Maxie's Sixth Birthday

The night before you were born, daddy and I took a class at the Pump Station in Santa Monica.  I was eight months pregnant. That night, I got up to use the restroom at around midnight and my water broke. That was the beginning of our journey with you Max.

You were beyond special. I couldn't believe you were mine. You were so little, so vulnerable, so sweet. I spent hours walking around the neighborhood with you while I was on maternity leave. When I went back to work, the only way I could get through my days was by counting down the hours until I could go pick you up.

I'd never loved anyone or anything as completely as you before. My emotions were in free fall - and everything revolved around you. Every picture I took, every feeling I felt, every plan I made. You were my everything.

And then you were gone. In an instant.

Just gone.

The shock of your death, just as I was in the middle of celebrating and planning our new wonderful life together, will never leave me. In the beginning, I thought maybe someday the horror of losing you would subside, but it hasn't. How could it have happened? It still makes no sense.  None.

Today you would be six. We'd be running around town picking up last minute stuff for your party this weekend. If I'm honest, I resent that we won't be running around town picking up stuff for your birthday.  I am beyond angry that you were cheated life at such a young age. I hate that your daddy and I were cheated out of spending our lives with you.  I am still so angry.

You would be perfect at six.  I know this because you were perfect.  Everything about you: your scent, your eyes, your soulfulness, your sweet demeanor. You were everything to me and in many ways, you still are. There is no me without you - even still.

I would still never trade my nine and a half months with you for a lifetime with any other kid on earth. I feel so lucky that you were mine - even if this loss has caused me a lifetime of pain.

We'll be celebrating you tomorrow.  I hope that somewhere you are waiting for me and that you know how much I still adore you. Happy Birthday to my baby boy.  I love you to the moon and beyond.


"You and I will be together until the universe dissolves" - Rumi


Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday sweet Maxie.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Maxie.
Love to you and your beautiful family.,

Unknown said...

Happy birthday sweet Maxie... My god bless your soul.. you would be such a good big brother to Myla I know u would.. love to you all

Abby Leviss said...

Thank you for this lovely message. And, I agree, they would have loved each other.

Anonymous said...

Dear Maxie,
Happy 6th Birthday! I hope you had a wonderful party up in Heaven.

Dear Abby,
My husband and I started reading your blogs after our 10 month old son passed away two months ago. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It resonates so well with what we're going through as grieving parents.

Our son's 1st Birthday is next Monday, October 24th. I'd like to think that our boys are playing and celebrating together in Heaven. Many Hugs.

Abby Leviss said...

I am so glad you found me, but so so sad to know the reason why. You are in the hardest part and I know that it gets harder before it gets "easier" at all. Losing the most special person ounce probably ever known is complete devastation and nobody, not even family, can really ever get it. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm beyond sorry for your loss. Nobody should ever have to go through this.

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of my sweet Sophie girl all day today and cried hard when I happened to see her last photo taken at her daycare almost 4 years ago. I am forever changed.
Happy belated birthday to Maxie.

Unknown said...

Maxie will always be the eldest child in your family.

Most folk can't cope with the ghastly reality that some children die for no obvious reason.

Anyone who has experienced the death of their child knows that there is no closure, no acceptance, no "moving on".

You could have many more children, but the dreadful death of Maxie will never stop being painful.