A new day

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Waking up this morning, pulling Mo into bed with us to watch Sesame Street - I feel much better. It just wasn't meant to be, but I am happy we took the risk. That baby girl would have been totally worth it. And though I'm still sad that it didn't work out - it's ok.  I really feel like I did everything I could to make it happen. I had and have the deepest empathy for this birthmother. I could tell from the moment we arrived that she was unsure about placing her child for adoption.  Yesterday her mother said on my blog that it was because she didn't like me - and that's ok. Who would want to give their child to someone they didn't like?  I'm an adult and I realize not everyone is going to like me. But, I did my best and remained truthful every step of the way - expressing my feelings of love for that child and the vulnerability I have having lost a child. It seems that baby was meant to stay with her mamma and Ted and I are meant to grow our family in a different way - or not.  Yesterday was hard. I'd been up all night for two nights with a newborn, which every parent knows can take a toll (even though I loved it - I really did - she is so sweet). I was emotional and so disappointed and sad. But this morning I feel ready to move forward. Hanging with Mo and and Ted lifts my heart. 

I have to thank my parents so much for being so supportive. My dad really believed in this experience and helped us make it happen. He was one of my biggest cheerleaders.  My mom was a total trooper - coming to Georgia, staying in a different hotel every night, eating boatloads of fried comfort food with me, and going through all of the ups and downs. She loved that baby right away too and I know she feels a loss like I do. I couldn't have done that week without her. I'm so grateful she was there. Ted and his family were also there with us emotionally every step of the way. Everyone was so excited about the idea of this special little girl joining our family. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive family. Thank you all for your unconditional support and love! 

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to read you are feeling better. It sounds like for many reasons it wasn't meant to be. One of the most difficult things in the world about adoption that no one talks about is pride and ego. You're pregnant, you maybe haven't been a shining beacon of parenthood to your other children, you know your child would have a better chance in life with a family that is stable. A family that is educated and values education. A family who raises their children with the care and reverence they deserve. A family who can provide in a financially unsettled world.

So as someone who watches my sister in law's work in an adoption agency, it is an all too common story that when it comes down to the moment of truth, it can be a huge blow to a person's pride, ego, and sense of self to hand over a baby. I've heard stories from prospective adoptive parents being accused of "thinking they are better than me" from birth mothers. Or mothers who view the new baby as a second chance to correct past mothering mistakes.

My point is, please do not take the "She didn't like you or trust you" comment to heart. In reality it probably had very little to nothing at all to do with you. It was an unneccessarily cruel jab. A result of wounded pride and ego. I wish you all good things going forward, you deserve them so very very much.

Taryn said...

What a hard situation all around! You gave sweet baby your heart, and there's no greater gift you could have given! I hope peace follows what has been a heartbreaking experience.

Greg Heller said...

Glad you are home and with Ted & Mo. I had my fingers crossed for you - you would have loved that baby for eternity - but I know there's another Baby M in the future.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. Sounded like an emotional roller-coaster which nobody, especially you, should have to experience. Glad you're feeling better.

DP

Abby Leviss said...

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. It is such a vulnerable time for a birthmom. Probably the most selfless and difficult thing a woman could ever do. My heart hurt for her and all other women going through this and I know that I could be seen as the enemy. I think that is part of why I didn't attach to baby girl right away - I really didn't feel like it was my right and I was waiting to her from her mother that it was ok. For a myriad of reasons, I am sure, it was clear to me from the beginning that it wasn't ok with her. I don't really take that part personally. I am also ok with her maybe just not liking me or distrusting me. But I did go all the way there with the best intentions and I would do it all over again if I could. Xoxo

Abby Leviss said...

Love you DEEEEPS!!!

Abby Leviss said...

Thank you for all of your support my friend. I know how much you were pulling for us.

Abby Leviss said...

We will get there and I hope they will too. Definitely hard all around. Thank you.

Nelle Niles said...

Abby, I am so sad about this for you, Ted and Mo. How could anyone not like you? I could say a lot of things about "anonymous" starting with the grammar and the spelling, but I won't. Please know that you have so many people who love you! The right thing will come along, I'm sure of it. Much love.

Molly Renshaw said...

I'm so sorry Abby. I really respect you taking the high road. I am so mad about these people. Sorry to let it fly in my previous comment. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Love you

Egreeno said...

I'm with Greg, I know there is a baby, and I still think it will be a baby girl, who will be joining your family. I'm so sad that this wasn't the match but I'm amazed at your resilience and perspective. Love you so much!

Abby Leviss said...

Thank you Nelle!

Anonymous said...

Abby, I am so, so sorry that this has happened. But I truly, truly believe and agree with you that it sounds like this situation was not meant to be. And I also believe in my heart that another baby will become part of your family one day. That baby girl was so lucky to have had you holding her and giving her love when she needed it. I will be praying for her.

sidesaddle kitchen said...

I'm so impressed with your empathy for the birth mother and your strength all around! Happy you're home with Ted and Mo!

Jayden's Mommy said...

Glad you are home. I also strongly believe there is another baby in the way. Xoxo

vivgrossman said...

Love you Ab - my heart is with your heart - and know that you are surrounded by so many people who love and only want the best for you, Mo and Ted.
Your courage to be so open, honest and raw is so amazing to me. I'm so very sorry you had to go through this - glad you're home, safe and sound now. sending you tons of love....

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

You know better than anyone that we have less control over things in our lives than we would like to believe. We can do all the right things and still not get the outcome that we expected. I'm sorry that the baby girl adoption didn't work out the way you had hoped. Your attitude is quite resilient and realistic, and that should make you feel proud of yourself.

Rebecca said...

That whole situation just bites ass. That's about all I can come up with. I'm sorry.

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