I keep going over my experience in Georgia - over and over. It's like my brain is stuck on a loop. I keep wondering if there was something I could have done differently. Since Ted wasn't there - I know he wonders that too. I feel like I let him down - and that really kills me.  I was given a lot of advice about trying to connect to the birthmom, something I had really hoped to do. I really wanted us to know each other and for her to trust me.  I felt connected to her immediately because she was carrying the child that I believed would be mine....and because although my experience of loss was much different than what hers would be - I still know what it is like to be separated from your own child forever.  In fact, because of my experience of losing Max, I think I was particularly sympathetic to her potential loss. I vowed that I would have her in our life moving forward as much or as little as she desired.

Before leaving for Georgia, I tried calling and texting nearly every day but my calls and texts were mostly left unanswered. I put myself in her shoes and thought, "maybe she just wants this over with. Maybe she doesn't want to know the woman who is going to take her child away from her." I could fully understand that too - I didn't want to push it.

We met for the first time in the hospital. I saw her and thought "This is the most courageous and selfless woman. She is a complete angel to us even though all she feels right now is dread and discomfort." I've given birth twice. The hours leading up to birth are agonizing. They are scary and uncomfortable. I told her that I knew how hard these last excruciating hours were from a physical standpoint. She mostly ignored me. I didn't blame her. Truly. The last thing on earth I'd want to do before giving birth is make a new friend. 

Her mother said in the comment she left on my post the other day that she never liked or trusted me. As far as liking me - what can I say? I was just being myself and if she didn't like me, that's ok. As far as trusting me - I'm not sure what there was not to trust. If she was distrustful because she thought I flew all the way to Atlanta and then drove another two hours with my mother so that we could come get her baby - she was right. But I was always aware of her feelings. I was always careful not to push myself on her. I'm not sure what kind of bad intentions I could have possibly had. My only intention was to bring home a baby for Ted, Mo and our families to love.  She told me she wanted to give her baby a better life - I wanted that too. Trust me.

It was an emotional rollercoaster as the family kept changing their mind, sometimes several times a day, for five days. I was missing Mo a lot and frankly, the experience was full of triggers - delivery rooms, newborn babies, hospitals, happy families, jaundiced baby and then eventually leaving a hospital with no baby and an empty car seat. 

My mom (and later Ted) kept reminding me that this baby lives - it isn't the same as Max. And it is isn't. It doesn't come close. But without having been there himself, I know Ted wonders what I could have done differently. I know this is devastating for him - because he told me and because it is for me too.  The future seemed so full of promise and even though everyone keeps telling me to let the dust settle - I just don't see where to go from here. We'd have to start saving again if we wanted to continue pursuing adoption and then again there would be no guarantees that this wouldn't happen again. I don't know how I could go through this again honestly. I feel shaken to the core - completely exposed and raw.  I can't imagine the circumstances that would put me at ease.  The uncertainty of the whole experience and then having to leave that sweet baby girl behind was just too hard.

I guess I just need to put the whole pursuit on hold for a while. I already have the very best kid I could ever ask for. If he is all we ever have - then he is all we will ever need. 


Chantel said...

Does your agency only do pre-birth matches? Ours did. They are hard. I, like you poured my heart and soul into our matches and both losses were devastating. I had a few friends at agencies that would not match until after the birth and a couple that never even knew about the baby until the revocation periods were over. There are also states with shorter times periods than 30 days. I wish I could be more helpful. I only know about the failed part of adoption. We never had one go through. I'm so sorry for this roller coaster you are on. We struggled with infertility, tried to adopt, had foster kids, and have biological kids. Someone once asked me which route to growing my family was the hardest. I finally decided that they all were. Each one was different but they were all hard and none of their challenges even compare to one another and nothing compares with losing your Maxie. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for all of it.

Bianca said...

I don't think you could have done anything different that would have impacted the outcome of this heartbreaking Georgia trip. It sounds like this woman was ambivalent from the start and it wasn't meant to be. I am so sorry for all the pain this has caused, it is mindblowingly unfair that your family should experience any more loss. I also believe that there is another baby M in the future, another sibling for the two perfect baby M's in your family.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Sorry. It's pretty mess up. I do believe as well that you will have baby M #3 in the near future.

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking about you a lot and this experience you have gone through. I am so sorry. I know (I know!) that something good is coming your way. I just have such a strong feeling about it. By chance, I came upon this blog just last week. I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you: http://saraparkerblog.com/worth-the-wait-our-son-and-our-story/

Karen said...

Wow. I really do not know what to say since reading the grandmother's comments.

I am just so sorry for you. I am sure it isn't anything you did but instead, the gravity of the decision and the instability of this family.

I hope you find happiness however you see fit. You certainly have been through so much and deserve to just be happy. I pray for the baby...and hope she is loved and wanted.

Yael said...

Abby - I don't believe for one second that you could have done anything differently that would have made a difference. You are incredible and went there with an open heart and full of love. The comments left were horrendous and it was meant to hurt you and nothing more. Any child is lucky to have you and Ted in their life. Im sorry for all this pain.

Joelle said...

Hi, I just saw your comment on Spohr's website, and had to come to your blog to read about your adoption that failed. our situations are pretty identical...4 years ago, we had a failed adoption and something was never quite right about it. i had a blog at the time as well. as soon as we got to utah for the birth of our baby boy, it was "off." I tried to believe, but the BM did the same things. didn't want to see anyone, wouldn't give us any details, wouldn't let me hold the baby (she asked us to go get her a big mac). finally she ended up keeping the baby boy. We caught the red-eye that night back to the east coast, and tried to move on. The BM also said she never liked us...that I lied about her on our blog. It really hurt, because we are the most down to earth people, and we "gave" her so much...$$, emotional support, phone calls, whatever. it took awhile to move on, but we knew that baby boy was never ours. Fast forward a year, and we embarked on adoption again. this time being more more picky. If the BM didn't feel right to us, we skipped the situation and waited (very hard to do, but we had to protect ourselves a little more). after a couple of months, we welcomed home twin baby girls! If that boy had come into our lives, these girls never would have. EVERYTHING about them felt right from the beginning. they look identical to my husband, one of the twins has my personality (to a fault). I still check in on that other BM from time to time (she has a ridiculous blog and she still brings us up from sometimes). Anyway...your baby is out there. I hate saying it was meant to be when you feel pain, but hang in there. It's coming!

Abby Leviss said...

Thank you! I can't stop thinking about that baby girl - even though it's become pretty clear that she was never going to be placed for adoption. The truth is that I can't imagine that adoption is still a possibility for us but I'm holding on to a little hope.