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Mo's first sleepover

Mo had his first sleepover last night. 

Date: Friday night, August 2, 2013

Location: Grandma's House

Reason: Mommy and Daddy at a raging 40th birthday party

Hours at sleepover: To be determined. He is still there and we are still at home (it's 9:34 am PST)

Conclusions: Awesome! We must do this more often (even though I am MISSING him right NOW!!)

These photos were texted to me by grandma this morning:

Visiting our baby

Friendship

When my ex-fiance and I broke up in 2000, my good friends stuck by my side.  Even though it might have been easier for everyone to cancel their trips and stay at home, almost all of them came with me to Las Vegas for my "bachelorette" party anyway.  Their presence spoke volumes about our friendship.  My friend Joslyn, who wasn't even going to come to the party, changed her plans and came - it seemed even more important to her to stick by my side through my heartbreak than it was to stick by me when everything was good and happy.  I remember sitting at the restaurant dinner table with this wonderful big group of ladies and feeling the power of friendship - because friendship can be powerful.  I felt so lucky to have these people in my life to lean on during what was for me, a very challenging time.  Most of these people are still in my life.  Most of them have been there for me over these past two extremely difficult years as well.  That trip was one of the most memorable experiences of my life.  I will never forget how those ladies came through for me and made me feel so loved and appreciated.

 Dinner in Vegas 2000

Champagne breakfast after a long night of winning at the Craps table

A million dollar donor to the organization I work for has told me the story many times about how years ago, he lost everything, and friends, colleagues and organizations he had given generously to through the years just ditched him.  Those who stuck by his side left an impression.  When he was financially broke, he learned who his friends were.  It's one of the reasons that JNF got a million dollars from him when he rose back to the top again.

I wasn't and am still not always easy to be around.  I am broken and can never be fully repaired.  I am not as fun as I once was and I know that I am scary - what happened to us could happen to anyone and being so close to us is a constant reminder of that.  In the earlier days of my grief, I wouldn't leave my house, I wasn't up for going out - I worried about potentially seeing babies and anyway, the world I once knew was colored black.  Some friends who came to Maxie's funeral and/or shiva checked in once or twice afterwards, never to be heard from again.  Other friends just made me feel bad all of the time, telling me that it was time to get over him, pushing an impossible agenda of recovery way too soon.  There are many I haven't heard from since the loss.  Some of those friends are just starting to emerge, assuming that I am better now and probably easier to be around.  I'd like them to know that I am still broken.  Max is still (and I assume will always) be on my mind constantly.  If you were uncomfortable with me before, you will likely still be.  I am not unforgiving but I'm over the friendship we once had.  You don't need to come back into my life.  I am fine with how things are between us now.  I'm not angry either.  I've just moved on.

You see, to me, friendship is not just about picking a happy person to have good times with - although that is extremely important to me too.  Friendship is about sticking by someone's side even when life is hard - because life will be hard for all of us in varying degrees at some point or another.  Good friends are the family you choose.  They are people that you can lean on and that you expect will lean on you too.  I want the very best for every one of my friends but recognize that they have challenges that they face every day and may not have everything that I want for them or that they want for themselves.  Life can be very disappointing - friendships don't have to be.

I don't really want back the friends I lost when Maxie stopped breathing.  The friendships that endured are stronger than ever and the other ones don't matter anymore.  They are the superficial ones - the people that I will say hello to - that I will "catch up" with - and that I may share a few laughs with - but they aren't the people that I want to move forward with.  They aren't the ones I love and trust.  I wish them well but I know who they are to me now....and that's ok.

Those friends that stuck by me mean more to me today than they ever did.  The ones that kept calling even when I didn't want to talk, that emailed and texted, that dropped off food, that visited with me here at my house when I was up to it, that continue to let me move at my own pace, that recognize I am not the same and don't try and pressure me into being the person I once was, that consistently remind me that they will never forget my sweet Max, that came out of the woodwork after years to tell me that they are so sorry for our loss when others who we saw on a regular basis ran away.  I love them.  SO MUCH.  I LOVE YOU MY DEAR LOVELY FRIENDS.  Thank you.

Sippy

Mo had his one year pediatrician visit yesterday. He measured 31 1/4 inches long and 22 pounds. He is in the 90th percentile for height and the 50th for weight. We've moved him onto milk from formula and it seemed it be a smooth transition....until yesterday, when his doctor suggested we start giving him his milk from a sippy cup. Mo loves drinking water from his sippy cup, so I figured this would be easy. I was wrong. He just spits it out.  This morning, I gave him his milk in a sippy cup and he spit it out. Then I switched it to a bottle and he drank it all up. Same liquid, different cup, different reaction? Makes very little sense...except for when I think about how much more I enjoy my beer in a chilled pint glass than I would having to drink it out of a room temperature ceramic mug.  So, this is my question - is it important that he not drink from a bottle? Is it just because other parents will judge me for having an over one year old who still drinks from a bottle? (I am fairly certain they'd find another reason to judge me even if I nipped this in the bud).  Should I just keep at it? What's the story?

