I guess the nightmares are back.  I was hoping that the other night would be a one off.  Last night's was BAD.  I dreamt that Mo was a few months old already and that we had to go to the hospital for some kind of procedure.  One of the nurses said she would take Mo to the hospital daycare while I was in surgery.  She came back later to tell me very nonchalantly that Mo had died.  When I started screaming, she said, "I've had to experience hard things in life too."  I cried and cried and wanted to die and everyone was smiling at me and saying things like, "Think positively - you can always have more children" and "Oh, we'll always hold them in our hearts".  And I was drowning in trauma and horror and being totally ignored.

Then, in real life, I woke up to nurse Mo and when I went back to sleep, and the dream just kept going.  Today, I feel totally traumatized by the dream, as if real life wasn't traumatizing enough.  But it astounds me still that Max's life seems to have left no impression on so many.  Some have even assured me that good has come from his passing.  And I'm constantly told not to worry about Mo, to "think positively", as though any mother is capable of not worrying...especially one who sent her child to daycare (a place where he was supposed to be taken care of) to die.  Recently, friends were joking in front of me (and seemingly about Mo) about how much care goes into a first child and by the second and third, you just don't worry as much.  That might be true for someone whose baby didn't wake up perfectly healthy and then go to daycare and DIE an hour later.  As if Mo were a typical second child.  Why is this SO hard for people to understand?

And this is going to sound crazy and I guess I just don't care what you think to a certain extent.  Sometimes is feels like the whole world is in on this but me.  Like everyone conspired together to create this crazy unsolvable mystery around Max's death.  How is it possible that the coroner kept losing things and misplacing things and finding no cause of death?  That samples of blood were put in a package to be sent to the Mayo Clinic and they never got there?  And then the geneticists found nothing?  I mean, they tested every single gene in all three of our bodies and found nothing?  And the other unmentionable people got so freaked out by my questions that they actually called the cops on ME?  ME! - the bereaved mother who has to live day after day without my child for the rest of my life.  I mean, what the F am I missing here?  Why is everyone protecting their own asses?  It even sometimes seems like the every day people in my life who brush off Maxie's death with an "oh well, you can always have more children" or "Let's just focus on Mo" attitude are in on the conspiracy.  It's like the whole world has turned on us.  Or maybe it's more like people really don't care about dead babies (unless those babies are in Africa or Israel or caught in the cross fire of some political war or belonging to an animal in the zoo)  And, of course, I know it isn't so, but holy sh*t - this loss is isolating.  I can't make sense of nearly anything that has happened over the course of the last year and two months.  There are days when it just feels so unreal that all I can think is that it MUST be a massive cover up.  How else can I explain why everyone acts like this was no big deal?  Why everyone thinks this is just something for me to get over?  Like I am CRAZY out of my mind for letting "it" (the death of my BABY) consume me so much!  My Max was my everything.  How could it NOT consume me?

And all this to say - I'm scared.  Mo is home, safe with me.  "Nothing to be scared of", you say.  "Think positively", you say (must I point out that you are not the most positive thinker? - strange that under the circumstances you should suggest that I "think positively").  But - I AM scared.  Obviously, I AM scared or I wouldn't be having the dreams that I have been having.  I am scared because I love Mo the way I love Max.  Completely, entirely, with my whole soul - I love this boy and HIS LIFE COUNTS....just like his brother's did....whether you want to talk about it or not.


Andrea said...

With all the stupid crap people talk about all the time you would think someone would be able to mention your sweet baby. I've never lost a child but have a friend who has and cannot fathom ever seeing her without talking about her son. I remember sitting for hours one weekend just listening to her say the same things over and over again. There was nothing I could say to fix it so I listened. If people don't know what to say then shut up, and listen! I have a hard time caring about people's trivial problems anyway and for you, I imagine it is only magnified a million times over. I am guessing there are many strangers like me out there who do not comment often but think about you and your Max daily. I still haven't figured out why I have taken a liking to you and your beautiful boys but something about you resonates with me. You may not feel heard by those around you, but there may be many quiet readers like myself listening and caring about you from afar. I hope in some way these silly words help. I guess I'm just trying to say, hang in there, because lots of people care about you. More than you probably know. a side note, a few times while reading your blog my family members have caught a glimpse of Maxie and said, "who is that baby? He sure is cute." Now I think that deserves a :):). (even though you hate them)

Laura said...

