Backwards milestones

Tomorrow Macie will be the same age Max was when he took his last breath. Tuesday, he will be older than Max ever was. Today is the anniversary, of sorts, of my last perfect day with Max.

It's hard to compute. To anyone who has never lost a child, I sound morbid. To everyone who has lost a child and then had a subsequent child, you know exactly how this feels. It's totally unreal and unrelenting. It's not an anniversary of anything - in the calendar sense. It's the anniversary of a feeling. The anniversary of blissful happiness and love. The anniversary of a time, of a backwards milestone.

When Max was exactly nine and a half months old, he was close to crawling - exactly where Mace is developmentally today. He was eating mushy foods, burying his face in my neck between smiles and snuggles, and watching me carefully as I crossed the room. Same as Mace.

I hate that after tomorrow, there will never be another baby of mine to remember Max by. They will far outlive him and stop reminding me of him, g-d willing. And all I will be left with is a bunch of photographs and fading memories. It breaks my heart. All of it....mostly the part where he is gone and never got to live his life. I'm just positive it would have been special, just like he was.

Macie today - at 9.5 months


egreeno said...

No words, just crying. It shouldn't be! Sending you love.

Anonymous said...

I know there are no words. I send you love and hugs.

robyn said...

Maxie was special and I am sorry he isn't here to share that fabulousness with us. It is so unfair and I am so sorry for these "anniversaries". Much love to you.

jessica said...

Sending you and Teddy and your 4 beautiful babies all of the love in the world. It shouldn't be this way. I'm sorry that it is. xo