We were all feeling lousy yesterday. Last week Mo was sick and must have passed it on to me and then I passed it on to Ted and possibly back to Mo. I was sick from Saturday night - this morning. Ted got sick Sunday night, and Mo just puked a little yesterday. Ugh. Overwhelming grief and a stomach bug are a terrible combination.
Thank you for the emails, and texts and sweet comments and Facebook "likes". Even though I still feel like "liking" isn't quite the right sentiment for the occasion, I know that FB doesn't give you much of
an option if you don't feel like writing something. All that to say,
I do appreciate the intention.
I'm feeling really sad. Really, really sad. And, to be honest, I don't even really feel like sharing. I feel all shared out.
Happy Third Birthday
Monday, October 7, 2013
I wish more than anything that I had a three year old today. I wish more than anything that that three year old was you. Every day that I am without you, I miss you more and more. The day you came in to my life, you lit it up brighter than I had ever seen. I never knew that I could be so happy and love another person that much. The day you left my life, my life as I knew it ended. I spend hours every day thinking about how we will be together again one day and giving myself pep talks to get through all that lies ahead without you. I hope you know how much we love you. I hope you know that we are never ever not thinking about you. We carry your heart in our hearts.....forever.
Happy Birthday Little Monkey. I love you to the moon and beyond and back a thousand times.
Happy Birthday Little Monkey. I love you to the moon and beyond and back a thousand times.
The hardest job
Saturday, October 5, 2013
People always say that parenting is the hardest job they've ever done.
I agree it ain't easy. You are responsible for the life of another human being. The little ones can't communicate exactly what they want, which can be frustrating. Sometimes they get sick, and that can be really scary. Your own needs get swept aside sometimes (like sleep), which can be, um, tiring. But, overall - being a parent isn't the hardest job I've ever done. It just isn't. Sorry folks.
The hardest job I've had was my last one - as a regional director of a non-profit. Managing a board of individuals - all of whom were major donors to the organization, all with huge personalities and varying visions of our goals - keeping them happy and trying to stay on their good side every day. I loved the job - but, I was up all night thinking about every word I had written and every conversation I'd had. The reward in that job was in making those people happy and knowing that the big picture was the work we were doing as an organization. Oh ya - and getting paid for it.
Losing Max has been BY FAR the hardest thing I have ever gone through - BY FAR. But, the job of taking care of him.....and I feel like a traitor to parents around the world by saying this.....it just wasn't THAT hard. Neither is taking care of Mo. I mean, YES, there are days where I cannot wait for baby bed time so that I can spend a few minutes reading or writing a message to a friend. But, the actual parenting part - I don't know - it IS hard - just not the hardest thing I've ever done. I've never had more than one child at a time - so I think that will change things DRAMATICALLY if we are ever so lucky as to have another child (or two). I know I will look back on this post and laugh out loud at myself. I also work full time from home and have part time help. Again, it IS hard. I know this. It just isn't the hardest.
And, the difference between the job of parenting and any other job is the reward - you put in ALL of this effort - endless sleepless nights, nursing and pumping (and pumping, and pumping, and pumping), and teaching new behaviors, and putting up with temper tantrums......and the whole time, you are with the most important person you've ever known in your life. You are "working" with the people you love most on the earth - even if they are sometimes entitled complainers.
Believe me, I've worked with many entitled complainers (see description of my last job)- but I never wanted to smother any of them in kisses or squeeze their thighs until they giggled their faces off. If they told me "good job", I considered it a GREAT success to feel proud of. I consider it a much GREATER success, and I feel MUCH prouder when Mo actually eats the meatball that I put in front of him at dinner time.
I promise to revisit this post when I have more children, because I know those of you with more than one are saying "She doesn't know sh#t!". But, see - I do! I do know sh#t. Because the HARDEST part of being a parent is knowing that you could lose your child - and that is something I've already done. Everything else is a challenge, for sure, but there is nothing else I'd rather be doing in the world and I would pretty much give up anything I have in this world to be able to be parenting both of my children right now - even if it was actually the very hardest job in the world.
I agree it ain't easy. You are responsible for the life of another human being. The little ones can't communicate exactly what they want, which can be frustrating. Sometimes they get sick, and that can be really scary. Your own needs get swept aside sometimes (like sleep), which can be, um, tiring. But, overall - being a parent isn't the hardest job I've ever done. It just isn't. Sorry folks.
The hardest job I've had was my last one - as a regional director of a non-profit. Managing a board of individuals - all of whom were major donors to the organization, all with huge personalities and varying visions of our goals - keeping them happy and trying to stay on their good side every day. I loved the job - but, I was up all night thinking about every word I had written and every conversation I'd had. The reward in that job was in making those people happy and knowing that the big picture was the work we were doing as an organization. Oh ya - and getting paid for it.
