On anger, time and deserving more...

Monday, July 21, 2014

We visited the cemetery yesterday.  As I watched Mo play on the grass, dancing among the gravemarkers, I just felt overwhelming sadness - that this is where we have to come to be close to our beloved boy, that this is a place that my other children will be familiar with, and that there is no escape from this reality.  I don't know why it still feels SO unreal and so impossible....but I haven't seen my baby in three years.  I won't see him ever again in this lifetime.
I've worked really hard to get to where I am today - in a place of mostly gratefulness and happiness.  I PROMISE you that it hasn't come easy - it has been the fight of my life - and I imagine that it will continue to be.  Being happy and grateful is a decision that I have to make every single morning, and often, throughout the day.  The fact is that I still feel cheated, and like Ted was cheated, and Mo and Myla - and most especially Maxie.  Maxie was cheated and that just kills me.

This JUST happened.  Whether you see it that way or not.... for us, it JUST happened.  He was JUST taken from us.  We JUST left the hospital without him.  And we miss him so much.  SO SO SO SO MUCH.   And we will never get over it, or move on, or feel like new children have replaced him.  Every child is unique.  No child replaces another....and frankly, if you don't know that, I am not sure what kind of a parent you could possibly be.

On this third anniversary, I have nothing really profound to say except that he deserved more, but I guess we all already know that. 

1 comment:

T said...

There's not much I can say that won't sound like a bunch of garbage platitudes. This is just too real, too important and too tender, but I do want you to know that I hear you and am brought to tears for your loss. I am so sad you have to walk this life without your baby in your arms, and that Maxie can't live the life you dreamed for him. Love to you all!

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