"Who said it?", you ask. More than I care to remember. A few less than told me, "at least you can have more children", but a few more than those who said "time heals all wounds".
"At least you didn't have time to really know him" is in my mind constantly as I stare at my four and a half month old son. I love him as deeply as his older siblings and I know him just as well.
We spend hours every day just staring at each other and smiling. He gets a thousand kisses a day. I love just nuzzling into his neck and smelling his baby smell. I love giving him baths and cuddling him close when I nurse him. I am head over heels in love....even though he is ONLY four and a half months old.
The truth is that I am scared to death of losing him...and Myla...and Mo. There are certain times and environments where I feel like they are so vulnerable and I am so scared that I really believe that if I am not 100% focused, they may not make it. I am worried all of the time. I never think we are safe now. I never feel out of the woods. I look at this beautiful baby and I can't help but worry that I might only have five months left with him. Sometimes it's more than I can stand.
I love this baby with every ounce of myself - and I KNOW him that much as well. He's only four and a half months and he is already my whole world. I know you know Max was my whole world too (even if you said "at least...")
2 comments
Of course you know him. I'm so sorry Max isn't here to play with his brothers and sister. This picture of Mace is so cute and I think he looks just like you! xo
when my son Alexander died at 21 months old (STUPID cancer) The priest said to us "People are going to say a lot of stupid things" I asked if I could hit them. He said "it is advisable not to"
Thankfully, I haven't heard TOO many stupid things that have made me want to hit people over the last 4 years since he died. The first year after he died, I did a lot of just nodding and smiling. Now I tell them how wrong they are. Like, when they said "Things happen for a reason". I say "No, babies don't get cancer and die for a reason"
I have had two children since Alexander died - I too worry about them all the time!
Nancy
thecookiegal.wordpress.com
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