Sunday, April 26, 2015
We finally had to put Jake down a few weeks ago. It was a sort of painful decision as there was no perfect time really. I have been avoiding thinking about it for the most part because it isn't a very convenient time to grieve and I am just emotionally worn out.
Losing a dog is painful. It doesn't compare to losing my son. It just doesn't. The fact is that everything painful thing in life now gets compared to losing Max. It's my barometer. And what sort if sucks about that is that I don't allow myself to feel the other sadnesses - because I have this feeling that they shouldn't count....because compared to losing Max they don't. But there has been a lot of painful stuff over these past four years and frankly, it's just so exhausting.
Jake was a special dog. I've loved him more than any other animal ever (don't tell Layla - she is a close second ;)) He had my heart from the moment I knew he existed. A friend's brother and his family were Jakeys first owners I'd seen his photo and became obsessed with goldendoodles. I spent hours researching them on the internet. And then - I learned they couldn't keep him. I knew he had to be mine. I'd "secreted" him is what I told Ted after we watched "The Secret@ together. Jake was big and fluffy and cuddly. He nuzzled everyone who came over and laid in our laps and across our bodies while we slept. We used to say that he wasn't the smartest dog (he'd forget how to use the doggie door every few days and just stand outside and bark until we showed him again how it worked), but he sure was pretty. He was so pretty - he had the softest prettiest coat, the longest eyelashes and the sweetest face. His coat would get long and dreadlocky when I didn't brush him (because I hardly ever did) and when he'd come back from the groomers with really short hair, we called him "Jacques" - he somehow seemed more French with the short doo. Another fake name often thrown in the mix was "Yakey", as my former housekeeper from Peru used to call him.
Jake was my first great love. Honestly. He was my first experience with that particular brand of selflessness. A sImilar feeling you have towards your children (though not quite the same). While I tend to diminish his passing, his life lit mine up every day he was with me.
I hope he's found my Maxie by now and is giving him some great big cuddles.