Limited

The other night I was talking to Ted about my blog.  I was saying that the blog is many things to me, but most importantly, it is a space to remember Max. "You should write more about him then.", he said.  "What else is there to write?", I said.  "I've already shared most of my memories and the rest of them are drying up".....which is the most horrific part of it all.  There are things that I can't remember as well and I think that is just going to get worse as time moves on.  Ted isn't the first one to say this. 

I used to get emails all of the time saying, "Post more photos and stories of Max".  I'm not sure where I lost everyone.  I don't have more photos and stories.  My memories of Max are limited. I can only tell you all so many times how happy he was, how I loved carrying him around in the Baby Bjorn, how he babbled whenever he woke up in the morning or from a nap, and how he always smiled when we came into his room to get him. I also only have so many photos - nine and a half months worth. I wish I had taken more, but I didn't know he was going to stop breathing at daycare and leave our lives forever. I can't write more because there aren't more memories to write.  I can't write about who he was other than to say, he was very special and loved.  He wasn't old enough to tell me his hopes and dreams. He never told me which friends he liked best or how much he loved me. He never said one word.  You see, and I know you must know this, I don't have anymore photos or memories because I only had him for nine and a half months.

That's the point - this blog in many ways is about what we don't have, what he will never have. When I write "about Max" it is often abstract.  It to say that what I have of him now are a few memories and a huge void.  My hope is that despite that, you can understand how special he was by listening to us tell you what a gigantic hole he left in our hearts.  The point is - I don't have the luxury that most parents have to post new photos and funny stories everyday. I am just hoping that you will trust me enough to know that he was cute, and funny, and easy going, and delicious and that he was our everything. Honestly, I would love to post new stories and photos, but if I had those, it would be because I had Max and then I wouldn't even need this blog.

It's true that even to me, my blog seems pretty narcissistic.  A long list of ways that my life is hard - all connected to the loss of my child.  But, this is all I have.  This is all I can share with you.  This is what connects me to Max....and I hate it.