Losing Max has been BY FAR the hardest thing I have ever gone through - BY FAR. But, the job of taking care of him.....and I feel like a traitor to parents around the world by saying this.....it just wasn't THAT hard. Neither is taking care of Mo. I mean, YES, there are days where I cannot wait for baby bed time so that I can spend a few minutes reading or writing a message to a friend. But, the actual parenting part - I don't know - it IS hard - just not the hardest thing I've ever done. I've never had more than one child at a time - so I think that will change things DRAMATICALLY if we are ever so lucky as to have another child (or two). I know I will look back on this post and laugh out loud at myself. I also work full time from home and have part time help. Again, it IS hard. I know this. It just isn't the hardest.
And, the difference between the job of parenting and any other job is the reward - you put in ALL of this effort - endless sleepless nights, nursing and pumping (and pumping, and pumping, and pumping), and teaching new behaviors, and putting up with temper tantrums......and the whole time, you are with the most important person you've ever known in your life. You are "working" with the people you love most on the earth - even if they are sometimes entitled complainers.
Believe me, I've worked with many entitled complainers (see description of my last job)- but I never wanted to smother any of them in kisses or squeeze their thighs until they giggled their faces off. If they told me "good job", I considered it a GREAT success to feel proud of. I consider it a much GREATER success, and I feel MUCH prouder when Mo actually eats the meatball that I put in front of him at dinner time.
I promise to revisit this post when I have more children, because I know those of you with more than one are saying "She doesn't know sh#t!". But, see - I do! I do know sh#t. Because the HARDEST part of being a parent is knowing that you could lose your child - and that is something I've already done. Everything else is a challenge, for sure, but there is nothing else I'd rather be doing in the world and I would pretty much give up anything I have in this world to be able to be parenting both of my children right now - even if it was actually the very hardest job in the world.
A thicker skin
Friday, October 4, 2013
You may have noticed that I signed back into Facebook yesterday. I figured it was probably the best way to spread the word about Maxie's Benefit. I think I was right. I got a couple of new registrations and a new silent auction donation from the jeweler that did Ted's wedding band. So, I am very glad that I signed on. And, though I am not Facebook's biggest fan - I did not find myself losing my mind simply looking through the feed like I used to. I even "friended" a few bereaved parents and others that I have met since the time I last used my account.
I was telling another more newly bereaved parent the other day that I think that what has really changed most for me over these last two + years is that I've developed a thicker skin. I was so effing mad for so long - and here is the real truth - I was mad at everyone I knew whose lives just kept on exactly as they had been before Max died. EVERYONE. Even if you think I wasn't mad at you, you should know - I was. There, I said it! I hated seeing their carefree updates about what they ate for brunch, and the funny thing their kid said, and what concert they were seeing at the Bowl. I know it isn't logical - but emotions aren't always logical. I felt like I would be destroyed if a friend lost a child. I have felt destroyed by the death or victimization of many people throughout my life whom I haven't even known. So, I figure that a friend losing a child would probably wipe me out. And, maybe that is easy to for me to say. I'll never know how I would feel about a friend's child dying outside of the context of having Maxie die first - because I am first person in the circle of people I know to have lost a child. But, I was mad that they weren't destroyed. I am not anymore. I get it that just because my life ended that day doesn't mean that the same is true for everyone or really anyone else.
Anger was the prevailing emotion that I felt, mostly outweighing heartbreak, for MONTHS. I was so ANGRY that god took Max, so angry that nobody involved with any part of it even questioned whether they should take more responsibility for their actions, so angry that it was MY Max and not some other kid, so angry that I would never see him again in my life, so angry that my life as I knew it had ended - that I was no longer a mother, that I could no longer live naively thinking that I had a blessed life, that I wouldn't really be able to continue doing my job, and that given what we'd been through, I would probably never feel safe again.
I still feel anger - from time to time. My feelings still get hurt, but not that often. My skin is still pretty thin....but it is so much thicker than it was. When people used to say thoughtless or insensitive things to me, I would brood about them for DAYS. Now, I mostly think, "How thoughtless!" and then I move on. I don't usually waste anymore energy on it (of course there are always exceptions for the REALLY thoughtless insensitive comments - they can bring me right back into that angry hell I lived in).
In early grief, there is no barrier between you and the mean world. All of your defenses are stripped away and you are left completely exposed and unable to manage any of it. Time doesn't heal all wounds. I am still JUST AS devastated today as I was on July 19, 2011 that Maxie is gone - in some ways, even more...but I have developed some coping skills...and if you've recently (or not so recently) lost someone you love also, I know you will too.
