Hard

I'm having a hard time. Like, a REALLY hard time. It's a combination of things - post partum hormones, PTSD (still got that one cooking), no sleep - up every morning with Mace between 3-5 and when I finally get him down, the other two wake up), a potentially scary test result for Mace (more on that in future weeks maybe), a general feeling of being fat and unpresentable post baby, Jake's death, and some family drama that has left me feeling pretty worn down. 

I think everyone has times in life that are really really hard. I think this would be hard if I was just nursing a little one all night and didn't have all of the other factors, but I do. I tend to have this feeling that I should be grateful and happy all of the time because my remaining children are alive. So when I start to feel unhappy or worn out by other factors in life, things that I think wear most parents down, I really beat myself up. Another bereaved parent explained it well - it feels like we are supposed to be crying tears of joy over every poopy diaper - and in theory, I kind of am. 

But this is hard and frankly, I am having a hard time. I see the horizon up ahead - I just can't get there quick enough.

LOVE

I hope my children always know that they are loved. No matter who they become, no matter what they do, no matter how old they get - we will always love them. We will always tell them, we will always show them, we will always make sure that they know that we love them more than anything. Even when they are challenging - or our feelings get hurt, they will know that they are loved.  And when life is hard for them - we will be there, walking beside them - because that's what we signed up for, that's what they deserve, and that's what love means. As long as Ted and I are alive, these guys will never ever feel alone..... From here to eternity - we will always love the one that we have outlived and we'll always love the ones that outlive us long after we are gone.

Bittersweet

Since losing Maxie, I have been fantasizing about moving away - as if leaving this place could make the pain go away.  We thought about Portland and Seattle and Israel and Hawaii and Costa Rica.  We wanted a fresh start, an adventure, and some place where we didn't have to worry about driving past Maxie's daycare, the ER, or the cemetery every time we left the house.

As time has passed, we've realized that no matter where we are - we won't be able to leave the pain behind.  For a long time, that put our search on hold....until now.  We are moving - soon!   A new adventure for me in a new place - a new adventure for Ted in an old familiar place.  It is starting to feel real.  I am really excited and also so so sad.

I am sad to leave this familiar place that I've spent most of my life in.  This town that everyone loves to hate is a place that I love to love.  I've always loved LA.  Always, always.  I get why people don't like it - traffic, superficial Hollywood people.....uh, traffic.  But I love the sunshine, the beach, the mountains, the canyons, the endless list of places to eat, drink and play.  Most of that has felt pretty empty for a long time, but I will still miss it.

I will miss friends and family and special places and old traditions. Of course we will visit, but it won't be the same. 

Despite all this, I'm really excited - really. Look out East Coast! Here we come!

Jake

We finally had to put Jake down a few weeks ago. It was a sort of painful decision as there was no perfect time really. I have been avoiding thinking about it for the most part because it isn't a very convenient time to grieve and I am just emotionally worn out.

Losing a dog is painful. It doesn't compare to losing my son. It just doesn't. The fact is that everything painful thing in life now gets compared to losing Max. It's my barometer. And what sort if sucks about that is that I don't allow myself to feel the other sadnesses - because I have this feeling that they shouldn't count....because compared to losing Max they don't. But there has been a lot of painful stuff over these past four years and frankly, it's just so exhausting.

Jake was a special dog. I've loved him more than any other animal ever (don't tell Layla - she is a close second ;)) He had my heart from the moment I knew he existed. A friend's brother and his family were Jakeys first owners I'd seen his photo and became obsessed with goldendoodles. I spent hours researching them on the internet. And then - I learned they couldn't keep him. I knew he had to be mine. I'd "secreted" him is what I told Ted after we watched "The Secret@ together. Jake was big and fluffy and cuddly. He nuzzled everyone who came over and laid in our laps and across our bodies while we slept. We used to say that he wasn't the smartest dog (he'd forget how to use the doggie door every few days and just stand outside and bark until we showed him again how it worked), but he sure was pretty. He was so pretty - he had the softest prettiest coat, the longest eyelashes and the sweetest face.  His coat would get long and dreadlocky when I didn't brush him (because I hardly ever did) and when he'd come back from the groomers with really short hair, we called him "Jacques" - he somehow seemed more French with the short doo. Another fake name often thrown in the mix was "Yakey", as my former housekeeper from Peru used to call him. 

Jake was my first great love. Honestly. He was my first experience with that particular brand of selflessness. A sImilar feeling you have towards your children (though not quite the same). While I tend to diminish his passing, his life lit mine up every day he was with me. 

I hope he's found my Maxie by now and is giving him some great big cuddles. 

There will never be another like you my friend

Mace two months

Mace is an awesome baby. He is really mellow 95% of the time, and if he ever fusses up, it usually takes some milk and maybe 2 Hyland homeopathic Colic tablets to chill him out. He is so cute, smells so good, and looks so much like big brother Mo - though he continues to remind me most of Maxie. Mace has just started smiling, usually with an open mouth and just off from center eye contact. He is so special. 

Four

If you were to ask Mo how old he was today, he'd say four. I'm not sure why, since he isn't even three yet. But, people keep asking him - and he keeps saying four.

People keep laughing and asking me how it is to have three children and am I going to try for four. I rarely correct them and say "I already have four", because when I do they feel bad. Of course, the question makes me feel bad - and so does playing along with the suggestion that Mo, Myla and Macie make up the entirety of my clan of kids. 

This July will make four years since our worlds fell apart. FOUR YEARS. Impossible to imagine. There are still broken pieces everywhere I look as if the devastation JUST happened. Four years sounds like a lot. It's nothing.

Four. He should be four. He should be four.

Myla Eleven Months Old

We are getting so close! Myla is eleven months old as of yesterday! I can't believe that a year has gone by since she was born. She has changed so much in that year - and not only in her appearance. Myla is a VERY spirited baby! She feels things very deeply - her laugh is hysterical and straight from her belly, her cry is inconsolable, her smile is ear to ear, her focus is unbreakable, and she is constantly in motion. She never just sits on anyone's lap or plays quietly on the floor. She rolls and military crawls and kicks all over the place. Getting her dressed is like being in a wrestling match. She has an awesome appetite and is pretty much the cutest eater I've ever seen. She  eats anything and everything - not at all picky and eats tons of fruits and veggies. She also loves her bottles and sometimes the only way to get pajamas on her body is by giving her one. She's getting REALLY close to crawling and finally has two bottom teeth. She's especially close to her big brother Mo but is also really interested in her little brother Mace and always trying to climb into his swing or carseat. She is a truly awesome baby and we love her so much!!!

Buds

I love to see these two together. They really love each other. Myla screams whenever Mo comes in the room and Mo can't wait for her to wake up from naps so that they can play. When they sit at the dinner table, they have a routine of screaming and squealing back and forth (it warms my heart but it hurts my ears). I love how close they are. I hope it stays like this between them forever.