The story of my life

There are times when I wish I could just leap forward in the story of my life to see how it ends- and not just the FINAL chapter, but all of the chapters that come between now and then.

When I was single, I think I would have enjoyed myself a whole lot more if someone could have just said to me - "Hey, the right guy is showing up at the end of your 32nd year, chill out".  I didn't really care when he was going to show up, I just wanted to know he would.

Today, I want to KNOW if we will ever have another child - I don't need to know the details: whether it is a girl or a boy, adopted or biological - I just want to know if it happens.  I feel like it could save me a lot of grief.  I am 40 years old - how much more effort am I going to put into this pursuit?  Also, failed adoption and fertility treatments aren't free.  They cost just as much as the successful ones do.  We aren't exactly swimming in cash over here.

And, of course, EVERY SINGLE DAY, I wish I could just know whether Max was waiting for me somewhere.  If I KNEW he would be there at the end of this crazy life of mine, I think I could handle all of the ups and downs a whole lot better.  I fantasize daily about our reunion - being able to hold him and kiss him again.  Anything less than that is nothing.

I keep hoping an awesome patch is up ahead - filled with happiness and success.  I feel like I keep trying to move forward and be all strong and set goals for our family that will heal us and make us stronger and that everything I do just makes things worse. I think the time is coming to just put it all to rest.  I really, really don't want to be a victim but I keep setting myself up for failure.  What will be will be.  No reason to think I can change this story at all.  But what I wouldn't give for just a teeny tiny peak at the end.


Anonymous said...

Abby, I am so sorry you are going through this. I was unable to conceive and my husband and I went through the adoption process. We supported and got attached to a young woman who changed her mind the week she was due, after she had taken thousands of dollars from us. It was agonizing. There were red flags, we were cautious, we had a great attorney here in Los didn't stop it from hurting any less. A few months later, we were connected with another woman. While we still had fears and no guarantees, it just felt completely different. We figured out that she conceived on the same week that the other birth mother backed out on us. The second adoption was a success, and we are crazy-in-love with our 3 1/2 year old. We had to take an adoption class with a number of other couples in order to be approved by the state. There were 5 couples, and we are all smart, cautious professionals. We all had one bad experience with a birthmom who backed out before the perfect birthmom/baby came along. I don't want to post personal information here, but I will share more info with you privately if you would like. Nothing is fair about what you are going through and what you have gone through, but I do firmly believe that if you want another baby and want to do adoption, you WILL get a placement. I no NOBODY who has gone through adoption (and I know a LOT of people) who didn't end up with the baby or babies perfect for them.

Anonymous said...

And I can't believe I spelled "know" as "no." I "know" better! I promise I am not some idiot!

Abby Leviss said...

I would love to talk to you privately. Thank you for sharing and for be willing to talk. Email me teddyabby at gmail dot com xoxo

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for a long time and am so sorry to read about the failed adoption. One thing seemed really off to me - the comment that the "grandmother" posted on your blog - are you sure it was really from her? It just seemed so cruel - my immediate reaction is that it must have been from someone impersonating the mother. I know that doesn't really change anything, but I wondered. Your journey has inspired me and I am rooting for you all the way.

Anonymous said...

We were at the end of our rope too and money was pretty depleted (our first situation failed, and we had lost about $7K on it). But there is always a way. if you want to try adoption again, don't let fear hold you back. I almost did. I was about 1 week away from throwing in the towel and thinking that my husband and I were meant to be alone. But as soon as I just "let it go" twin girls came into our lives. I can't imagine if i had given up. who would have these girls? because they feel like they are my dna...they fit so perfectly in our family.