Israel calling...

It's my sixth day in Israel! My seventh day away from my kids. I miss them so much. My arms are aching to hold them. I've been trying to distract myself because it's making me really sad.  It's the teeniest, tiniest amount of time away. It really begs the question - how have I lived this long without Max?

Being in Israel is really special for me. I love it here. Say whatever you want about the place - fact is, it's beautiful, it's diverse, it's complex, and it's endlessly interesting.  Nowhere on earth do I feel like I am fully myself in the way that I am here. And there is no cult of personality when it comes to views on politics, religion or anything else. There are Orthodox Jews and Secular Jews and everyone in between. There are Christians, Muslims, Ba'hai, Druze and many more. It is a nation of immigrants- Russians, Ethiopians, Asians, Africans, Europeans, Latinos, North Americans. There are those on the left, those on the right, and those in the center - and the closer you get to the borders, the more you meet Israelis who really hold on to the hope for future peace. Israel is the only country in the Middle East that has a thriving openly gay community and annual pride events. Women are respected and well educated here.  Honor killings are illegal. I'm not saying there aren't issues - there ARE. I'm saying it's a place where anything is possible. It is a democracy in a place where democracies don't exist. You may not like the government (I certainly don't always like Israel's or my own government), but it is the government that has been elected by it's people. To be a Zionist Jew in the United States often feels like it means to support Israel - right or wrong. To be a Zionist in Israel means to believe in the dream of a Jewish homeland for the Jewish people in our ancestral land. I choose to be an Israeli Zionist - even though I'm only an Israeli in my heart. I can disapprove of whatever I want - but until I move here, my opinions are just opinions.

But what I really want to say is that every time I'm here, I'm moved in a different way. This time I was moved by a plane of over 300 new immigrants, including over 100 singles, who landed at Ben Gurion airport on Tuesday morning. We were there to greet them, along with hundreds of others.  The plane landed and bus loads of Olim (immigrants) pulled up one by one to joyful family members and friends, tearful embraces, whole families of t-shirts exclaiming "Welcome home so and so!", israeli folk music and dancing and flags waiving through the air. Unless you're a Jew or been in Israel yourself, you may not be able to grasp why this invokes so much emotion in me.  I'm tearing up thinking about and it feels so awesome to be crying for something I find incredibly moving instead of crying for something completely devastating.

My cousin Leslie and I at the ceremony for New Olim (immigrants)

I've thought about coming here many many times to live forever throughout my life. I wanted (still want at times) to be able to be a pioneer, like the early community builders. I thought about it a lot most recently after losing Max. To be a parent whose lost their child can feel so isolating. Sadly in Israel, I wouldn't have to look far to find a community of grieving parents.  I've found that for the most part, when I tell my story to Israelis- they don't try to talk me out of it. They don't think that losing my child is something I need to get over. They know exactly what it means to carry around a gigantic burden with you everywhere you go - and to me, that's refreshing. No pretending. No false nonsense. Real life. It barely gets more real than all this.

Off again

Saying goodbye to Mo just now sucked. He's gotten to the age where he knows that if I'm walking out the door with a suitcase, I'm going away for a while. All morning he was clingy - he's always clingy - but this was extreme. I feel clingy too.  His new nanny (more on that later) wanted to sit him down for breakfast and I found myself asking her to please give us more time. Leaving him is painful. And, it brings up so much of my missing Maxie. Living without Mo and Myla for the next ten days will be so hard. Living without Max for the rest of my life isn't even doable. 

And, honestly, I can barely stand listening to parents get all weepy about their kid that is going to camp for a week or away to school. In my estimation - those parents are LUCKY! Their kid will come back or they will go visit - the dramatics are wasted on me. But I can remember being at a wedding away from Maxie for a long weekend, and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I just needed to be back with him. And here I am, sitting in my taxi cab, getting weepy over leaving Mo and Myla for ten days. Sometimes I want to slap myself.

