No way out

A couple of mornings before Max stopped breathing.  I was out for a morning bike ride in Griffith Park. I had gone up into the hills and the chain came off my bike.  I really had never fixed my own chain before and didn't know what to do, but I knew I'd figure it out and be fine.  I pulled out my phone and found a video on youtube about how to fix the chain.  In less than five minutes, I was back on my bike and riding down the hill again.

Up until the morning we lost Max, everything in my life had been fixable. 

In the beginning I thought all of the time about how I would get myself out of this one.  How I could get back to the life I had, with my husband and brand new baby.  We had JUST started a family and we were so happy and so looking forward to our future.  And, just like that, he was gone.  Our family was no more.  I spent most of the day trying to figure out how could I get Max back. There had to be a way.  I discovered mediums and spiritual ideas about where the soul goes and have been trying to convince myself since then (still do) that Max is "somewhere" and that we will be together again.  The problem is that I want to be with him NOW and so I am caught between two worlds - the one where my last day on earth cannot come quick enough and the one where I have just started over again and am looking forward to seeing my Mo grow up and wondering who and what he will be.

I spend a LOT of time and energy trying to block out all of the negativity and grief from my thoughts because if I didn't work so hard, I'd just go be with Max, and I'd wait around for Mo and Ted to get there - because if I got there, I'd know there was a "there" there and that the two of them were coming.  As it is, I don't really know anything at all and it's the unknowing that kills me.  That, and the fact that there is no way out of this.  He will always be gone.  He will always be missing.  I will always have one child who died.  It's more than I can bear honestly.