Light

I've been talking and listening to some other bereaved parents about how there are things - normal, everyday, things - that happen with our living children that have taken on more meaning to us as bereaved parents. Things like play dates, music classes, trips to the playground. Things we did or imagined doing with our children that didn't live. When I take my kids to the park or simply play with them, I'm often thinking about how I never got to do these things with Max - and the normal, everyday things feel therefore more special. I appreciate them more. 

Then there are the special things. The things I fantasized about doing with Max: when I was pregnant with him, when he was a baby, after he died. Birthday parties, vacations, trips to Disneyland. They are dripping with intensity and joy for me. They are life affirming - exponentially increasing the gratitude I feel for their lives and my own: feelings that during the especially dark period of my life, when I felt no gratitude for my own life, I really couldn't have imagined ever feeling again. 

Every birthday my living children celebrate feels like a gift. Every special outing like the best day of my life. I look forward to them the way I looked forward to things when I was a kid. And when plans get spoiled, it probably feels much more disappointing to me than it would to a non-bereaved parent.

For a while before we moved here, things felt very heavy for me again. I was having a really hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt thrown back into the darkness for many, many reasons. 

These were the moments that kept me going:   

Mace Three Months

Macie is three months old today and he is basically the most animated and smiley three month old I've ever met. He is always making eye contact and shooting us great big open mouthed grins. He usually wakes up twice a night - at 2 and 4 - to nurse and then he goes right back to bed. He spends a lot of time in his swing but I'm thinking those days are soon coming to a close as he'd much rather have us hold him so he can stare and coo at us. Also he is sleeping less (though still most of the day) and he's a tummy time champion. Macie looks so much like his big brothers! We are obsessed with him!!! 

Fears

When you've lost a child, you look for other people who've lost children to talk to.  This means that finally you are part of a community of people who understand.  With time, you all get to know each other and to actually love each other's children, even though they've passed.  There are children who've lived all over the world, who I've never met, who I love as much in some ways as many of the children I know quite well.  It is comforting to know that there are also people who love Max like this too - even though they never met him.

Along with knowing all of these amazing people - I have learned the many ways a child can die.  I have friends whose children have choked, drowned, fallen out of windows, died of the flu and chicken pox, cancer and malaria.  When you haven't lost a child, you believe wholeheartedly that NONE of these things could EVER happen to your child.  When your child is dead, you know that any one of these is a real possibility.

Without a conscious awareness that I am even doing it, I am always looking for the potential dangers - blind chords and washing machines, prescription drugs and poorly installed car seats, chunks of apple and uncut grapes....I know that all of these things are deadly and I point out the dangers to anyone helping me to care for my children. 

I know that my concerns are often met by eye rolls and that many people find me crazy and morbid - but I don't care. I know something that they don't really know - children die. I wish I didn't know all of the ways a child can die but sadly, many of the children I love most have gone - without my ever having met them. 

These fears are real.

East Coast Living

It's hard to believe that we've moved! We've been here for a week and a half and it still doesn't feel real. A few weeks after Macie was born, Ted flew out here without us and found our house. Before we got here, I'd only seen pictures. Friends couldn't believe that I'd bought a house without ever seeing it, but Ted's passion and career is architecture. I trust his opinion more than my own. He did a wonderful job too. I love our house. It's perfect for us. Our house was built over 200 years ago, it has tons of character and a beautiful big backyard.

Our kids love it too. Last week when the DirectTV guys came to install the cable, Mo kept chasing them around and saying, "Hey guys, look at my backyard!" Myla also loves hanging outside, relaxing in the sun.

Since we've been here, we've spent lots of time with Auntie Beth (or as Mo calls her, "Aun Beffie"), Gigi (Ted's mom), Papa, and cousin Sadie..and also Beth's boyfriend and his two girls. Our kids have been getting a lot of attention and we've been getting so much help. It's been awesome and so much fun.

I am on maternity leave until Monday and Ted doesn't start his job until July 1. He is going to be focused on getting us set up in our new house and helping with the kids. Mo started his new preschool last week and fit right in - no problem. I haven't had the chance to do a ton of exploring yet, but it is so beautiful here. Every tree is a different color, the town is so cute, and everyone is so friendly.

Things are good, if maybe a little surreal. It really feels like this was the right move for our family. We are happy to be here. More to come! 

Myla One Year Old

Today our little girl is one year old! It's hard to believe that she almost wasn't ours. She is the funniest baby! She is spirited and enthusiastic with everything she does. She loves to be the center of attention and often is. She is so cute, it should be illegal. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for her. She is special beyond words and we are grateful for her every day!

Our favorite little girl! Happy Birthday! We adore you!