I was telling another more newly bereaved parent the other day that I think that what has really changed most for me over these last two + years is that I've developed a thicker skin. I was so effing mad for so long - and here is the real truth - I was mad at everyone I knew whose lives just kept on exactly as they had been before Max died. EVERYONE. Even if you think I wasn't mad at you, you should know - I was. There, I said it! I hated seeing their carefree updates about what they ate for brunch, and the funny thing their kid said, and what concert they were seeing at the Bowl. I know it isn't logical - but emotions aren't always logical. I felt like I would be destroyed if a friend lost a child. I have felt destroyed by the death or victimization of many people throughout my life whom I haven't even known. So, I figure that a friend losing a child would probably wipe me out. And, maybe that is easy to for me to say. I'll never know how I would feel about a friend's child dying outside of the context of having Maxie die first - because I am first person in the circle of people I know to have lost a child. But, I was mad that they weren't destroyed. I am not anymore. I get it that just because my life ended that day doesn't mean that the same is true for everyone or really anyone else.
Anger was the prevailing emotion that I felt, mostly outweighing heartbreak, for MONTHS. I was so ANGRY that god took Max, so angry that nobody involved with any part of it even questioned whether they should take more responsibility for their actions, so angry that it was MY Max and not some other kid, so angry that I would never see him again in my life, so angry that my life as I knew it had ended - that I was no longer a mother, that I could no longer live naively thinking that I had a blessed life, that I wouldn't really be able to continue doing my job, and that given what we'd been through, I would probably never feel safe again.
I still feel anger - from time to time. My feelings still get hurt, but not that often. My skin is still pretty thin....but it is so much thicker than it was. When people used to say thoughtless or insensitive things to me, I would brood about them for DAYS. Now, I mostly think, "How thoughtless!" and then I move on. I don't usually waste anymore energy on it (of course there are always exceptions for the REALLY thoughtless insensitive comments - they can bring me right back into that angry hell I lived in).
In early grief, there is no barrier between you and the mean world. All of your defenses are stripped away and you are left completely exposed and unable to manage any of it. Time doesn't heal all wounds. I am still JUST AS devastated today as I was on July 19, 2011 that Maxie is gone - in some ways, even more...but I have developed some coping skills...and if you've recently (or not so recently) lost someone you love also, I know you will too.
The library today
Thursday, October 3, 2013
There is a library near our house that I worked from a lot during my darkest year. I used it as an excuse to get out of my house. I knew that, though I was pregnant, nobody would start conversations with me about the baby and whether it was my first - because libraries are quiet. I would take breaks from my work to skim magazines, read books on grief and scan the paranormal aisle for information on how I might be able to connect to Maxie. It was a safe place for me for the most part. I just had to be careful of two things - never to get a seat facing the playground outside the building and never to go there on Tuesday mornings at 11 am, when there was a toddler storybook time.
After Mo was born, I didn't go there for a long time. It reminded me of my desperation to escape from hell. Anyway, I didn't need a location escape anymore as much. Mo became my escape - freeing me bit by bit from loneliness of the nightmare of losing my only child.
Recently, we signed Mo up for the toddler storybook time at the library. He loves it. Most weeks, his nanny takes him, since I am at home working. A couple of weeks ago though, she took Jakey to radiation for me so that I could take Mo to the storybook time. It's honestly hard to say who enjoyed it more. I felt triumphant sitting in that room with 20 toddlers and their parents and caretakers, acting like I was one of the bunch, like I belonged. I am not like them - but they don't need to know that. I loved watching Mo crawling over to all of the kids surrounding us. I loved watching him play in the bubbles that the librarian turns on after the book is read, the songs are sung and the little movie is watched. I loved sitting with him at one of the small tables and doing an art project "with" him. It is the nicest children's library I've nearly ever seen - and so well used.
We've even started playing on the playground. I couldn't even look at it before. Now, we sit in the sand and climb up the ladders and slide down the slides and eat goldfish and laugh and hug. It's like a dream come true - honestly. Some people (including me) dream of winning the lottery - I dream of hanging out with my living child in a space that is crawling with other children.
I love pretending I am a regular mom. Honestly.
In the library
On the playground
PS - I am in FULL Chill Music Mode over here! Please sign up to come to Maxie's Benefit! DVR your football game, come after you go to that birthday party, get your manicure later in the afternoon, go to the Saturday Farmers Market instead (there is one near our house at the Autry Museum - we will see you there), rearrange your kid's nap schedule for the day - just register and come! You are killing me! (Well, not those of you who have registered :) )
Maxie's Benefit - So soon!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
As I mentioned yesterday, I was at Golden Road Brewing on Monday to go over the logistics of Maxie's Birthday Benefit with their lovely and helpful staff. I have to say that seeing the space again - it was SO much better than I even remembered it in my head.
