I've been working really hard to get everything organized for Maxie's Birthday Benefit - on October 12th. I find that the event brings up so much sadness for me, in so many different ways. I just don't know if it is something I should do again after this year.

A couple of days ago, I posted to an online mommy group to see if I could find any potential sponsors or silent auction donors. I am having such a hard time getting donations this year - I am hoping it will pick up. Anyway, last year I posted to the same mommy group and I got a donation for a pass to the Magic Castle, so I figured I'd try again. This year, so far, I've gotten 3 emails telling me how sad my post made them - which was nice. I also got an email that I can't shake.  A woman wrote to say that her son was a year younger than Max would be.  When he was only 5 months old, he went into cardiac arrest and stopped breathing.  She immediately gave him CPR and then he was rushed to the hospital where he was put on life support. They spent two days in the hospital, and the boy was given a 15% chance of survival.  Somehow he pulled through and is alive today. She still suffers from PTSD (I'm not surprised) and is afraid every day that it will happen again (of course she is).

I know I should only feel happiness for this family and this little boy at hearing this story. I do feel those things. For sure I do. But I also feel jealousy and guilt and anger. If we had kept Max on life support for a few days more, would he have lived? Why did her boy live and mine died? What more could I have done? Why didn't I keep him home that day (or every day)? If he had been with me, would he still be alive?

I've been missing my baby like crazy these days. After Ted left for work this morning, I had a dream - that it was all a nightmare. Maxie was alive. I was watching him, awake in his crib, on the monitor. It was his face, his big blue eyes, his little tummy and pale skin. This whole thing was over - as if it had never happened. Understand that I pray for dreams like this every single day, but having one really throws me. Why isn't he here? Why did his story not turn out like hers? I can't tell you how much I wish it were me, reading her post, emailing her my story of my living child, and then telling her that I hug my child a little tighter.  I'm having a really rough time - Still.

It's so unfair.  It's so unfair.  It's so unfair.  It's so unfair.  It's so unfair.  


jessica said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. It IS so unfair. So wrong and unfair. I am sorry that your beautiful boy is not here and that you have to wonder or question your actions. The whole thing is just unfair and heartbreaking. I am sorry that this is your reality. I am sorry that I can do nothing to help or make it any easier. I can, however, offer you my love and support and tell you that your Maxie is loved and remembered every day. I just wish that he was here with you. I love you all very, very much. xo

Seeing Each Day said...

Yes, it is so unfair. No more words needed. Renee

robyn said...

i am so sorry abby. i am sorry for you that you do not get to be with your special boy and i am sorry for maxie that he does not get to be here with his family that loves him so much. i hate that you battle these is so hard and unfair. maxie is and will always be in our thoughts and hearts. i love you.

Kate said...

It is so so unfair--and I can only imagine how tough it is to hear stories of another child's survival and all of the conflicted emotions that must go along with that. Maxie was so special. Sending you love. xo