Action packed

We've had a busy weekend.  Mo and Myla's Gigi, Papa, Auntie Beth and Cousin Sadie came to visit. Mo has been having a blast with his family and everyone has been enjoying Myla.  Ted's family came in for the last three days of activities, which included Mo's second birthday party, Myla's Jewish conversion and a family trip to Disneyland. 

Mo's birthday was awesome.  Since Mo is SO super into animals, we decided to rent a petting zoo.  We couldn't decide if it was a little over the top but figured that we actually have the perfect backyard for farm animals, we might as well make use of it.  When Mo woke up from his nap on Sunday, he had a really awesome surprise - a mini horse, sheep, rabbits, chickens, ducks and a giant tortoise.  Mo LOVED the animals, but I think he loved the animal handler even more.  The first thing he did was walk over to her, grab her hat and stick it on his own head - and then he very seriously pet, chased, and was terrorized by all of critters behind the fence.

I'm pretty sure that the animals were a hit.

All of the kids really enjoyed them.....even if it looked, at times, like they were longing to escape:

On Monday, Myla became a Jew.  She was converted in the Mikveh (ritual bath) at American Jewish University - the only multi-denominational Mikveh on our coast from Mexico to San Francisco.  It was a really special ceremony, with lots of meaning for us.  The woman who ran the Mikveh explained that there were many reasons that people use the mikveh - not only for conversion - but also for new beginnings and to wash away old traumas and to mark special occasions.  We loved the idea of Myla starting a new beginning - not only as a Jew, but as our daughter.  Our families joined us - it was really special.

Yesterday, we took Mo and went with Teddy's extended family (his Aunt Jan, her husband Ian, her two daughters and their husbands and children, along with Auntie Beth, Sadie, Gigi and Papa) to Disneyland - my favorite place on earth.  Yes, even today, as a 40 year old woman - I LOVE Disneyland. I wondered if Mo would "get it" or even have fun.  No need to worry at all! He loved it. He was even a super trooper in the ride lines - which is more than I can say about the adults. This kid took no nap at all and still managed to stay in great spirits for most of the day (with a very small exception on our way out of the park). Seeing him having so much fun was the best fun ever. I can't wait to go back with him!!

OUR MO IS TWO YEARS OLD TODAY!!!!

Mo is two years old today.  I've been waiting for this for a LONG time!  He is the greatest kid I could have ever hoped for.  Currently, he is really into horsies, barn animals (roosters, cows, goats, sheep, pigs), dinosaurs, cars (specifically construction vehicles) and his daddy (who he calls "Neh Neh")!  His favorite song is "Happy", by Pharell - which is totally indicative of his upbeat demeanor.  We listened to it all morning on repeat (which, although a totally played out tune, I was much happier to be listening to all morning than I would have been listening to "Let it go" like my friends who are moms of 2 year old girls!).  He is the most awesome little dude and we are so grateful that he showed up exactly when he did and completely brightened up, and let's face it, saved our lives. 

Happy Birthday MOSIE MO!

And, now for the recap:

That was last year!  And here is today:

Maxie's Candles

I didn't post the request asking friends, family and readers to light candles this year.  I figured that people would probably be burned out with my asking - and since the blog is private now, maybe I just wouldn't get enough to make posting worthwhile anyway.  And then yesterday, they just started coming in - by text, email and even Facebook - and they lit up my night.  Each candle symbolizes to me someone who remembered Maxie in that moment that they lit it - and I just know he feels that love.  I can't tell you how it made me feel.  These photos are all so special and unique - just like all of you.  Thank you.  Thank you for helping me to keep his spirit alive and for not forgetting him.  It means the world to me.

On anger, time and deserving more...

We visited the cemetery yesterday.  As I watched Mo play on the grass, dancing among the gravemarkers, I just felt overwhelming sadness - that this is where we have to come to be close to our beloved boy, that this is a place that my other children will be familiar with, and that there is no escape from this reality.  I don't know why it still feels SO unreal and so impossible....but I haven't seen my baby in three years.  I won't see him ever again in this lifetime.
I've worked really hard to get to where I am today - in a place of mostly gratefulness and happiness.  I PROMISE you that it hasn't come easy - it has been the fight of my life - and I imagine that it will continue to be.  Being happy and grateful is a decision that I have to make every single morning, and often, throughout the day.  The fact is that I still feel cheated, and like Ted was cheated, and Mo and Myla - and most especially Maxie.  Maxie was cheated and that just kills me.

This JUST happened.  Whether you see it that way or not.... for us, it JUST happened.  He was JUST taken from us.  We JUST left the hospital without him.  And we miss him so much.  SO SO SO SO MUCH.   And we will never get over it, or move on, or feel like new children have replaced him.  Every child is unique.  No child replaces another....and frankly, if you don't know that, I am not sure what kind of a parent you could possibly be.

On this third anniversary, I have nothing really profound to say except that he deserved more, but I guess we all already know that. 