After seeing their private event space, Chloe's, you will all leave thinking about what kind of event you can book there. It is so RAD! Plus, we have the whole side lawn (which is huge) to ourselves from 10:30 - 12 before the general public joins us there (because your kids will NOT want to leave this place). There is a life-size Connect 4 and a life-size Jenga, a Foosball table, air hockey and much more - plus we will have some of our own stuff going on as well - face painting and crafts supervised by the sitters being donated to our event by urbansitter.com. There will be two brewery tours that you can sign up to go on: each one lasts about an hour, kids are welcome. Everyone who plans on participating in the brewery tour must wear flat, closed toed shoes.
Inside of Chloe's there will be lots of delicious food (this is not regular pub food - I swear - everything is delicious - with lots of vegan and vegetarian options as well), beer that is brewed RIGHT THERE, and of course, non-alcoholic beverages as well for adults and kids. Golden Road is giving us everything at close to their cost and then our sponsors have helped to bring the price down even further. You will enjoy the day and I promise you will feel good about supporting the cause - protecting babies! www.firstcandle.org/maxie
A lot of my friends have been working really hard on our silent auction. I am so impressed with all of the wonderful items that they have secured for us! There will be a lot of great stuff, including, but not AT ALL limited to:
SO MANY items from Cuisinart - coffee maker, hand blender, kettle, snow cone machines....ETCETERA!
Belly Dancing Classes
Jedi Training and Fencing Classes
Signature Massage at DTox Day Spa
Pure Barre 10 class series (in Brentwood and Woodland Hills)
Magic Castle Entrances
Universal Studios Tours passes
Disney passes
Cancun vacation
Yo Gabba Gabba Live Show & Backstage Passes
Costa Rica private villa
Restaurant gift certificates
Private Pilates Lessons
Xbox Kinect
Nutrition/Life Coaching
Landscape Design
Signed Sports Collectors Items
Sewing Lessons
and Kids Packages
Listen, I know you aren't coming for the auction and face painting. I know you would be coming to support us. And, I know it is a little scary to see us - because we lost Max and you know that this event will be "bittersweet" for us. But, I promise that it will be a fun day, that there will be light throughout the afternoon that shines down on all of us, and that you will feel good about being there and helping us to honor Maxie's memory. It's ok for you to bring your children - in fact - our whole event has been designed so that those of you with children will have as much fun as those of you without. We want to see your kids. I promise.
Please, please come.....and please register ahead of time. I do need to give the venue a head count so day-of registration is discouraged (it's possible, but not preferable :)) www.firstcandle.org/maxie
Sunday, October 20th - 10:30 am - 2 pm!
Golden Road Brewing
5410 W San Fernando Rd, Los Angeles, CA 90039
Thank you AGAIN to our generous sponsors for making this all possible:
Golden Road Brewing and Chloe's
Silver Sponsors - Pacific Western Bank and Keller Williams Hollywood Hills
Bronze Sponsors - Natalie Mansour DMD Pediatric Dentistry & Central Orthodontics; Urbansitter.com
Sapphire Sponsor - A2E
Friends of Maxie - Dezue Design; Fleishman Law Firm; The Law Offices of Zomber & Panagiotis; Susan Chadney, Realtor; Howard & Marsha Spike
And our Silent Auction Donors:
Lambs & Ivy, UrbanSitter, OliveU, Sew Jessica, Villa Mot Mot, Dezue, Molly Niles, Curveball Health Coaching, PureBarre, Dance Garden, Shift by Dana Perri, Yo Gabba Gabba, Magic Castle, Farmer & Ridley LLP, Billy's, Doc McStuffins, Kitchen Karate, Shaquille O'Neil, Mayim Bialik, Aquarium of the Pacific, Granola Babies, Scott & Amy Malin, Josh & Ali Laurano, Tom Freund, renee & jeremy, Luved Clothing, Suki, Sisters of Los Angeles, Sleepy Planet, What's Meant 2 Be, Dtox Day Spa, 3 finger winery, Bluebeam- Revu, Swordplay LA, Papapietro Perry Boutique Winery, Sunland Vintage Winery, Disney, Cancun Premier Vacations, Atlantis Hotel & Casino, Mohawk Bend, Golden Road Brewing, Tony's Darts Away, Derek Brown, Auntie Esther, Uncle Ritchie, Gigi, Papa Chuck, Uncle Paul & G-Ma Susanna
And our WONDERFUL friends who have helped by donating time, securing sponsorships, volunteering at the event and supporting us themselves........ we could NEVER do any of this (including laughing and living) without you all!
