Maxie's Fourth Birthday

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I cannot stop crying.  I literally CANNOT stop crying.  The waves of grief hit me every single day - but today, they are pummeling me, pounding me, breaking me.  "I don't know how I am still doing this", is what I keep thinking, realizing that I have to do this forever.  Life is unfair and it can be terribly hard.  We all lose people we love throughout our time on this planet and its awful and painful and heartbreaking.....but NOBODY should ever have to lose a child.  NOBODY.  There is just nothing that I would have imagined happening in this life of mine that could have come close to this pain.  Nothing.

Today, he would have been 4.  We would have woken him up singing.  We'd be excitedly talking about his upcoming party this weekend. We'd be planning a special day, with all of his most favorite food (which likely wouldn't be greek yogurt and bananas anymore), and so many of his favorite people.  Or, at least, I think that is what we'd be doing.  I'll never ever know....because we never even got to celebrate one birthday with him.

I am angry and so so sad.  And when I read over what I've written it's all just words and there is no way to just SHOW you my heart and how BROKEN it is and how NOTHING fills the void.  He deserved more than this.  We all did.


Tamar said...

I am so sorry, Abby, and my heart breaks for you and Ted and Mo and Myla and truly all of us because the absence of Maxie on earth doesn't make any sense, and never will. I am sending so much love to Max and to you and your family.

Sarah said...

I feel your pain and how broken you are Abby. Your words convey the depth of your sorrow. I know it doesn't change anything, but know that I know. Your boy should be here, that's the only right thing. I am sending so much love to you.

robyn said...

Abby, i am so sorry. i am sorry that maxie isn't here to know the love that his family has for him and i am sorry that you carry so much pain and grief. it is unfair that he is not here with us. i love you.

Jayden's Mommy said...

I'm so sorry for this day that came once again. It's truly infair.

T said...

Oh, look at that angel face! I am so sorry you've had to endure another birthday without Maxie in your arms. He is so beautiful and perfect. It is so tragic that life somehow carries on, when a part of your heart is not with you. So sad for you, Ted, Mo, Myla and especially Max!!!

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