Spoke too soon

Friday, September 14, 2012

I'm hanging by a thread.  It is 1:30 am.  Mo has been fussing, crying and yelping since 10:30 am yesterday morning.  He took three 20 minute naps in the last 15 hours.  I can't find anything wrong with him.  He has no fever.  I haven't changed anything in my diet in the last two days.  There is no explanation.  But, I am having a tough day to say the least.  Earlier, I decided to take him out for a walk, thinking that might soothe him to sleep (that was over 12 hours ago) and we went to Starbucks.  I was wearing my "Rainbow Baby" t-shirt and when the barista asked me what it meant, I told her.  She awkwardly offered me my frappaccino for free.  Then I walked home thinking about how many times I would have to explain my sweet Maxie's death to complete strangers for the rest of my life.  It is completely daunting.  I was having these thoughts as my baby Mo cried and yelped and fussed all the way home...and then cried and yelped and fussed more.  He is still doing it now as I type this post, camped out on the living room couch while he swings away...unhappy. I have shushed, swaddled, bathed, rocked, and cuddled.  Ted has walked, hummed, sang and pacified. Sometimes I really think I am not cut out for my life.  Not sure how to keep pushing through.

And, yes, I called the pediatrician.  Nothing to tell me except to bring him in if he is still like this tomorrow

9 comments:

Kevin said...

Oh, I know how frustrating it can be. I wish there were some magic words to make it easier, but there are none to be found. I hope all of y'all are able to get some rest soon.

Susan said...

This too will pass xx


Abbie, I think grief and small baby is hard, because small babies can be awfully demanding, and you're already very busy with your grief. Working out how to be a mother-again and a mother-2-two is difficult crap. And any mother would find this tough, bereaved or not.


I hope Mo is settling now.


I know you don't like facebook, but I wonder if you would find it supportive when you have days like this. I find it helps to post in my private bereaved mums group when things are getting bad, and other people won't undrestand. You could always join under a psuedonym if you don't fancy doing the other social stuff.


Big hug to you - you are a wonderful mother, and you doing a brilliant job xx

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I understand about fussy babies. We haven't slept more than a couple of hours in the past two weeks between the medicine every few hours and the constant choking and gagging that Iris is doing. It's emotionally and physically exhaustive.


Talking about Maxie will get easier. In the beginining, I would break out in tears whenever someone would ask me how many kids I have. Or worse, when I would run into someone in town (we live in an incredibly small town-less than 5,000 people) and they wouldn't know and would innocently ask me how he was and I would have to tell them he died. Now, though, I find that talking about him and even his death is somehow empowering, like it serves as a reminder that he LIVED. When we applied for our mortgage a month ago the lender kept going on about why our income was a little less in 2010. After we left, I said something to my husband about that being when Toby died and he said, "Yeah, I kept waiting for you to mention that and explain it her. Usually, you're all about volunteering that information. Because you didn't, I was afraid I wasn't supposed to." I'm not a SIDS activist by any means, but I have found in most cases that by telling people it has opened up a dialog that has let me talk about SIDS facts and even find other bereaved mothers. (On more than one occasion, I have told someone that and they have replied that they, too, lost a child and then we spend a few minutes lending support to one another.)


Sometimes FB is good for motherhood support, if nothing else. People are always willing to comisserate with you over that. Susan can attest to my daily photo uploading of Iris and her hospital visits and diagnoses. I live out in the country with nothing but the chickens for company. It's my only connection to humanity most days.

Tiffany said...

been there. Juliana was definitely a crier when she was teeny tiny (actually she still is). she'll just wake up pissed and crying for no reason. SO SO opposite of her brother. i had one night where i just cried with her at like 2 or 3 in the morning. i cried for Julius. i need him desperately to help me, i wanted to be with him instead of trying to navigate the world of motherhood all over again. i was frustrated and felt like a failure. finally i got D up and had him take her, and i got a few hrs of sleep. i have no words of wisdom. but i want you to know, you are not alone. at all. we push through it with their help.

if you ever need me, i'm only an email/phone call away...

Egreeno said...

I'm so sorry Abs. You are an incredible mom!! Mo couldn't ask for a more capable, naturally nurturing and intuitive mom. Anyone who has seen you with either of your boys knows it. Please update us when you can on how both you and Mo faired the rest of the night. Hoping you both got some rest finally, Eowyn

Becca said...

I'm sorry. I've had nights where I am so exhausted and the baby is still crying and it all feels so overwhelming, and I am not dealing with grief. I can only imagine all those feelings magnified by 1000 by the grief of Maxie's death and everything that means for you on a daily basis. Again, I'm so sorry.

Taryn said...

That is absolutely miserable. I think all my kids have had at least a day or two like this, and it is perplexing, exhausting, scary and infuriating all at once. Usually nobody offers any kind of helpful answer...you've already done it all, ruled it all out etc. In my experience (not that I'm an expert or anything) these episodes pass without any explanation. You look back on them and they remain a complete mystery. It's really rough. Hang in there. I hope (and pray) that Mo will get back to himself soon...poor little guy!

robyn said...

abby. you are a fabulous mother and i hate to hear you doubting that fact. maxie was a lucky boy to have had you in his life and mo is just as lucky. babies are unpredictable and for no reason at all just have bad days. i hope it has passed and mo is feeling better and back to his lovely baby ways. thinking of you all.

NMB said...

I'm so sorry mama - sorry that you are going through this at all and also sorry that baby Mo is having a rough go..my daughter pretty much cried most of weeks 8-12..not sure why to this day. Our saving grace was dr Karp's 5s (swaddle, shush, swing, side and suck)..seriously we'd have the sound machine blasting while she was swinging away looking like a burrito baby..it was our saving grace.



Blog Design by Nudge Media Design | Powered by Blogger