Ann Frederick, Matt Panagiotis, Sharon Halkin, Kate Spitser, Sammy Castro, Carly Vazana, Ashley Wyatt, Jared & Courtney Wolff, Rachael Petru Horowitz, Kim Birbrower, Stacy Walter, Josh & Ali Laurano, Erika Montes, Nancy Meyer, Eowyn Greeno, Stefanie Elkins, Amy Robinson, David Fischer, Bonnie Mclean, Erin White, Molly Niles, Jessica Dooley, Tamar Tamler, Leslie Bell Levy, Sigalle Feig, Greg Heller, Jenna Rosenberg, Rose Gabaeff McAllister, Auntie Esther, Uncle Ritchie, Gigi, Papa Chuck, Cousin Laurie, Cousin Jennifer, Cousin Linda Green, Uncle Paul, Lyndsey Thomson, Auntie Beth, G-Ma Susanna........if I have forgotten you, it isn't because I don't appreciate you!
After seeing their private event space, Chloe's, you will all leave thinking about what kind of event you can book there. It is so RAD! Plus, we have the whole side lawn (which is huge) to ourselves from 10:30 - 12 before the general public joins us there (because your kids will NOT want to leave this place). There is a life-size Connect 4 and a life-size Jenga, a Foosball table, air hockey and much more - plus we will have some of our own stuff going on as well - face painting and crafts supervised by the sitters being donated to our event by urbansitter.com. There will be two brewery tours that you can sign up to go on: each one lasts about an hour, kids are welcome. Everyone who plans on participating in the brewery tour must wear flat, closed toed shoes.
Inside of Chloe's there will be lots of delicious food (this is not regular pub food - I swear - everything is delicious - with lots of vegan and vegetarian options as well), beer that is brewed RIGHT THERE, and of course, non-alcoholic beverages as well for adults and kids. Golden Road is giving us everything at close to their cost and then our sponsors have helped to bring the price down even further. You will enjoy the day and I promise you will feel good about supporting the cause - protecting babies! www.firstcandle.org/maxie
A lot of my friends have been working really hard on our silent auction. I am so impressed with all of the wonderful items that they have secured for us! There will be a lot of great stuff, including, but not AT ALL limited to:
SO MANY items from Cuisinart - coffee maker, hand blender, kettle, snow cone machines....ETCETERA!
Belly Dancing Classes
Jedi Training and Fencing Classes
Signature Massage at DTox Day Spa
Pure Barre 10 class series (in Brentwood and Woodland Hills)
Magic Castle Entrances
Universal Studios Tours passes
Disney passes
Cancun vacation
Yo Gabba Gabba Live Show & Backstage Passes
Costa Rica private villa
Restaurant gift certificates
Private Pilates Lessons
Xbox Kinect
Nutrition/Life Coaching
Landscape Design
Signed Sports Collectors Items
Sewing Lessons
and Kids Packages
Listen, I know you aren't coming for the auction and face painting. I know you would be coming to support us. And, I know it is a little scary to see us - because we lost Max and you know that this event will be "bittersweet" for us. But, I promise that it will be a fun day, that there will be light throughout the afternoon that shines down on all of us, and that you will feel good about being there and helping us to honor Maxie's memory. It's ok for you to bring your children - in fact - our whole event has been designed so that those of you with children will have as much fun as those of you without. We want to see your kids. I promise.
Please, please come.....and please register ahead of time. I do need to give the venue a head count so day-of registration is discouraged (it's possible, but not preferable :)) www.firstcandle.org/maxie
Sunday, October 20th - 10:30 am - 2 pm!
