Knowing him

"At least you didn't have time to really get to know him", is what they said when my nine and a half month old son died. 

"Who said it?", you ask. More than I care to remember. A few less than told me, "at least you can have more children", but a few more than those who said "time heals all wounds". 

"At least you didn't have time to really know him" is in my mind constantly as I stare at my four and a half month old son. I love him as deeply as his older siblings and I know him just as well. 

We spend hours every day just staring at each other and smiling. He gets a thousand kisses a day. I love just nuzzling into his neck and smelling his baby smell. I love giving him baths and cuddling him close when I nurse him. I am head over heels in love....even though he is ONLY four and a half months old.

The truth is that I am scared to death of losing him...and Myla...and Mo. There are certain times and environments where I feel like they are so vulnerable and I am so scared that I really believe that if I am not 100% focused, they may not make it. I am worried all of the time. I never think we are safe now. I never feel out of the woods. I look at this beautiful baby and I can't help but worry that I might only have five months left with him. Sometimes it's more than I can stand. 

I love this baby with every ounce of myself - and I KNOW him that much as well. He's only four and a half months and he is already my whole world. I know you know Max was my whole world too (even if you said "at least...")



Tamar said...

Of course you know him. I'm so sorry Max isn't here to play with his brothers and sister. This picture of Mace is so cute and I think he looks just like you! xo

The Cookiegal said...

when my son Alexander died at 21 months old (STUPID cancer) The priest said to us "People are going to say a lot of stupid things" I asked if I could hit them. He said "it is advisable not to"
Thankfully, I haven't heard TOO many stupid things that have made me want to hit people over the last 4 years since he died. The first year after he died, I did a lot of just nodding and smiling. Now I tell them how wrong they are. Like, when they said "Things happen for a reason". I say "No, babies don't get cancer and die for a reason"
I have had two children since Alexander died - I too worry about them all the time!