Post vacation hangover blues

I really won't be writing every day anymore.  Or, at least, I don't want to feel like I have to write if I don't want to.

But, today, I feel like I have something going on that is too huge to ignore.  It's the post-vacation hangover blues.  I've suffered from it my whole life but it is SO MUCH worse now.  I'm sure you've had it too - when you wait for and look forward to that vacation or special event for so long and then it's over.  It's a combination of things - nothing to look forward to, the grind of daily life, the absence of celebration.  I don't know.  I've been able to somewhat escape myself for the last month or so, but here I am again - same old grieving mom - same old feeling of "not sure how I am going to get through all of this".

And, there is something else - for the last month, I've been surrounded by people who know and support us - from Maxie's Benefit, to a weekend with my college girlfriends, to our vacation to Costa Rica - I haven't had to worry about meeting new people and trying to explain myself.  I haven't had to really worry about being understood.  Usually, I am pretending to be "normal" when I know that I am anything but.  Having to face regular people in regular life again is daunting.

All of this to say that yesterday and today, there has been this dark cloud hanging over my head.  It is so so heavy and I can feel it just hanging there.  I am cowering underneath it, hoping that if I can get low enough, it won't touch me.  I keep pushing all of this pain deeper and deeper inside of myself and it is eating me alive.  I wish I could just escape again.  Maybe there is someplace I could run where I would be untouchable....where I could stop being me.

But people keep reminding me that "Wherever you go - there you are" - there is no escape.  I am doomed to a life of being me.


Em said...

Like the tide, our grief flows in, and flows out again. Cliché I know and I'm sure you've heard it before. But sometimes I am helped by being reminded that the tide will flow out again.
Sending hope and light, Em

Susan said...

(Slaps Abby hard)

Sorry - thought I would play good cop, bad cop with Em :)

You're not doomed to being you. Being you is a privilege. You are Maxie and Mo's mum. You are a beautiful person. Being you is great - it's just missing our children that is crap. The missing is part of us, but it is not all of us. It is not the life we planned, but it can still be a good life Abby.

Wish I could pull you out of the pit - I know it is hard to see when you're down, but as time goes on, and we get better at coping, I think we do bounce quicker out of the lows. Huge hug to you xx