I had such a good time in Israel in February.  The experience actually brought back a huge piece of my old self. I am hoping that this trip will be similar (or totally different but with a similar outcome). I'll miss my family - but they'll most likely be here when I get back. 

Off to the Holy Land! Hoping this cease-fire lasts and that we can just enjoy the week!!!

Not scary in the way you think...

I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned that I am going to Israel this week.  If I haven't - now you know.  I am going for 10 days - for work.  This trip has been in the works for several months.  I've been planning it since before I knew about Myla, and before there was a war (or rather, "active operation") going on in Israel/Gaza.  Yes, I am still going.  No, I don't really have a choice.  And - to answer your question, I have mixed feelings about it....maybe for the first time ever. 

Don't get excited - I am not going to talk about politics.....much.  Suffice it to say that I believe that the Israelis have a right to defend themselves, that Palestinians deserve much better leadership than a terrorist group (Hamas) that doesn't value human life, and that the death toll is staggering and I believe that the death of ANY human being is a tragedy - especially a child.  It is a mess and so tragic and I can't see a way out of it from either side.  Rabbi Sharon Brous wrote an article recently that reflects my feelings pretty accurately.  I don't really want to get into a political argument about it though.  I just know it is on your mind, hearing that I am going to Israel.

I've spent significant time in Israel during some scary times - during both the first and second intifada, in the period when Rabin was killed and the Oslo agreement fell apart, and so many other periods of unrest and attacks.  It felt MUCH MUCH scarier to be living in Israel during times when suicide bombings were happening daily - on buses, in restaurants, on beaches, in pubs - especially considering these were the places I frequented.  In the back of my mind, there was always a nagging feeling that I shouldn't feel as safe as I did.  In 2004, I lost a friend in a suicide attack.  He was killed along with most of his family while sitting in a hummus joint in Haifa - the city I used to live in - where things like that don't generally happen.  If I didn't learn then - I certainly have learned since that you should never just assume that bad things happen to "other" people.  Bad things are random - they can happen to anyone. 

Frankly, I am not that scared about the bad things happening to me while I am away.  Today there are non-stop rocket attacks - but rockets have been falling on Israel's Southern region for years and I have continued to visit.  All of the bus stops are bomb shelters.  There are sirens warning of impending attacks.  There is time to try and get to a safe place.  This somehow feels less scary to me than those random suicide attacks.  I say all of this as a tourist.  I have no idea what living in that situation feels like and I can only imagine that having sirens going off all day long while you frantically gather up your children and bring them into a bomb shelter feels complete unbearable.  My point really is that while I am a little nervous about all of that - it isn't really what's making me feel uneasy about this trip.   Because I AM feeling uneasy.

When I was pregnant with Max, a board member of mine in LA was trying to convince me to staff a trip to Israel soon after his birth.  I actually considered it because I had NO idea how hard it would be to leave my child just to go to work each day.  I am always grateful that I decided not to go on that trip.  It would have been SO hard.  Max was only 3 months or so, I was still breastfeeding (which would have meant pumping on the bus) and I was so attached to him that I think I would have been dysfunctional anyway.  Since his death, I've thought many times about how much I would have regretted going on that trip and missing a week of his life.  And yet, here I am - leaving Myla, a 3 month old, for a whole 10 days.  We've only had her for a month and the bonding is in full swing.  I adore her and we fought SO hard to bring her home.  I just can't believe I am leaving her.  It feels irresponsible and scary.  Yes, she will be in the care of people (nanny and babysitter) that I trust - but so was Max when he died.  I'm not saying that I think she is going to die.  I am just saying - my buttons are being pushed - HARD.  Leaving Mo is hard enough (because it just is - I miss him when he sleeps - I love having him around all of the time), but this is different. 

Am I scared about traveling to Israel?  That is what people keep asking me.  I guess the honest answer is: a little.  But, SO MUCH MORE SCARY to me is letting go and being away from my family.  I can't wait to come home.

