A music class moment

"Are you expecting?", asked the woman sitting next to me in Mo's music class.
"I am", I said, smiling.
"Do you have other children?", she asked - motioning to Mo.
I paused.
"I do.  I have a six month old daughter at home".
At home is what I say to avoid having to get "into it".  I am just not mentioning my other son right now - who isn't "at home".  It doesn't really work, but it's what I do.
"Ooooo, a girl!", she said enthusiastically.  She looked down at her own belly (which wasn't bulging nearly as much as mine is) and said, disappointingly, "We are having another boy."
She is due two weeks after me.  She has 2 boys already - a four year old and a two year old.
"Boys are wonderful!", I said - feeling envious of her three boys.
"I was hoping for a girl", she said, still disappointed.
"Girls are wonderful too", I said.  And they are - I ADORE my baby girl.
The teacher asked us to stand up to sing the next song.  "All of this standing up and sitting down is getting pretty old - dontcha think?", I said, grasping my sides while awkwardly pulling myself up.
She laughed, "Tell me about it."

I really like this mom.  She is always smiling and she has the cutest boys and they are all so loving with each other.  I was excited to learn she was pregnant (she really doesn't look pregnant but anyway.....) and thought that maybe we would chat about our pregnancies in the coming months and be able to commiserate about where we are at.  Still, the conversation made me feel emotional - as so many seemingly benign conversations with other mommies do.  I moved on from it pretty quick though and just put my focus back on Mo and the class. ..................................and then.........................really out of nowhere - I found myself on the outside of a beautiful, chaotic, playtime music scene and my eyes began to fill with tears and it took everything in me to keep the tears in my eyes.  It was everything - sadness that Max wasn't there, shame that I hadn't mentioned him, heartbroken that I don't have what she is disappointed to have, gratitude for being given a second chance at motherhood with Mo and Myla and this new little guy who is coming.  It just felt like TOO much to contain.  I grabbed my phone to record the moment, thinking there was something big here.  But, then I got home and saw that it was just this:

An ordinary day, doing ordinary stuff with my kid.  Wish it wasn't laden with so much more......


Seeing Each Day said...

Unless you're in that moment, the moment of living that pain,day in and day out, then you don't know. And one thinks one can expect people to get it, but they can't, and I look back to how many times I myself unintentionally didn't. it's a simple, painful, horrible, hurtful, isolating, why-the-f-are-you-saying-those-words-that-just -cut-me-to-bone moment. Renee

Abby Leviss said...

Exactly Renee - I just don't even expect people to get it anymore but I didn't tell this mom and I hardly tell people anymore unless it seems like the right moment and that the person might be somewhat empathetic. I told a woman last night who told me that she was a Reiki healer - she didn't skip a beat. I might as well have told her that we are expecting rain this week, instead of telling her that my son had died. Actually, she would have been more shocked by the former than the latter. I don't expect anyone to know how hard it is anymore. They just don't get it.