The other night I was talking to Ted about my blog.  I was saying that the blog is many things to me, but most importantly, it is a space to remember Max. "You should write more about him then.", he said.  "What else is there to write?", I said.  "I've already shared most of my memories and the rest of them are drying up".....which is the most horrific part of it all.  There are things that I can't remember as well and I think that is just going to get worse as time moves on.  Ted isn't the first one to say this. 

I used to get emails all of the time saying, "Post more photos and stories of Max".  I'm not sure where I lost everyone.  I don't have more photos and stories.  My memories of Max are limited. I can only tell you all so many times how happy he was, how I loved carrying him around in the Baby Bjorn, how he babbled whenever he woke up in the morning or from a nap, and how he always smiled when we came into his room to get him. I also only have so many photos - nine and a half months worth. I wish I had taken more, but I didn't know he was going to stop breathing at daycare and leave our lives forever. I can't write more because there aren't more memories to write.  I can't write about who he was other than to say, he was very special and loved.  He wasn't old enough to tell me his hopes and dreams. He never told me which friends he liked best or how much he loved me. He never said one word.  You see, and I know you must know this, I don't have anymore photos or memories because I only had him for nine and a half months.

That's the point - this blog in many ways is about what we don't have, what he will never have. When I write "about Max" it is often abstract.  It to say that what I have of him now are a few memories and a huge void.  My hope is that despite that, you can understand how special he was by listening to us tell you what a gigantic hole he left in our hearts.  The point is - I don't have the luxury that most parents have to post new photos and funny stories everyday. I am just hoping that you will trust me enough to know that he was cute, and funny, and easy going, and delicious and that he was our everything. Honestly, I would love to post new stories and photos, but if I had those, it would be because I had Max and then I wouldn't even need this blog.

It's true that even to me, my blog seems pretty narcissistic.  A long list of ways that my life is hard - all connected to the loss of my child.  But, this is all I have.  This is all I can share with you.  This is what connects me to Max....and I hate it.


Tamar said...

I believe that you writing about what your life is like since Max left this world is connected to Max and who he is and was. The gift you give to those of us in reading your blog is in some small way, connecting us with your love for him, which in turn connects us more to him. Please write whatever comes from your heart, whatever you need to say here - even if it's not "directly" about Max. And please know that even if you repeat memories, stories, and photos, we will always welcome these small pieces of feeling connected to your boy. xo

Anonymous said...

I am sitting at my desk at work crying over this entry. I am not sure why certain of your entries wrench at my heart more than others but this one certainly did just that. I am so sorry for you and your family. Its' so unfair that you don't have more time with Max. I wish with all my heart that this was not your story and that you had your Maxie with you where he should be and that you had no reason to write this blog.

You do a beautiful job of conveying how special and loved your Max is. I am a total stranger and I've been reading your blog every day since the beginning. He is a beautiful boy and you are an extremely talented writer. Thank you for sharing Max with us in this way, and thank you for sharing your journey of grief with us as well. It takes a ton of guts.


Rachael Petru Horowitz said...

Dear Abby, in its very essence, your blog reflects who Max was and who Max should have grown to become. Sharing with the world who you are and the lens through which you and Ted experience life gives insight into Max and Mo. The idea that this blog is narcissistic or simply a platform where you air your grievances about the hand you've been so tragically and unfairly dealt...this doesn't sit well with me. Your blog is a resource for anyone who reads it - a resource for learning empathy, grappling with uncertainty and terrible pain, celebrating life's little and big gifts. Whether or not you are "writing about Max," reading your writing always causes me to pause and remember the life and smile and light of a precious little boy.

robyn said...

I am so glad that I got to meet Maxie. He was exactly as you describe...sweet, happy, always smiling. i am sorry that 9 1/2 months of time is all you got with him...all any of us got the share with your sweet sweet boy. i am thankful though that you choose to share your memories and stories with us here. xoxo.

Taryn said...

Max is such a radiant soul. I LOVE when you talk about him! I think about him often because of what you have shared with us! His light shines into my life, and I am so grateful you are willing to share him with us.

I think Tamar said it so perfectly, and I full-heartedly agree!