I am forty today and, believe it or not, I have been looking forward to this birthday. I am fine with getting older. In fact - kind of happy about it. 

I can't believe how lucky I am to be in paradise, with a group of people who I love, celebrating life. We've been smiling and laughing and I just wouldn't have been able to imagine any of this two years ago. I never thought I'd smile again. And here is the kicker - I'm happy. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that for the most part - I am.

But I woke up in the middle of the night with the most profound sense of missing. I miss him. SO MUCH. And I hate myself for being happy. I really hate myself. Because I love him so much and he isn't here and everything we are doing with Mo is what I dreamed of doing with Max. It just feels WRONG.  I can't believe I fell back asleep - I was hating myself so much....for feeling happy.

So, that's where I am today. Happy. And feeling so sad about that.  And 40. 


Bianca said...

Happy birthday and sending lots of love!!! xoxo

Leslie K. said...

Happy, happy birthday dear amazing cousin.

Anonymous said...

I strongly believe that your beautiful Max looks down on you every single day and is always happiest when his beautiful mama is smiling and happy. He knows he is on your mind all hours of every day.