Walk away

There are a lot of things that people say when they "mean well" that used to make me crazy that don't really anymore. Things I have learned to ignore. I am so glad to have moved out of that really raw and vulnerable place - the one where well-meaning but unthinking people hurt my feelings ALL of the time.

That being said - I am not sure I will ever move past people intentionally minimizing my grief (and therefore Maxie's death). It is not a minimal loss - it is still devastating to Ted and I every minute of every day. There are constant reminders of his not being here, even things that may seem small to others. One of those things was "international siblings day" - a "holiday" that appeared on Facebook the other day, out of the clear blue sky, as if it had ever existed before.  I felt like a punching bag after seeing about the 20th photo of friends kids smiling with their arms around each other, with the "international siblings day" tag. Seeing siblings together just about tears my insides out. My Mo should have a living older brother! Maxie should be playing with Mo & teaching him new things! How is that not clear to anyone who knows us? 

Let me explain something - it's not cute, or "no big deal" or anything small! If I tell you I am having a hard time or suffering - believe me. I am.  It is a tragedy of epic proportions to us that our child died....that Mo doesn't have an older brother...that our hearts are broken and that our lives are such a struggle. Max's birth, life and death changed the very core of who we are forever.  Kissing him goodbye, while he lay in a hospital bed and then driving away from our baby to live a life in which we will never see him again has been a complete and total nightmare that I still cannot BELIEVE we are living through. You cannot imagine the gut wrenching pain of it.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So do me a favor - don't try and be cute & don't dare make light of the situation... And if you can't help yourself from trying to minimize it, walk away and don't say anything at all.


Anonymous said...

That was hard to read on Facebook, so sorry you have to suffer. It's all beyond unfair. -Kate

Rachael said...

According to Wikipedia, the holiday was originally conceived by Claudia Evart to honor the memory of her brother and sister, both of whom had died.

Jayden's Mommy said...

I'm sorry Abby. It is painful. It's beyond what most people will ever begin to understand. Completely unfair. I see two little boys and I feel cheated because Kyle should have his older brother.

Anonymous said...

So many of these 'holiday's are insensitive. My sibling died tragically ten years ago and seeing stuff about 'sibling days' cuts like a knife.