You can't escape from yourself

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I've been going through a weird spell.  And, I know I always say that - so I am thinking that maybe I am now just "weird".  Or maybe I always was.  I will leave that up to the people who know me to decide.  Anyway, as it turns out - you can't run away from your own life.  Being in a new place is a good distraction.  I am not constantly looking for ways not to drive past Maxie's daycare, or the hospital - and I never bump into people who knew me before.  I like driving around in circles in the morning before I drop the kids off at school so Macie can nap and I can learn how to get from one place to another .  I like going to a new supermarket, where I don't have to worry about seeing the produce guy who thinks I am a jerk because I stopped making small talk with him after my son died.  At the same time, I hate that there are no reminders of Max here.  He only visited here once. Sometimes we get bagels after swim lessons on Saturday mornings and I always think about the time that we had bagels in the same place while visiting with Max.  I remember the table we sat at and that Maxie was sitting in his McClaren stroller that morning.  During my drive in the morning, I sometimes drive past a restaurant near the kids school that we had dinner at during Max's visit.  I remember my in-laws introducing him to the waiter. I don't remember much else about the time we were here with Max. We spent a lot of time at my sister-in-law's house and we had a small gathering in her backyard so that Ted could introduce Maxie to his friends.  Her house used to remind me of that visit.  We've made so many memories there though that the ones we made there with him have all but faded.

I had some strange idea in my head that I'd go someplace new and be "anonymous". Not "Anonymous", the jerk that writes mean comments on the blogs of grieving parents, just someone who could get lost in a town where nobody knew me. But, now I realize that I am in a town where nobody knows me and there are aspects of that that really kind of suck.  Don't get me wrong, I know we made the right decision for our family. Our kids are happy. We have more room. Whether I end up enjoying winter or not, I am pretty sure my kids will like it. Ted's commute is short and he is able to spend more time with us. I love living so close to my sister-in-law and her brood.  My mother-in-law is so helpful with the kids and at our home.  I guess I am just a little lonely - or missing some of the people who really know me.  These days everyone I meet is someone that I have to decide whether I can talk about Max with, and when I do, there is no way to either "keep it light" or properly convey the depths to which his not being here is always breaking my heart. I also often feel like I am speaking a different language than everyone else I meet. I am not sure I have figured out Connecticut culture yet.  It is much more different than I ever thought it would be.  I don't really feel like I fit in - not sure whether I ever will...AND - maybe that has nothing to do with the move - although I think I miss Californians.  Maybe having to make all new friends at 42, after the loss of my child wasn't the best choice for me.

Ok, but it is what it is.  I DO think that Mo, Myla and Macie will be super happy here...they already are.  And, change can be really good, right? I have no regrets.  Maybe just a little bit of homesickness.....


Egreeno said...

It's so hard to make new friends as an adult! You are not weird! I only survived the move to Seattle because my job brought me to see you and other CA friends often, now five years in I do have friends but they are not the same as my friends from my earlier years and my life feels contained in a much smaller circle. and none if my interactions are overshadowed by having to chose how to, or if, I should communicate about my child. That sounds excruciating and exhausting! Love you and wish we lived a lot closer!

Abby Leviss said...

I wish we lived much closer too Wynor. I love you!

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