The third 19th

These past few weeks have been so busy that I have been able to keep my mind from wandering into the abysmal thoughts of tomorrow's three year anniversary.  I wonder how it can possibly be three years already - when I feel as though I lost him yesterday.  The pain, when I give any power to it at all, is just as intense and all-consuming as it was in those horrible days in the hospital and that dark and hopeless year that followed.  I still long for him with an aching intensity that sears every fiber of my being - an intensity that is made so much more excruciating by the fact that I know he is gone for good.  This simple fact is still completely unbelievable and impossible for me to wrap my brain around and I am still expecting to find out there's been some terrible mistake....because I can still smell him, and feel inside how being his mother felt.  I can still see him in my minds eye - his smile, his enthusiasm for life, his love for those who loved him.  It just remains a complete nightmare - all waking hours.  It just never goes away.

And at the same time, there is this part of me that has gone on.  It makes me sick to acknowledge it, because part of me thinks that anything less than my death is a complete betrayal of my love for him - like Romeo and Juliet, or Westside Story, or Buttercup's intentions on the night of her marriage to Prince Humperdink.  How can one go on living when their true love has died?  It's almost impossible.  It really is.

But, somewhere you eventually find the strength - and in my case (our case - because this is true for Teddy too) - you fall in love again.  And, don't think for an instant that didn't come with it's own complications - I still sometimes worry that my love for Mo might be seen by Max as a betrayal - since I love him SO completely, so fully, and so exactly just as much as I love/d Max.  And, people always tell me "Well, you feel that way when you have another child.  You always feel like you're betraying the first one."  And, I feel a similar worry with Mo now that Myla is here BUT, you have to believe me, it is different.  I can wrap Mo is my arms and kiss him and tell him that I adore him.  I cannot do that with Max.  You cannot compare the experience of two living children to the experience in which one is dead.  I am sorry but, as much as you want to, you cannot make that comparison.

I guess the point is, that while everything seems to have changed, there is still a core piece of me that will be forever stuck in July 18th of 2011.  The last full day that my child was alive.  The last day that I remember being in complete harmony.  Yes, I had every day stressors - work and money and whatnot - BUT - there was no hole in my heart.  It is the last day that I was ever who I used to be.  It was the last day that Ted and I and our beautiful baby just were.  The next morning, everything changed, and there has been this missing - a missing person, a missing piece, a missing/ a longing - ever since.  Awful.  Unbelievable.  Shocking.  Heartbreaking.  Reality.

I still miss you.  I still love you.  There is no piece of me that isn't still longing to pick you up and love you.  Everything has changed and really nothing has changed at all.

Frequently Asked Questions about our Adoption

We are excited about everyone's excitement over Myla!  She is an awesome baby and yes, we feel very lucky (I think that answers question number 1).  We've received lots of questions about Myla and our decision to adopt - I know people are curious, so hopefully this helps a little:

2. Why did we decide to adopt?
This is the most obvious question with the most difficult to articulate answer.  The truth is that I've been interested in adopting for as long as I can remember.  It's possible that I watched Annie too many times (and no, I am not kidding).  As I got older, I thought about it more and more because I knew there were no guarantees that I would be able to have my own children.  After Maxie was born, Ted and I spoke a lot about adopting from the foster care system.  I think we just loved being parents so much and showering Max with love that the idea of being able to shower a child that wasn't getting that kind of love was really appealing to us.  The week before Max died, I had a lunch with a colleague who adopted his son through the foster care system so that I could ask him a bunch of questions and meet his kid.  After Max died, and the future seemed not worth living, it became something positive we could put our efforts into (though, by that time, adopting from the foster care system felt too scary - because I had heard too many stories of birthmothers changing their minds.)

3. What happened? I thought that this birthmother changed her mind?
Yes, it's true.  There was a major turn around that happened. Myla's birthmother decided 5 days after Myla was born that she wanted to raise her herself and not place her with us.  That was really hard for us and obviously, it was a difficult decision for her too.  I left Georgia thinking I'd never see this baby again.  But a few weeks later, Myla's birthfamily contacted us to say that they were having a change of heart.

To place one's baby for adoption has to be one of the bravest, selfless and most loving things that a parent could do for their child.  This baby was very loved by her birthfamily - mother, father, grandmother, aunts, sister, cousins and all.  To decide to give her a "better life" was not an easy decision for any of them.  It's no wonder it took so much time.

4. How is Mo doing with having a new baby in the house? 
He LOVES her!  See exhibit A.  It is definitely a transition and he has been a little more needy than usual.  He is also making a little emotional switch over to daddy since mommy's hands are fuller than usual (AND, let's face it - daddy is more fun anyway.)  Ted's been waiting patiently for the extra attention for a long time.

Exhibit A:

5. Are you taking maternity leave?
I am not taking maternity leave....a decision that I might regret later.  But, I felt that I should power through, having taken off so much time after Max was born, after he died and then again after Mo was born.  I am also taking a work trip to Israel in early August that I am preparing for - that will be super hard but something I made a commitment to long before knowing Myla even existed.  So far so good though.  I work from home and Mo's nanny is great.  When I am not wearing Myla - she will be taking care of her.
  
