Hard

Thursday, April 30, 2015

I'm having a hard time. Like, a REALLY hard time. It's a combination of things - post partum hormones, PTSD (still got that one cooking), no sleep - up every morning with Mace between 3-5 and when I finally get him down, the other two wake up), a potentially scary test result for Mace (more on that in future weeks maybe), a general feeling of being fat and unpresentable post baby, Jake's death, and some family drama that has left me feeling pretty worn down. 

I think everyone has times in life that are really really hard. I think this would be hard if I was just nursing a little one all night and didn't have all of the other factors, but I do. I tend to have this feeling that I should be grateful and happy all of the time because my remaining children are alive. So when I start to feel unhappy or worn out by other factors in life, things that I think wear most parents down, I really beat myself up. Another bereaved parent explained it well - it feels like we are supposed to be crying tears of joy over every poopy diaper - and in theory, I kind of am. 

But this is hard and frankly, I am having a hard time. I see the horizon up ahead - I just can't get there quick enough.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Abby, Don't know that I can really say anything that will help, but I totally hear you. I think everyone goes through these cycles and no matter what particular crap we are dealing with, we don't cut ourselves any slack. We convince ourselves that everyone around us can hold it together, when really, we don't have any idea what they are thinking. You have so much on your plate right now, any one of those would be a lot to handle, let alone all at once. You are totally allowed to feel shitty sometimes. That's life. I think it would be way more worrisome if you were all rainbows and sprinkles. One of the things I really admire about you and your blog is how honest you are about your feelings and how you just put it all out there. On a lighter note, I was happy to read that you are moving out East (although I can't believe you are giving up those L.A. winters!!!). If I am ever in your neighborhood (most likely for a kid hockey tournament) I would love to get together. Hang in there, Kimby

Anonymous said...

Kids are hard! Grief is hard! You're allowed. I hope you can find as much support as you need.

TamaraL said...

Hang in there...sounds like you definitely are overwhelmed but it all can't last forever. Thinking of you.

robyn said...

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. You do have a lot on your plate with all of those things you said, not to mention a move. It is understandable to feel overwhelmed, but I do hope that this passes and you come out the other side soon. I wish I was there to help where I could. I love you and am thinking of you.

Seeing Each Day said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of these other challenging factors as well as the constant grief factor (as if that isn't exhausting enough). It's interesting when we put expectations on ourselves and not as much on others, I broke down on the phone last night to a friend in regards to a challenging situation that's happening in my life and I've spent most of my sleep hours feeling so embarrassed about crying, when if it was the other way around I wouldn't think twice. Don't forget that you're having to start on the back foot every morning with being up from 3am and that must have a significant impact on the capacity to feel 'together' if that makes sense.

Egreeno said...

The lack of sleep alone would make any situation so much more difficult but add to that the greif, the stress of a move and the incredible difficulty of worrying about anything medical for Mace and it's a lot more than overwhelming to say the least. I hope that horizon is drawing nearer! Thinking if you and sending you tons of love!!

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Tiffany said...

i love you! that first year with a newborn is so hard in general. then add where we have been. and other children to tend to, and forget it! i wish i was there to help you in person. to sit with you and hug you and cry with you. know that i'm hugging you from afar.

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