New Resolution

Don't assume that you and I feel the same way about life: about pregnancy, birth, or death, or the emotions surrounding watching children grow up, We don't necessarily feel the same about what constitutes a tragedy or even what is worth making a big deal, being dramatic or arguing about. Life looks a whole lot different to me today than it did four and a half years ago.

Trust me - Life looks drastically different to me than it does to you.

I don't care about a lot of the stuff that I was once passionate about and I really don't want to argue with you - about politics, about religion, about manners, or grammar or anything really.  I do not care about any of it. Sometimes I tell you what I think you want to hear - just because I am avoiding conflict.  I have no energy for it. It's the same reason that I laugh when I think you are trying to be cute. I nod and smile but I am dying inside. I'm wrecked and still trying to figure out how to maintain the very delicate equilibrium of my newly reconstructed life.

It isn't your fault that my child died - of COURSE it isn't - but it is your fault if you responded to that tragedy in a less than kind way.  No, you "cannot understand" what it is like to lose a child, but you CAN take responsibility for the way you treat other people in the face of their struggle. I have lived through hell. My idiosyncrasies have been informed by my experience and I am terribly sorry if you don't have patience for them - or for my being sensitive (especially on the subject of the child I lost and the intense grief I feel surrounding his absence). I can only imagine what you've been through in this life that has made you want to bully a bereaved parent.

This year I am resolving to work hard on a new resolution, which I hope will become a new habit and way of life for me. The mantra I keep repeating to myself is: "Just because you acted insensitively or said something inappropriate/mean-spirited/ or offensive, doesn't mean that I have to react."  It occurs to me that you are possibly behaving the way you are because I am an easy target and it makes you feel good to make me feel bad. I feel bad enough without your trying to get under my skin.

Sometimes all of the noise is more than I can bear. I won't make time or space for those who don't make time and space for me anymore. All you will get from me is a smile and a nod. I'm not really listening and I don't really care. Find another victim. I am done.

1 comment

Anonymous said...

Good for you Darling!
I am sorry that this is the type Of resolution you have to make for a new fresh year. Life is unfaire!