Celebrating Maxie

I am struggling with something that I can hardly explain.  My heart and my mind are pulling me in two different directions and from what I can tell, it is only going to get worse with time.

I am working so hard to act normal.  To get together with friends and family, to laugh at people's jokes and make them myself, to enjoy this life as much as possible...because I have to be here.  At the same time, when I act normal, people treat me like nothing has happened and that makes me sad.  Not for me, but for Maxie.  I am afraid that people will forget him.  He was only here for nine and half months.  My biggest fear is that he won't be remembered.  I have to remind myself that Ted and I will never ever forget him even for one minute.  It is up to us to keep his memory alive.  Maybe eventually, we just do that with each other because sooner or later, people will stop caring.

A friend came to visit us last weekend and as he left, he said that he was impressed with how we are dealing with our grief.  That is what impressed him - because we shared stories, and laughed and joked, and drank beers and watched a movie together.  We probably seem like we are moving right along.  It's true that we are doing our best.  It isn't true that we are moving right along.  And, I really don't ever want to because I am afraid that I will leave Maxie behind.  Not in my heart (NEVER in my heart) but in my effort to keep his spirit alive.  People will eventually (are already....were already at five weeks after his death) get sick of hearing me talking about him.  People will eventually get sick of smiling politely at me while I talk about my dead son.  Ugh.  I hate this!!!!

Maxie's birthday this year was very hard.  We know it will be hard every year.  We have decided that we want to celebrate his birthday with our annual benefit.  The 2012 Benefit for Maxie's Forest was such a terrific success.  We hope that the 2013 Benefit will be just as successful, even though it will be in October and will likely benefit Maxie's First Candle Fund.  We have a whole year to plan but I'd like to put it out there now.  If you have any great ideas for a fundraiser, have any great items for a silent auction (hotel stays, vacation homes, restaurants, jewelry, gifts.....), know of any terrific venues that would be willing to lend us space... we would be so appreciative.

I am trying to find my new normal but it has to include Max.  This will be one of the few times per year that I will get to feel comfortable just being out there celebrating my baby and the HUGE impact he has had on my life.

I miss him every minute of every day.  He is more special to me than he was yesterday and more yesterday than the day before.  His heart is my heart.  I am missing my Maxie....like crazy.

Thank you SO much to everyone who contributed to Maxie's Fund for his second birthday.  We received notice of all of your donations from First Candle.  They meant so much to us!


jessica said...

Your Maxie will never be forgotten. He is always in my heart. I think about him every single day. And, beyond my thoughts for him, every single time I run, it is because of and for Maxie. We will always think of Maxie and we will always remember him and celebrate him with you. Maxie is and will always be a part of your family and your story. Maxie is your son, your beautiful baby boy, and he will always be with you and with those of us that love you. xo

Anne said...

Maxie will always know that your heart is his home.

Britt M. said...

Maxie will never be forgotten, you have too many friends and family who do care and always will. He is forever a part of your growing family. He will always be missed by me, and I never even had the pleasure of meeting him.

Mimi said...

This is the first time I have written a comment on any blog - ever. I don't even read blogs... except for yours. I have come here every day and have since I first saw Max's photo in the memoriam section of The New York TImes and thought, "This has to be a mistake." I am writing this comment to assure you, that, your sweet, utterly precious baby Max will NEVER, NEVER be forgotten. I was not lucky enough to meet him in his short nine and a half months, though I know if I had - or even if I saw you strolling him down the street - I would not have be able to resist sharing with you how captivating he is. I only know him through your words and the photos of his expressive little face. His brilliance, in every way, was clear, his sense of humor obvious, and I find myself "remembering" all the time. So I am writing you so you will know that those who knew Max, and even some of us who didn't, will never forget him. I wish more than anything that you, your family (Mo is freakin' adorable, by the way!) and Max hadn't suffered this senseless tragedy. I have no words of wisdom, no opinions on how you are dealing with this monumental loss or anything at all profound to say. I can say only this, I remember this sweet boy I never met. Yours sweet boy. I promise, I remember your Maxie.

maxiesmommy said...

I think this is the best comment I have ever received. Thank you Mimi. My worst fear is that Maxie will be forgotten. Thank you for remembering my baby.