I dreamt about Max last night...well, not exactly about him.  I dreamt that I was crying and trying to tell people how much I missed him and they kept ignoring me and talking about other things.  I was screaming - "I miss him!  I miss him!" and they just looked past me, never hearing me at all.  It was painful.  And somehow, I sensed his presence with me....I didn't see him, but I could feel his essence...all of that which was Max.  I miss him and it is infuriating to me that language is inadequate to explain all of my emotions and experiences.  Missing doesn't cut it.  And there is a special feeling I had with Max...a special feeling I can sometime conjure up to feel close to him again.  Usually I can't do it and the only feeling that makes me feel close to Max is grief.

I miss him.  I miss him desperately, like I can't wait one more minute to be with him again.  Like I have butterflies in my stomach with the anticipation of seeing him again.  Only, I won't see him again and I just have to live forever with this nervous, anxious desperation.  And I have another baby and he is delicious and he smells good and has his own sweet essence, but it is different than Max.  While I was playing with Mo the other day in the babies' room, I opened up the ziplock bag with the shirt Max wore the day of his incident and smelled it.  It still smells like him.  I have been wondering if perhaps all babies smell the same, but Maxie smelled different than Mo.  I miss Maxie's smell.  I miss everything about him.

I miss his long eyelashes, his perfect lips, his adorable dimple.  I miss that his ears stuck out and that he smiled so much.  The list of things I miss are endless.  I miss feeling the bliss of finally having the family that I always wanted, swaying in a group hug with my husband and my lovely Max to Kermit the Frog's "Rainbow Connection" and knowing that this is what I waited my whole life for.  I miss knowing what happiness is.  I miss Max and missing doesn't even begin to explain it.

Ted played this for Max over and over in the hospital.  I wish he had heard!  I wish he had remembered our group hugs in the livingroom and realized he couldn't be without us.  I wish he had turned around when he saw the bright light and come back to us.  Why didn't he come back to us?  What could it mean?  We're forever broken hearted...forever without Max.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me. 


Tamar said...

I hear you Abby. "Missing" can't possibly express your incredible feelings of loss and love for Max. Words also fail me when I think of your beautiful family in that group hug. I'm so so sorry and Maxie will always be remembered and missed for the beautiful boy that he was.

Daph said...

I am so sorry that you have to live the rest of your lives missing maxie.
My favorite version of the rainbow connection song is from jason mraz.
With love.