Myla - 3 Months Old

Our Myla is three months old today! She eats every two hours except at night (thank goodness), when she generally only wakes up once. She looks like she's put on a lot of weight since she came home.  She loves hanging out in her swing, her rainforest jumper and napping all wrapped up.  She has a very admiring older brother, who gives her lots of hugs and kisses. She's super mellow and cute and we love her a lot.

Action packed

We've had a busy weekend.  Mo and Myla's Gigi, Papa, Auntie Beth and Cousin Sadie came to visit. Mo has been having a blast with his family and everyone has been enjoying Myla.  Ted's family came in for the last three days of activities, which included Mo's second birthday party, Myla's Jewish conversion and a family trip to Disneyland. 

Mo's birthday was awesome.  Since Mo is SO super into animals, we decided to rent a petting zoo.  We couldn't decide if it was a little over the top but figured that we actually have the perfect backyard for farm animals, we might as well make use of it.  When Mo woke up from his nap on Sunday, he had a really awesome surprise - a mini horse, sheep, rabbits, chickens, ducks and a giant tortoise.  Mo LOVED the animals, but I think he loved the animal handler even more.  The first thing he did was walk over to her, grab her hat and stick it on his own head - and then he very seriously pet, chased, and was terrorized by all of critters behind the fence.

I'm pretty sure that the animals were a hit.

All of the kids really enjoyed them.....even if it looked, at times, like they were longing to escape:

On Monday, Myla became a Jew.  She was converted in the Mikveh (ritual bath) at American Jewish University - the only multi-denominational Mikveh on our coast from Mexico to San Francisco.  It was a really special ceremony, with lots of meaning for us.  The woman who ran the Mikveh explained that there were many reasons that people use the mikveh - not only for conversion - but also for new beginnings and to wash away old traumas and to mark special occasions.  We loved the idea of Myla starting a new beginning - not only as a Jew, but as our daughter.  Our families joined us - it was really special.

Yesterday, we took Mo and went with Teddy's extended family (his Aunt Jan, her husband Ian, her two daughters and their husbands and children, along with Auntie Beth, Sadie, Gigi and Papa) to Disneyland - my favorite place on earth.  Yes, even today, as a 40 year old woman - I LOVE Disneyland. I wondered if Mo would "get it" or even have fun.  No need to worry at all! He loved it. He was even a super trooper in the ride lines - which is more than I can say about the adults. This kid took no nap at all and still managed to stay in great spirits for most of the day (with a very small exception on our way out of the park). Seeing him having so much fun was the best fun ever. I can't wait to go back with him!!

OUR MO IS TWO YEARS OLD TODAY!!!!

Mo is two years old today.  I've been waiting for this for a LONG time!  He is the greatest kid I could have ever hoped for.  Currently, he is really into horsies, barn animals (roosters, cows, goats, sheep, pigs), dinosaurs, cars (specifically construction vehicles) and his daddy (who he calls "Neh Neh")!  His favorite song is "Happy", by Pharell - which is totally indicative of his upbeat demeanor.  We listened to it all morning on repeat (which, although a totally played out tune, I was much happier to be listening to all morning than I would have been listening to "Let it go" like my friends who are moms of 2 year old girls!).  He is the most awesome little dude and we are so grateful that he showed up exactly when he did and completely brightened up, and let's face it, saved our lives. 

Happy Birthday MOSIE MO!

And, now for the recap:

That was last year!  And here is today:

Maxie's Candles

I didn't post the request asking friends, family and readers to light candles this year.  I figured that people would probably be burned out with my asking - and since the blog is private now, maybe I just wouldn't get enough to make posting worthwhile anyway.  And then yesterday, they just started coming in - by text, email and even Facebook - and they lit up my night.  Each candle symbolizes to me someone who remembered Maxie in that moment that they lit it - and I just know he feels that love.  I can't tell you how it made me feel.  These photos are all so special and unique - just like all of you.  Thank you.  Thank you for helping me to keep his spirit alive and for not forgetting him.  It means the world to me.