Wednesday, May 7, 2014
I keep going over my experience in Georgia - over and over. It's like my brain is stuck on a loop. I keep wondering if there was something I could have done differently. Since Ted wasn't there - I know he wonders that too. I feel like I let him down - and that really kills me. I was given a lot of advice about trying to connect to the birthmom, something I had really hoped to do. I really wanted us to know each other and for her to trust me. I felt connected to her immediately because she was carrying the child that I believed would be mine....and because although my experience of loss was much different than what hers would be - I still know what it is like to be separated from your own child forever. In fact, because of my experience of losing Max, I think I was particularly sympathetic to her potential loss. I vowed that I would have her in our life moving forward as much or as little as she desired.
Before leaving for Georgia, I tried calling and texting nearly every day but my calls and texts were mostly left unanswered. I put myself in her shoes and thought, "maybe she just wants this over with. Maybe she doesn't want to know the woman who is going to take her child away from her." I could fully understand that too - I didn't want to push it.
We met for the first time in the hospital. I saw her and thought "This is the most courageous and selfless woman. She is a complete angel to us even though all she feels right now is dread and discomfort." I've given birth twice. The hours leading up to birth are agonizing. They are scary and uncomfortable. I told her that I knew how hard these last excruciating hours were from a physical standpoint. She mostly ignored me. I didn't blame her. Truly. The last thing on earth I'd want to do before giving birth is make a new friend.
Her mother said in the comment she left on my post the other day that she never liked or trusted me. As far as liking me - what can I say? I was just being myself and if she didn't like me, that's ok. As far as trusting me - I'm not sure what there was not to trust. If she was distrustful because she thought I flew all the way to Atlanta and then drove another two hours with my mother so that we could come get her baby - she was right. But I was always aware of her feelings. I was always careful not to push myself on her. I'm not sure what kind of bad intentions I could have possibly had. My only intention was to bring home a baby for Ted, Mo and our families to love. She told me she wanted to give her baby a better life - I wanted that too. Trust me.
It was an emotional rollercoaster as the family kept changing their mind, sometimes several times a day, for five days. I was missing Mo a lot and frankly, the experience was full of triggers - delivery rooms, newborn babies, hospitals, happy families, jaundiced baby and then eventually leaving a hospital with no baby and an empty car seat.
My mom (and later Ted) kept reminding me that this baby lives - it isn't the same as Max. And it is isn't. It doesn't come close. But without having been there himself, I know Ted wonders what I could have done differently. I know this is devastating for him - because he told me and because it is for me too. The future seemed so full of promise and even though everyone keeps telling me to let the dust settle - I just don't see where to go from here. We'd have to start saving again if we wanted to continue pursuing adoption and then again there would be no guarantees that this wouldn't happen again. I don't know how I could go through this again honestly. I feel shaken to the core - completely exposed and raw. I can't imagine the circumstances that would put me at ease. The uncertainty of the whole experience and then having to leave that sweet baby girl behind was just too hard.
I guess I just need to put the whole pursuit on hold for a while. I already have the very best kid I could ever ask for. If he is all we ever have - then he is all we will ever need.