Four years missing you

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Maxie - I had so many dreams for the two of us, for our little family, for you, my son. Small things we looked forward to - like seeing you crawl, then walk, then run; taking you to the park to play; trips to Disneyland, the pony rides, days at the beach, vacations everywhere.

Though our time with you was not long, every moment is remembered. You were sweet and easy and you stared into our eyes and through to our souls. Your smile was everything. I'd sell my soul to kiss those cheeks, squeeze those thighs, make you laugh just once more.

I've cried SO MANY TEARS. Sometimes I'd like to turn off all of the noise, get into bed and cry and cry until we meet again. The unfairness of it all often makes me want to scream.

What has kept me going are those friends who've cared enough to listen, the happiness we've found with your brothers and sister, your sweet loving daddy, and my faith that you and I will be together again. 

I know we will Max. 

Until then, know how much I love you, how I would never trade our nine and a half months together for a lifetime with any other kid, and how we think and talk about you every day. 

We love you to the moon and beyond. Forever. 


jessica said...

We love and miss you every day Maxie! Sending love to all of you today and always. xo

Cat Haugen said...

Your love for Max, and the pain of the loss is so apparent. It's so moving to me to see how much he still has an impact on you, 4 years later. After other children. I'm currently pregnant, a year and a half after losing my son, and this brings me solace - that I can do it, that I'll never forget him and that he'll forever have a place in my life. Thanks for sharing

Anonymous said...

You write, "stared into our eyes and through to our souls..." and that is exactly what I saw in your lovely boy's face the first time I saw his picture in the NYT and I've missed him every day since, this beautiful little baby that I never met. Yes, I miss your sweet boy whom I've only come to know in photographs and through your words. I was immediately struck by the look in his eyes , a look I've never before or since seen in someone so young, the look that said he was wise well beyond his years, that he knew and understood everything that was going on and quite honestly a look that seemed to express that he had a joke in mind and was just waiting for the words to express it. This boy was was funny, I can just tell. He was brilliant and magical. I got all that from a single photo. I can only image what he was like in person. Yes, I miss this boy I never met, I've shed tears for your loss and his. He will never be forgotten, I promise you that. I am so sorry he's not here for you to give him a big squeeze. What a lovely, lovely boy.

Britt MacKenzie said...

What a sweet, beautiful boy Maxie was. I think of him always. We look forward to seeing you all this weekend.

Bianca said...

I love this photo, didn't you post it right before the world turned upside down forever? Maxie is looking back at you with so much love and happiness. His life was full of joy, I'm so sorry it wasn't the long one he and his family deserved. We miss him and love him and are heartbroken for all that is lost

robyn said...

Maxie, you are loved, you are missed and you are remembered. little monkey hugs to you sweet boy.

Abby Leviss said...

Yes Bianca, this is that photo. I had just posted it when I got the call. I am so sad at times still I can hardly breathe. It's just so awful. Thank you Anonymous for your beautiful words. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me. I bet I'll read them over and over a hundred times or more. And, yes, Cat...I can remember worrying so much when I was pregnant with Mo that I'd someday forget Maxie or love Mo more. What's so weird is how deep my love for Mo is because the other part of me worried that I couldn't love him or anyone else quite as much....and I do. I love all of them so much that it is all consuming. You will love the new baby...but I am SO SO SO sorry that your son won't get to meet him/her. Life is so unfair.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Abby. Maxie will forever be remember. We will see our boys again. Much love to you and your little tribe. Hugs, Kira

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