Chocolate

Here is a little peak at Mo's first birthday cake.  It was so completely awesome!  it was everything I hoped that seeing my baby eat cake would be.

Teddy's reunion

We spent the weekend in Connecticut so we could go to Ted's High School Reunion on Friday night, and also visit with Ted's family, and have a birthday party for Mo with our East Coast friends.  We had talked about the possibility of attending the reunion months ago but Ted thought it might be too hard or weird - seeing people that he hasn't seen in so long, having to update them about his life in short form (ie- What are you doing?  Are you married?  Do you guys have any kids?  How many?), then getting into an uncomfortable conversation with apathetic listeners about our Maxie.  He had pretty much decided against going.

Then, he found out that a bunch of his best friends would be there and that the
"official reunion" had been cancelled.  Instead, people would just be meeting at a bar on the water that he liked.  It sounded much less formal and he decided that he wanted to go too. I think that was really brave.  I am not sure if I ever want to go to another one of my high school reunions and there were only 50 something girls in my class.  Ted's class had over 400 people in it. 

I am so glad that we decided to go.  Ted was apparently really well-liked in high school.  Most people recognized Teddy and came over to him to give him big hugs and talk to him.  People kept telling me how much they love him, how friendly he always was in high school and my personal favorite - How he just "wasn't an a**hole".  I kept hearing how "Everyone loves Teddy!".  One woman even told me how HOT she thought Ted was looking!  I loved it.  Ted looked like he was having the time of his life.

And - I think most people knew about our loss.  I am sure not everyone did but there were a lot of people who told us how sorry they were to hear about Max.  One of Ted's friends said he was so sorry to bring it up because he didn't want me to have to think about it.  "I am never not thinking about it". I told him.  I liked that he brought it up.  I met a woman in line for the bathroom who said how much she loves my husband and mother-in-law.  Then she told me how beautiful our boys are and that of course she knew about what had happened to Maxie and how sorry she was.  I even met a few of my blog readers!  It was nice to be able to be ourselves.

These are the only two photos I have from the evening, taken by Ted's classmate, Kirstin:

 Jeff and Teddy

 Kirstin and Abby

My oldest friend, Sigalle, moved to Fairfield, CT from LA last year, and was my date to the reunion.  She is an awesome sport.  We had a really good time.  We were waved to from across the bar and approached by graduates of the class of 93 who weren't sure if they remembered us or not.  We heard lots of people's stories and tried to help the nervous attendees take the edge off.  We spent most of the night laughing.  It was really a lot of fun.

I am not at all surprised about how well liked Teddy is and was.  He is an outstanding human being - warm, caring, friendly, funny and totally not an a**hole!  I love you Teddy!!!!  And I really enjoyed your high school reunion too!

Sporadic

I've been composing a post in my head for some time now. The title of the post would be "sporadic" and in it, I would tell you that I would no longer be posting everyday. I would only be posting sporadically moving forward. 

Last week Ted and I were talking about how soon I would be posting about our visit to the cemetery and I assured him that I wasn't planning on blogging everyday for much longer. I thought he would be happy to hear that. He has always supported my writing about our experience but I figured he was getting sick of my sharing so much. I was surprised when instead, he said, "You can't stop blogging now".  

"Yes I can", I said.

"But you've gone on for so long"

"And now I will stop. I will still blog, just not every day."

"You can't stop now!", he repeated.  "I look forward to reading it every day".

So there you go. For now, I am going to keep posting. 

Cover it up

 


 

Mo's NEW new thing is to cover up his other "new thing". We call it "the vampire" or we simply say, "cover it up". 

Spontaneous

I am not super spontaneous though I was at one time in my life. I am definitely still adventurous. But I am not spur of the moment so much. I research stuff pretty heavily before I jump in. It's connected to my unwillingness to break rules. I am a little "Type A". 

I have been planning a tattoo for a long time. A momma monkey carrying her baby with Maxie's name and an infinity sign. Ive been trying to find the right artist at the right place who could do it at the right time. Have I mentioned that I am also not really a "tattoo girl"? I like them on other people but they've never been for me.

On Sunday as we sat at Maxie's burial spot, I knew it was time. I spontaneously decided we'd just go wherever was close and that what I really wanted was a lot more simple than my original plan. Who needs all of the questions people would ask me anyway? I've been avoiding questions for two years.  But I needed this tattoo, because you can't see how much pain I am in by looking at me. There is no physical manifestation. I haven't lost a limb or any of my motor skills or senses - even if it might feel like I have. This tattoo is a reminder to me and those who love me that Max is always with me, that a part of my heart will be eternally missing, and that I will love him and continue searching for him for all of eternity. 

Ted had seen a tattoo parlor near our house and the three of us drove there after visiting Max on Sunday. Ted said it was the most spontaneous thing he'd ever seen me do. He reminded me that I'd be looking at this for the rest of my life. Since losing Max, there is nothing I cannot carry for the rest of my life. The truth is that it wasn't really all that spontaneous. In fact, it has been a long time coming. Two years - feels like an eternity without him already.