

Love you Kate!