6. How are you adjusting? (Otherwise known as "You must be over the moon")
We love her so much.  Quite honestly, it still doesn't really feel like she is ours.  Until the moment we drove home with her, we still really had no sense at all about whether it would really happen or not.  Sometimes it feels like we are just babysitting someone else's kid.  I've been assured by other adoptive parents I've spoken to that this is totally normal and that it just takes some time.  So, we have been mostly holed up at home, getting to know her and creating new routines for our family.

So far, she has been really easy.  She sleeps a lot (because, duh, she's two months old), takes down a 4 ounce bottle every 3 hours or so, only wakes up once during the night (lovely), and is mostly pretty chill.  I like to wear her around a lot in my Moby carrier (and in fact have been wearing her all morning while working at my computer).  She loves being held and played with and isn't very demanding at all.

Myla Loreen Nicole Leviss

Introducing Myla Loreen Nicole Leviss.

Myla - you know we love the M names over here. 

Loreen - Loreen is a family middle name from Abby's side. 

Nicole - the middle name given to her by her birthmother 

Leviss - no explanation necessary

We weren't with Myla on her first month birthday, so we are starting with month 2 - a few days late! 

Baby Girl Leviss

It's been two months and two days since the day she was born.  We didn't give up on her.  After spending some special time that her birthmother needed with her - she is finally here! Baby girl Leviss....name on the way!!! She is sweet as can be and loved by all - especially her big brother!

Stay Tuned

Today is the 2nd day of the 7th month of this year (27!).  We are expecting big things over here.........................Stay Tuned!

Forgotten

Between 2004-2006, I was really involved in the "Save Darfur" movement.  I co-founded a Regional Darfur Coalition in the Bay Area, moved to NY for 6 months to coordinate participation in a rally for Darfur in Washington DC., and helped to put together a mock UN trial against Omar Al-Bashir for genocide and crimes against humanity.  I could hardly focus on things happening in my own life because I was consumed by what was happening in Sudan.

I am ashamed to say that was 8 years ago.  At the time, we knew that the statistics were wrong - we'd say "over 200,000 dead", even though we knew that the body count was much higher.  Ted and I watched a piece on 60 minutes about Darfur a couple of nights ago that gave the same statistic - a statistic that remains static because nobody can actually confirm how many more have been killed or have died as a consequence of being displaced.

I was watching the piece and I couldn't stop crying.  I stopped being involved in the movement because it felt useless - nobody was listening anyway.  I stopped being involved because I wasn't comfortable with the communities of activity in Los Angeles, where I moved in 2006.  I stopped being involved because I became increasingly involved in my own life.  Terrible excuses.

I can't think about it for more than a minute without feeling sick - the number of women who've been raped, the children dying of malnutrition, the villages being burned and the people being killed.  And it is only ONE place on earth where this is happening.  Just one place.  A place that isn't strategically important enough for us to care about ending its genocide.  It's a forgotten place - a place nobody talks about anymore, nobody sends their money there anymore.  It's refugees are forgotten as well - having been given up to 2000 calories a day five years ago, today they are lucky to get 900.

I am so ashamed - is anyone else?

And, it was only three months ago that 230 school girls were kidnapped right from their school in Nigeria.  I saw lots of "#bringbackourgirls" for a while, but I don't anymore.  I guess they are forgotten too.  I guess we cannot dare to imagine what it would be like to be a child taken from their school by terrorists - or the fear and grief and emotional torture of their parents.  We are overcome by our own lives and we forget.  I honestly don't know how to change this in my own life, let alone advise or admonish anyone else for the same.  I just know it makes me feel ashamed.

And frankly, I can't even post this post without acknowledging my grief over the three kidnapped and subsequently murdered Israeli boys, who were finally found yesterday, buried under some rocks.  Their parents are getting all of the messages we'd expect - about how their sons death brought together an international community, about how everyone they know is going to hug their kids tighter, about how they should be comforted by the Mourners of Zion (aren't THEY the Mourners of Zion?  In this case it actually makes sense because down the road, they will be left to comfort themselves.)  My statement on this one is far from political - I am left wing on Israel - very much for a two state solution - very uncomfortable with settlements - you can even quote me on that.  But I am so sad to think of three young boys hitchhiking (something I've done in Israel too many times to count), being picked up, scared out of their minds, and then murdered.  #bringbackourboys no longer.  They are gone forever.

And - I know these things don't all tie together perfectly.  They do for me - I just have a hard time articulating it.  But, I often wonder why it seems like so many people in my life have forgotten Maxie - and then I remember that he was just one little boy, just one baby, and he wasn't kidnapped or murdered or tortured, and STILL my life ended on that day that he stopped breathing.  And I want so much for him to be remembered.  SO MUCH.  But, I can't even step away from it long enough to remember the suffering that surrounds us all every single day.

Sometimes it really all seems too cruel, too much, too unjust.  Maybe all we can do to preserve our own sanity is to forget.  I just refuse is all.  I won't forget any of it.  I couldn't even if I tried.