On Maxie's Fifth Birthday

Always in my head
India Arie

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river running through the desert plain
You are my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

I can hear the sound of five drummers in the wind
The leaves blowing in the breeze, ring out like guitars
A tin can rolls across the gravel like a tambourine
I am but a vessel, so I sing, because you are.... 

In my head, you're always in my head
In my dreams, you're always in my head
In my pain, you're always in my head
In my peace, you're always in my head

A rainbow of rhythm stretches across the sky
An airplane in the distance, plays a beautiful cello line
It's no coincidence, it's in tune with the music in my head
If you were a shoulder you're where I would rest, but I am your vessel so I hear, you....

In my head,you're always in my head
In my fears,you're always in my head
In my joy,you're always in my head
In my tears, you're always in my head

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day 
You are a river, running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain:'cause I hear you

I am heartsick today, on your fifth birthday. I can't stop the tears that keep falling out of my eyes. None of it seems real. And yet, you were real.  You were mine.  And you had all of the potential in the world.  What I wouldn't give to see you grow up.  You are the deepest part of my soul.  You mean everything to me.  I can barely breathe some days without you.  I am so sorry you are gone.  I am so sorry.  I never stop being so sorry. 

Wherever you are Max, my love will find you.


Anonymous said...

He is SUCH a beautiful boy. Happy happy birthday to your wonderful Max, I am so sad that you can't hug and hold him today, and every day.

Christina said...

Happy birthday to your beautiful boy, and to you on your fifth anniversary of being his mama. I have been reading your blog now for years and consider it an honor and a privilege to read the words from you heart and "know" your sweet son from afar. He will always be remembered.

Tamar said...

It's unfathomable. I look at these pictures of your darling boy and I also can't believe he's gone. I can't believe he didn't get the chance to grow up and celebrate any of his birthdays here with you. He was perfect and your love for him is also perfect and it would not make sense if he wasn't always in your head. As so many people have said before, I'm sorry can't possibly suffice. Sending love to your whole family today and all days. xoxo

Taryn said...

Been thinking about you. I know this day is a hard one, I also know it is a sacred one to be remembered and honored. I am so sorry your baby isn't here with you on this important day, but I also know his birth brought so much love and joy that is worth celebrating---You can see it in every single picture. What a beautiful boy! Happy Birthday, Maxie!

Anonymous said...

Happy 5 th birthday sweet Max. Love to you and your beautiful family. Our love will always find our precious sons Max and Seth.

Nadinsche said...

Happy Birthday Max! Thinking of you and your mum and dad!

Egreeno said...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. Maxie - you have a most amazing family and it is beyond unfair that you are not here to celebrate this birthday with them and all of us. We love you!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday sweet boy. Keep your momma close.

Britt MacKenzie said...

Maxie is always in my heart. Thinking of you, and so sorry Maxie is not here with you now to celebrate his 5th birthday.

Thinking of you Always,

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday beautiful boy. Your soul shines through in every picture - the unfairness that there haven't been a million more and a million more to come is unfathomable. As has been said here, it is beyond unfair. You are always loved and always remembered.

Bianca said...

Max's personality shines through in the photos as does the unbreakable bond between you and Ted and your beautiful first born boy. It is so terribly unfair and heartbreaking that he's not running around at his 5th birthday party, I'm so sorry. Sending lots of love.

TamaraL said...

What a beautiful boy. Happy Birthday to your sweet Max - so sad for your family that he isn't here with you. Hugs to your lovely family...

Hannah Patterson said...

Coming to this late, but Max was beautiful and looking at these wonderful photographs is lovely but sad because it is hard to believe that this smiling, healthy, stunning child was so cruelly taken.