A temporary peace
Thursday, February 27, 2014
If you are my Facebook friend, you already know that I am enjoying my favorite breakfast!
I made a conscious decision my first day here to forgive. There were people in this group who have added to my pain over the past couple of years by ignoring my loss, ignoring me, saying things that hurt me. But, I decided that to forgive on this trip would be easier than focusing on those feelings. I'm here, stuck on a bus for a week, with really long days. I want to enjoy it. Being angry keeps me stuck. Forgiving sets me free. It is a process. So, I told one of my former work buddies on our first night here that I forgave him, & that I know he did his best. I don't actually know that, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and I feel lighter.
Most of the people on this trip have no idea what my story is...and that is fine. What they are seeing is the surface, which looks a lot like my old self- joking around, hanging out with the late night crowd, and crashing weddings. I can't help but wonder what they'd think of me if they knew. But I really can't worry about it. I know what's in my heart.
Max is with me always. Even when it looks like I'm not thinking about him, I am. I miss him. I wish I could be like the other parents, showing off photos of my boys. Mostly I've just been avoiding the kids topic. It's ok. We will get there - or not. Regardless, I have found ways to achieve some temporary peace and it's getting me through. It can be done.