I am bracing myself, just getting through each day as best as possible. I have enough experience with pain to know that even the sharpest pain numbs a little over time. I know this pain will fade. At some point, this experience will just be that - an experience. I can't imagine any pain can ever permanently imprint on me again.

Still, today, right now, I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there for a few months. I feel incredibly vulnerable and actually kind of stupid. My desperate desire for another baby must be written all over my face. I really had no tools on this trip to help me cope with the situation. The only tool I had was my gut, telling me that this baby might not be ours, but everyone kept telling me otherwise and so I trusted them. I guess I just wanted her too much. One thing I'm glad about is that I waited so long to give her my heart. I also never thought she was mine. I fantasized about her becoming mine but I never really let myself think of her that way. I think that will help me move on quicker. Still, if they called me today to come get her, I'd be on the next plane. 

Time will help. Each passing day is like a painkiller for my soul. Give me a few weeks - I'll be fine.


Ronja said...

So so sorry.

Seeing Each Day said...

Abby, I'm truly sorry that what you and Ted hoped would turn out differently has had this outcome. Although I understand what you're saying, please try not to feel stupid, that's not the case at all, yes, you have put yourself in a vulnerable position, but I can't see that there's any other choice not to be vulnerable when going through the process of adoption, any person adopting has to start investing their heart, and heart and vulnerability are linked. Again, I'm really sorry, Renee.

Taryn said...

Got you in my thoughts and prayers!