Bump

Monday, April 7, 2014

I've got this bump.  I guess it's a little suspect.  I've been putting Vita Merfen on it since getting back from Israel.  Nothing has happened though.  I was using tea tree oil on it before that - also nothing.  I'm sure it is nothing - though I am actually really not sure of anything these days.  I should just go get it checked out - and I will.  It's just that the last time I was at the dermatologist was the day before Maxie stopped breathing.  The day before my life, as I knew it, ended.  The doctor had a three month old and left the office to go pump.  I had just stopped pumping a couple of weeks before.  We talked about babies, and breastfeeding and maternal love and adoration.  It's just too much for me.  I don't know why I make these associations but honestly, the idea of going back there makes me sick to my stomach.  I could easily find another dermatologist I suppose, but that sort of stresses me out too.  I don't even know why.  Maybe writing this post will be the push that I need to just go get this bump check, because once it's in my calendar, I'll just go.  My whole life feels like a series of befores and afters and I really can't face either.  Even this tiny little bump feels completely connected to that awful day. 

4 comments:

Bianca said...

I know this post is not as much about the bump as it is about how things that used to be straightforward--like a doctors appointment--can be so complicated and painful without Maxie. But in case it helps in a teeny way, I see this derm in Glendale: bhskin.com. I recommend just making an appointment with the PA Erin.

More importantly, I'm so sorry that your precious boy is not here and I'm sending love to him and all of your family.

Anonymous said...

I started to work at this new company last week. No one knows about my daughter, and I am not planning to share. Today they had a mini birthday gathering for a co-worker. We all sang the birthday song, which immediately sent my thoughts to my previous daughter'a last birthday. They also gave everyone a small duck toy (I don't know why) which was the kind I had for my daughter's bath time. It's so hard, and I cried at my desk afterwards. No one noticed. Everything is connected, or can be connected to that.
Feels like I am hinding a huge secrete, but the thoughts of sharing just scares me too.

Abby Leviss said...

I can certainly understand all of that. It is so hard and feels so weird to be keeping this kind if a secret. The secret of the children we loved and love. I am so so sorry. Wish we could still give our sweet babies their baths. Xoxo

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

I have changed to a new dermatologist and dentist just to avoid any painful discussions. I still haven't been back to my internist because I know I'll be a big mess when I see him (but he's good, so I don't want to find another doctor).
Go ahead and get another dermatologist and give yourself a break.

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