Trying

Saturday, February 8, 2014

After Mo was conceived, my family liked to say that Ted & I only had to look at each other to get pregnant.  Mo was my third pregnancy that happened on the first try.  Nevermind that my eldest child had died and my second pregnancy miscarried at eight weeks....at least we all knew I could get pregnant .

In the past year, I've probably taken 20-30 prematurely hopeful pregnancy tests. I've carefully monitored all of my cycles. I've spent hours lying on an acupuncture table with needles all over my body. I'm started to feel pretty hopeless.  Maybe Mo doesn't need a little brother or sister and perhaps it wouldn't hurt so bad if he didn't already have a big brother that he will never meet.  When Max was alive, I honestly felt fine with the idea that he could be our only.  I know I wanted 2-3 kids but wasn't going to fight Mother Nature if that's not what I was given.  I felt lucky to have had the one.  Now, I have some strange notion that I can keep moving forward and planning for the life I originally wanted but no matter how hard I try, I keep getting knocked down. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something (maybe? I can't even believe that a smidgen of me is still holding out hope).  I just really thought this was the month (as I do every month) and next month, I'll be in Israel while I'm ovulating, so there goes another month.  I'm about ready to throw in the towel.  It's just not happening. And I'm so tired of being sad about it.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Have you tried any infertility treatment? We are looking into ivf now. Never thought we will have to do this.

Anonymous said...

I was going to write, "don't give up!" but then I instantly thought of two of my friends who tried and tried and tried to get pregnant again and again and again. When they both finally realized, "okay, this isn't happening" and when they threw in the towel, they both got pregnant!! You hear those stories about people who could never get pregnant, then they adopted, then they got pregnant. Once the stress of it is let go, it can sometimes happen? I know this is easier said than done though. I bawled my eyes out and bought multiple self help books after only four months of trying for a baby!! I will be sending prayers to you!

Abby Leviss said...

Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

I also know multiple stories like the ones mentioned above ("giving up" = no stress = pregnant) but I also know from personal experience how hurtful it can be to hear that (because, well...you don't intentionally give up because it might help and you can't just stop stressing about it). But maybe the trip to Israel will give you a mental break in that department? Either way, I'm sending good energy your direction!

Susan said...

I'm not big on the "you must be stressed" idea, and therefore you only need to relax to fall pg :( I think it's more to do with our age and stuff like that... women get pregnant in war zones... I bet they're stressed as heck.

It took 6 months to get pg with M - and given they were the 6 months immeidately following C's death, I have to say it was the most miserable and stressed period ever. I think the thing which helped me most was finding a peer group or other 40-somethings all TTC. It was easing somehow to have such support and interest in my menstrual cycle - and somewhere to vent too. I've blogged about it before - http://susansobspot.blogspot.co.uk/2011/01/b-conceive-tales-from-snug.html I think if I was trying to conceive now, I would look to set up an ABC club (Ancient, Bereaved and ttC). xx

Chantel said...

I'm so sorry. I don't always know what to write in regards to Maxie. I've written and deleted more comments because I don't want to say (write) the wrong thing but I do know about infertility and negative pregnancy tests. They suck and I'm sorry. We were Foster parents for a while and I used to wonder how the people that were abusing/neglecting/losing their children could continue to have children and so many others that really wanted them couldn't. There really is no fairness to life, is there?

Abby Leviss said...

I think about that all of the time too. I'm thinking about fostering too. Maybe that will help me feel like I'm helping someone else. We've got lots of love to give.

robyn said...

abby, i am so sorry to hear this. i wish this was easier for you. i know how much you want to expand your family, so i will think good getting knocked up thoughts for you. xoxo.

Becca said...

Abby, I am also very interested in fostering. Have you read Instant Mom? It was recommended to me by a friend who did foster/adopt - it's a really positive (true) story about the whole process, and it's by Nia Vardalos (who wrote My Big Fat Greek Wedding), so it's funny too!

Abby Leviss said...

My nanny just recommended this book too! I'll have to read it! Thanks!

Rose said...

I've never been a fan of the "give up and it will happen" MO… I tried it for more than ten years about meeting a husband-- and it just seemed to be another way to blame myself because what I wanted so badly had not materialized… It shouldn't be, acceptance is a beautiful thing, but I always felt that way. I got pregnant the first time totally outside of the normal cycle (a few days after my period ended)-- so maybe next month is still an opportunity! Sending lots and lots of love to you all!

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