Golden Road Brewing
5410 W San Fernando Rd, Los Angeles, CA 90039
Thank you AGAIN to our generous sponsors for making this all possible:
Golden Road Brewing and Chloe's
Silver Sponsors - Pacific Western Bank and Keller Williams Hollywood Hills
Bronze Sponsors - Natalie Mansour DMD Pediatric Dentistry & Central Orthodontics; Urbansitter.com
Sapphire Sponsor - A2E
Friends of Maxie - Dezue Design; Fleishman Law Firm; The Law Offices of Zomber & Panagiotis; Susan Chadney, Realtor; Howard & Marsha Spike
And our Silent Auction Donors:
Lambs & Ivy, UrbanSitter, OliveU, Sew Jessica, Villa Mot Mot, Dezue, Molly Niles, Curveball Health Coaching, PureBarre, Dance Garden, Shift by Dana Perri, Yo Gabba Gabba, Magic Castle, Farmer & Ridley LLP, Billy's, Doc McStuffins, Kitchen Karate, Shaquille O'Neil, Mayim Bialik, Aquarium of the Pacific, Granola Babies, Scott & Amy Malin, Josh & Ali Laurano, Tom Freund, renee & jeremy, Luved Clothing, Suki, Sisters of Los Angeles, Sleepy Planet, What's Meant 2 Be, Dtox Day Spa, 3 finger winery, Bluebeam- Revu, Swordplay LA, Papapietro Perry Boutique Winery, Sunland Vintage Winery, Disney, Cancun Premier Vacations, Atlantis Hotel & Casino, Mohawk Bend, Golden Road Brewing, Tony's Darts Away, Derek Brown, Auntie Esther, Uncle Ritchie, Gigi, Papa Chuck, Uncle Paul & G-Ma Susanna
And our WONDERFUL friends who have helped by donating time, securing sponsorships, volunteering at the event and supporting us themselves........ we could NEVER do any of this (including laughing and living) without you all!
Ann Frederick, Matt Panagiotis, Sharon Halkin, Kate Spitser, Sammy Castro, Carly Vazana, Ashley Wyatt, Jared & Courtney Wolff, Rachael Petru Horowitz, Kim Birbrower, Stacy Walter, Josh & Ali Laurano, Erika Montes, Nancy Meyer, Eowyn Greeno, Stefanie Elkins, Amy Robinson, David Fischer, Bonnie Mclean, Erin White, Molly Niles, Jessica Dooley, Tamar Tamler, Leslie Bell Levy, Sigalle Feig, Greg Heller, Jenna Rosenberg, Rose Gabaeff McAllister, Auntie Esther, Uncle Ritchie, Gigi, Papa Chuck, Cousin Laurie, Cousin Jennifer, Cousin Linda Green, Uncle Paul, Lyndsey Thomson, Auntie Beth, G-Ma Susanna........if I have forgotten you, it isn't because I don't appreciate you!
Letting Go
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
I thought if I kept myself REALLY busy, I would be ok.
I am planning Maxie's Birthday Benefit, a baby shower for one of my best friends, a weekend camping trip, and a vacation to Costa Rica for my 40th birthday. I am also working full time and spending lots and lots of time with my Mosie.
And yet, despite ALL of this distraction..... despite all of these good things to look forward to.......I am crumbling. CRUMBLING. For the last two days, every time I have been alone, I break down. Yesterday morning, I couldn't even look our nanny in the face when she walked in the door because my eyes were so full of tears. I went to Golden Road Brewing yesterday to go over the logistics of Maxie's Benefit with their staff and then got in my car to leave after the meeting and promptly broke down and bawled. Ted and I got in a mini argument last night about Jake's new diet and all of the medicine he has to take and after we made up, I just cried myself to sleep. I can't even believe sometimes that we ever still argue over stupid stuff when our lives have been hit by a tsunami the size of a mountain.
The fact is - I am just aching all over. I am sick to my stomach. I cannot explain how much I wish I had a three year old little boy to love today. No words will do justice to how deep my longing for Max is.
I am finally at the point where I can hang out with kids who are the age that Max should be. And, what kills me is how wonderful they are. Three year olds are amazing. They are cute like babies, but they have strong opinions, they say the funniest things, they are such good snugglers. I know my Max would be wonderful. There is no doubt in my mind. If I love other people's three year olds so much, I know that I would be absolutely out of mind WILD about Max. I am wild about him now, and he isn't even here.
And, sometimes when I am reveling in the love I have for Mo - which is etheric and unearthly and all-consuming and I feel it in my bones - I remember that I loved his brother this deeply as well. And, I still do but I don't get to LOVE him like I love Mo - with hugs, and kisses, and trips to the park, and watching our favorite shows, and cuddles, and .....PHYSICALLY. I don't get to know how he is, or help him make friends, or tell him how wonderful he is. And, it just makes me sick, sick, sick.
And, I guess no matter how many distractions I have - I will never be able to let go of the immediacy of this loss. I will never, ever let go of Maxie.
I am planning Maxie's Birthday Benefit, a baby shower for one of my best friends, a weekend camping trip, and a vacation to Costa Rica for my 40th birthday. I am also working full time and spending lots and lots of time with my Mosie.
