Cold

Ted and I are in an ongoing conversation about when the right time will be to "put down" our dog Jake.  The tumor in his mouth is the size of a large lemon.  His nose is all dried out and being pushed from the inside of his mouth to the left side of his face.  He can't eat everything he used to.  Something is wrong with his right eye.  His breath is terrible - like he is rotting from the inside out.  He isn't himself anymore - even though he still loves to be rubbed, still loves to run around, is still wagging his tail, is still sitting under the kids chairs during mealtimes - hoping to catch a fallen Cheerio.  After particularly hard days (and we can't really figure out what makes the hard days hard), he lies perfectly still, his eyes glazed over, his breathing labored and slow.  On those days, we say our goodbyes- convinced that this will be our last night with him - and then wake up to find that he has recovered somewhat by the next morning.  I am not sure how much more I can take of the whole thing - and at the same time, I kind of feel nothing.  The death of this dog - who I have loved so much, with all of my heart - feels almost like nothing - and that in itself is something that I can't take much more of.  When Jake was healthy, and especially before I had children, we would snuggle on the bed or couch....I let him drape his whole 70 pound body over me.  I loved his smell even when he was desperate for a bath - the raw doggish smell of hard play and happiness.  His intense doggy breath didn't even bother me - it was Jake and I love everything about him.  Before losing Max, I honestly dreaded the day that I knew would come when we'd have to put Jake down.  I figured it would be one of the hardest things I'd go through.  It isn't....and I wonder if that means I am too broken and too cold to care.  I hate it.  And it isn't that I am not feeling the impending loss - I am.  But, I want it over with.  I don't want to prolong this anymore....and I can't imagine how I could possibly not want to prolong the life of my animal best friend.  I don't know.  Part of my heart seems to have turned cold....and that scares me.