Mind Control

I am in a new stage of grief...probably because little Mo is here now.  It is impossible for me to sit around looking at Max's photos and going over his whole life and his death over and over in my brain.  I can't just sit and wail and holler.  I am too busy changing diapers and taking care of his little brother.  Whenever Mo naps though, I have to either sleep or keep myself busy because my mind goes back to the trauma and takes me back to the pain.  I have been forcefully pushing myself to think about everything but Max all day.  Whenever I let myself slip, I think about the moment that we left the hospital without Max.  We just left him there!  And I feel sick with myself.  Sick that I just left the person at the center of my universe with a bunch of strangers in a strange place.  I left him there and am now living a whole life without him.  Honestly, it makes my head spin and my stomach turn.  I know there was no choice.  He was gone.  But, the horror of it doesn't leave me.  The horror is engraved on my heart.  It makes me feel unworthy and horrible.  I don't know why because I don't feel that way about other parents who've been through this nightmare.  I don't feel this way about Ted.  In fact, I feel like I have to pull it together to ensure Ted has a beautiful life.  I feel he is worthy of so much more than what he has been given.  Somehow when it comes to thinking about myself though, I feel disappointed and horrified.  Max was everything to me.  EVERYTHING.  And he is gone.  (I cannot believe my son is gone!)  And I just left him in the hospital and came home and started a new life without him.  I have to think about other things.  I have to forcefully push my mind into other thoughts...because when I go there, it is hard to return.


Taryn said...

The feelings that you are sharing her are so heartbreaking. I can only imagine the horror. While I'm certain these feelings are absolutely overwhelming, I hope you are able to feel a glimmer of belief that you have done nothing but honor your Maxie. I, for one, have seen nothing but love and devotion to your sweet boy. You have not 'moved on' and built a new life without him. You are building a life that includes him in the only way you can since he is not here physically. It is such a painful process and I wish there was some way to make it all right. I am brought to tears by your loss. I am so sorry.

Bryan Tobin said...

I can't get past the guilt I feel all day b/c my life has continued to move forward without my Charlie. It's all consuming. I remember arguing with the hospital staff to allow me to take him to the morgue. They wouldn't allow it so our pediatrician personally carried him down there. The thought makes me physically sick to my stomach. I try to stay occupied with my two living children but the mind ALWAYS goes back to Charlie and I get stuck there too. I hate the cliche but it's true, "One day at a time."