And yet, despite ALL of this distraction..... despite all of these good things to look forward to.......I am crumbling. CRUMBLING. For the last two days, every time I have been alone, I break down. Yesterday morning, I couldn't even look our nanny in the face when she walked in the door because my eyes were so full of tears. I went to Golden Road Brewing yesterday to go over the logistics of Maxie's Benefit with their staff and then got in my car to leave after the meeting and promptly broke down and bawled. Ted and I got in a mini argument last night about Jake's new diet and all of the medicine he has to take and after we made up, I just cried myself to sleep. I can't even believe sometimes that we ever still argue over stupid stuff when our lives have been hit by a tsunami the size of a mountain.
The fact is - I am just aching all over. I am sick to my stomach. I cannot explain how much I wish I had a three year old little boy to love today. No words will do justice to how deep my longing for Max is.
I am finally at the point where I can hang out with kids who are the age that Max should be. And, what kills me is how wonderful they are. Three year olds are amazing. They are cute like babies, but they have strong opinions, they say the funniest things, they are such good snugglers. I know my Max would be wonderful. There is no doubt in my mind. If I love other people's three year olds so much, I know that I would be absolutely out of mind WILD about Max. I am wild about him now, and he isn't even here.
And, sometimes when I am reveling in the love I have for Mo - which is etheric and unearthly and all-consuming and I feel it in my bones - I remember that I loved his brother this deeply as well. And, I still do but I don't get to LOVE him like I love Mo - with hugs, and kisses, and trips to the park, and watching our favorite shows, and cuddles, and .....PHYSICALLY. I don't get to know how he is, or help him make friends, or tell him how wonderful he is. And, it just makes me sick, sick, sick.
And, I guess no matter how many distractions I have - I will never be able to let go of the immediacy of this loss. I will never, ever let go of Maxie.
Regrets
Monday, September 30, 2013
There is so much I regret from the time surrounding Maxie's death.
I hate how I acted during the shiva. I wanted people to be comfortable. I wanted them to see that I was still here. I wanted them to know I was strong. I walked around making small talk with people, laughing at their stories and jokes, telling so many of my own. I was in shock. I think I figured I would be dead in a week or so and I wanted to make sure that my last interactions with people seemed upbeat. I was trying to distract myself from the reality of my life.
I regret sending Maxie to the pediatrician that I did. He was a little odd but seemed like a good doctor. I kept thinking that I would change but then he grew on me and I just left it alone. I don't think he is responsible for what happened - but I just don't know. I hated the way he abruptly got off the phone with me and said, "these things sometimes happen" when he learned that Maxie died. That conversation will haunt me for the rest of my days.
I regret that Maxie was in daycare. I have to leave it at that because this is an especially complicated regret that I guess I can't talk much about. But, if I could change one thing - this would be it.
I regret that I continued to expose myself to people who pushed me too much when I was barely clinging to life. So much damage was done. As I climb my way out of the hole, I keep finding thousands of new wounds. It has taken so much work to just heal myself from those surface wounds - precious energy that I needed to work on healing the big, big, big wound. I feel like I had to push away so much gunk to get to the actual pain. Like I was bleeding to death and still being continuously stabbed by a thousand tiny knives.
I regret not knowing that something was wrong - even if there was no way to know - I am his mother. In my heart, I can't escape the feeling that I should have known. I regret that I couldn't save his life. I regret that my prayers weren't good enough or loud enough or important enough to save Maxie's life.
I regret that I am alive and he is not. He deserves life so much more than me. He had his whole life ahead of him. I have a lifetime of pain, living without him, ahead of me. It's not fair. None of it is. And sometimes I just feel embarrassed that I am alive and he is not. Simple as that.
I miss him. I am battered and tired and tired of crying all of the time. I miss him. So much.
I hate how I acted during the shiva. I wanted people to be comfortable. I wanted them to see that I was still here. I wanted them to know I was strong. I walked around making small talk with people, laughing at their stories and jokes, telling so many of my own. I was in shock. I think I figured I would be dead in a week or so and I wanted to make sure that my last interactions with people seemed upbeat. I was trying to distract myself from the reality of my life.
I regret sending Maxie to the pediatrician that I did. He was a little odd but seemed like a good doctor. I kept thinking that I would change but then he grew on me and I just left it alone. I don't think he is responsible for what happened - but I just don't know. I hated the way he abruptly got off the phone with me and said, "these things sometimes happen" when he learned that Maxie died. That conversation will haunt me for the rest of my days.
I regret that Maxie was in daycare. I have to leave it at that because this is an especially complicated regret that I guess I can't talk much about. But, if I could change one thing - this would be it.
I regret that I continued to expose myself to people who pushed me too much when I was barely clinging to life. So much damage was done. As I climb my way out of the hole, I keep finding thousands of new wounds. It has taken so much work to just heal myself from those surface wounds - precious energy that I needed to work on healing the big, big, big wound. I feel like I had to push away so much gunk to get to the actual pain. Like I was bleeding to death and still being continuously stabbed by a thousand tiny knives.