This sounds so so horrific. I'm so sorry, Abby.

Kira said...

Abby i keep tellinh myself people just dont and will never understand. I have also thought that its a conspiracy because I just dont understand how can there be no answer. I was home with my baby but still nothing makes sense. Im sorry my friend, I do understand the horrific pain, the nightmares not been able to breath. We love and think of both of your boys.

Susan said...

I think the lack of logic might be in your argument too. The thing is, despite all the wonders and wealth of the modern world, we can't stop children dying. The conspiracy - if there is one - is pretending that science always win through... that we can always cure people... We had the opposite experience in that we understand precisely why Catherine died - but she died - MY DAUGHTER DIED - in a hospital surrounded by a medical team desperate to save her, and they couldn't. But people like the fantasy that medics can save you, and that the world is safe - so when I decided to birth M at home, so many people were horrified that I wouldn't want to be in a hospital where I would be safe if something went wrong. And they never could understand how rediculous that sounded to me either.

I don't think people think Maxie or Catherine were unimportant - Western world babies are certainly more important than the thousands of poor children who will die today for want of basic stuff, like food and adeuqate sanitation. I think we put huge resource into ensuring British/American children don't die. However, once they do - I think there is a shared "game over" approach amongst other people. Other people then need to start discounting their deaths - so, they were rare or unlikely or will never happen again - because children is dying is scary, and no one wants to dwell on it. It is too unpalatable.

I do relate to what you're saying. When my boyfriend killed himself, I had PTSD. For month afterwards, I was hypervigilant - very unplesant to be in a state of continual huge anxiety. If I left the house, I would need to check every room when I came back. It seemed perfectly plausible that someone may have killed themselves there whilst I was out, and that I would find a body - after all that was what had happened before. I was anxious in the car, incase someone jumped in front of it, and would scan tall building in case someone was about to leap off. I was terrified. It was all very real to me.

The thing is - whilst it was possible that all these things would happen, they were unlikely. Eventually, after about a year, my symptons subsidised, and I was no longer terrified of something awful happening. It wasnt any less likely, but at least I wasn't worrying about. When M was born, I was also terrified she would die too. I was constantly checking her - however, having had the experience of intense anxiety before, I was reassured that as I started to find that she was ok whenever I checked her, eventually I would begin to believe she would live, and the fear would subside. Now she is 14 months, I think I am still more anxious that I was with Catherine at that age, but tbh, I am pretty good.

I'm sorry about your dream. It sounds terrifiying. I don't think people can diagnose others on the basis of their blogs, so please don't think I'm implying that .... but I wonder if you would benefit from seeing a clincial psychologist to assess your anxiety levels and consider whether you're suffering from PTSD or another anxiety disorder. We are both grieving - and we know that you can't "fix" grief - but anxiety issues are very responsive to treatment, and lets face it - we deserve and need all the help we can get.

Big hug to you - keep going. Mo is a beautiful boy, just like his brother. I love his bath pics xx

maxiesmommy said...

At Maxie's shiva, someone said to us "children die in Israel every day." which has been the general attitude of some in our circles. Also, I too have lost faith in the medical field but perhaps it would help them not to lose samples! And lastly, I was diagnosed with PTSD ages ago. It causes the nightmares, the flashbacks and the general sense of never wanting to leave my house.

Susan said...

I'm sorry - PTSD is horrible. I always found wine was good at supressing the symptons - but I think you are bf-ing... though the odd glass won't hurt. My recollection is that there are a range of treatment options - I never got them, as by the time, I was together enough to get it formerly diagnosed, 7 or 8 monhts after my bf's death, my symptons were already subsiding. I hope your medical care is more organised! xx