One of the really good ones

Last night Ted gave Mo a bath, watched some dinosaur videos with him on Youtube, read a couple of books, and then tucked him in with a kiss and said "goodnight".

10 minutes later, we heard little footsteps running above our heads and then a little voice coming from the living room, "Mommy, I'm firsty"

I walked him back upstairs, gave him a few sips of water from the sippy cup next to his bed, kissed him goodnight and left his room.

5 minutes later, another little voice, "Hey guys, I bumped my head".

Another walk up the stairs, another kiss, a little head scratch and a song.

"Daddy, my froat hewts" [That's "My throat hurts" in a toddler accent].

This went on for a while.  Ted asked Mo what was going on.  Wasn't he tired?  Why was he having trouble sleeping?

Mo thought for a minute and then answered, "my brain is running".

I can relate.  My brain is running too.  Well put little man. My brain has been running and running and running since July 19th, 2011.  It won't stop running - and it's been on overdrive this past month or so. A sense of doom is lingering over me that I can't put my finger on but I know it is Maxie's birthday that's hung me out to dry. I can't stop thinking about him.  I can't stop worrying about Mace approaching 9 months. I am angry and sad and heartbroken and the worst part about this nightmare is that it remains a nightmare.

And then yesterday, I am scrolling through my Facebook feed and I can see that people keep tagging my friend Kate in a post.  When I click on the post, my stomach sinks and I feel sick.  I can't believe what I am reading.

I met my friend Kate only two years ago.  She responded to me when I posted on my blog about being in a carseat bind for a trip to Costa Rica.  We'd never met.  We have no friends in common.  She found me when she googled her OB and found a post that I'd written mentioning him..  I am not sure why she kept reading but probably because she is all heart. I ended up borrowing her Sit n'Stroll carseat/stroller for our trip.

When we finally met, it was love at first sight.  If you know me, you know that I value funny above all else....and this girl is the funniest.  She is the kind of funny that makes you cry from laughing so hard, not only when she is telling you the joke, but then again when you think about it days later. She is generous and kind and a wonderful mother and wife.  It was destined that we would be new best friends - and when I left California, I thought about how sad I was that our friendship wouldn't have the chance to grow into what it was surely meant to be.

And now I find out that Kate has Stage 4 lung cancer. And she is younger than I am.  And a mom to two little girls. And the universe is cruel and uncaring - but Kate isn't!  There was no reason on this earth for her to befriend me - only she did - and it was just because of her kind and loving heart.

Tomorrow Max would be 5. And I want to climb to the top of the highest building in town and SCREAM it!!!!! "MY SON SHOULD BE TURNING 5!!!!!" - and I would also like to add the word "FUCKERS!" to the end of that sentence because I am beyond ANGRY. And his birthday makes me feel so helpless and empty and the thought of Kate and her family is more than anyone who loves her can bear.

Kate's family has set up a website where you can donate to help with medical expenses, child care, etc. Please consider making a donation.  You don't have to help Kate and her family.  You don't even know her.  And she didn't have to reach out to me either - but she did.  That is what separates the ones like Kate from the rest of us schmucks.  She is one of the really, really good ones.

Love you Kate!


jessica said...

Fuckers. All around. It's the perfect punctuation for this moment. Maxie should be turning 5. You shouldn't be living this nightmare. I am sorry he is not hear with you guys. I am sorry that you have to worry about Macie and getting him past 9 months. It sucks. FUCKERS. I am sorry to read about Kate. I haven't met her but we have several friends in common and it's awful. Heartbreaking and awful. You, my friend, are a really good one too. It sucks that you are fighting to survive the loss of Maxie and poor Kate is fighting to survive. I will be remembering your beautiful boy and loving him and his family tomorrow. I'll also be giving what I can to Kate's fund and hopefully sending along a meal for her family. I wish I could make everything better for you both. Sending you, Teddy, Maxie, Mo, Myla and Mace so much love. xo

ellen said...

I love this post. Kate is gold. I met her when she was a teenager and she lived in Boston for a summer with her sister Kristiina. I was the youth group leader and She was 15. I loved her from the minute I met her. She might be my funniest friend. My brother died of brain cancer at 37 leaving a wife and 3 young kids so I know what this feels like for her family. I'm adding your blog to my reader. :)