I regret not knowing that something was wrong - even if there was no way to know - I am his mother. In my heart, I can't escape the feeling that I should have known. I regret that I couldn't save his life. I regret that my prayers weren't good enough or loud enough or important enough to save Maxie's life.
I regret that I am alive and he is not. He deserves life so much more than me. He had his whole life ahead of him. I have a lifetime of pain, living without him, ahead of me. It's not fair. None of it is. And sometimes I just feel embarrassed that I am alive and he is not. Simple as that.
I miss him. I am battered and tired and tired of crying all of the time. I miss him. So much.
The good part
Sunday, September 29, 2013
The only good part about having a sick baby all week was getting lots of couch snuggles.
My Little Peach
Saturday, September 28, 2013
He's still a little grumpy.....but feeling much, much better. And, most importantly - he is eating again! The not eating thing makes me crazy....even if it is "normal".
He just grabbed this peach right out of my hands and started going to town on it.
If you build it...
Friday, September 27, 2013
Will they come?
In my former professional role, I was in charge of planning a large fundraising dinner every year. Even though there were many other events that I planned throughout the year and I had a million other things that I was responsible for - I would spend most of the year stressing about that dinner. In the months leading up to the dinner, I would listen to the "chill" station in the car, practicing deep breathing and repeating mantras to myself like, "It will all work out" and "The room will be filled and it will be a huge success". I would often find myself imagining the Beverly Hills Hotel ballroom completely empty and it would make me out of my mind anxious. Of course, it would always work out and though some dinners were more successful than others, I would always feel good about our event.
I have a little bit of that going on right now. What if nobody comes to Maxie's Birthday Benefit? If I build it, will they come? I know you are coming! So many of you have told me that you have. But, it would really put my mind at ease if you would register. If you haven't done so already, please go to www.firstcandle.org/maxie. We do have a bunch of early registrants already (THANK YOU!) but I would like a whole lot more. Please, please, please help us honor the memory of our sweet baby and help us to support an organization that is very dear to our hearts. Working with First Candle has been such a lift for me. Many of their staff are also parents who've lost children and they know how important this event is to us and they honor their own children when they help us. It's really a community of people who know and share our pain - working hard to stop this mystery death from happening to anymore babies.
And - the event is going to be really fun. What could be wrong with food and beer and brewery tours and children activities and a great silent auction? NOTHING. You will have a really good time at our event, I promise.
Please take a moment today and register before I have to start listening to the chill station! www.firstcandle.org/maxie. And, if you cannot make it, consider making a donation! You can use the same link to register and make a donation!
Thank you!
In my former professional role, I was in charge of planning a large fundraising dinner every year. Even though there were many other events that I planned throughout the year and I had a million other things that I was responsible for - I would spend most of the year stressing about that dinner. In the months leading up to the dinner, I would listen to the "chill" station in the car, practicing deep breathing and repeating mantras to myself like, "It will all work out" and "The room will be filled and it will be a huge success". I would often find myself imagining the Beverly Hills Hotel ballroom completely empty and it would make me out of my mind anxious. Of course, it would always work out and though some dinners were more successful than others, I would always feel good about our event.
I have a little bit of that going on right now. What if nobody comes to Maxie's Birthday Benefit? If I build it, will they come? I know you are coming! So many of you have told me that you have. But, it would really put my mind at ease if you would register. If you haven't done so already, please go to www.firstcandle.org/maxie. We do have a bunch of early registrants already (THANK YOU!) but I would like a whole lot more. Please, please, please help us honor the memory of our sweet baby and help us to support an organization that is very dear to our hearts. Working with First Candle has been such a lift for me. Many of their staff are also parents who've lost children and they know how important this event is to us and they honor their own children when they help us. It's really a community of people who know and share our pain - working hard to stop this mystery death from happening to anymore babies.
And - the event is going to be really fun. What could be wrong with food and beer and brewery tours and children activities and a great silent auction? NOTHING. You will have a really good time at our event, I promise.
Please take a moment today and register before I have to start listening to the chill station! www.firstcandle.org/maxie. And, if you cannot make it, consider making a donation! You can use the same link to register and make a donation!
Thank you!
An impactful interview
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I heard Michael J Fox being interviewed on Howard Stern yesterday. It had me thinking for the rest of the day about living life after an unexpected devastating life occurrence. There were a few things he said that stood out to me.
One was that his initial reaction was that the diagnosis was unfair or that the doctor had it wrong. I still feel this way all of the time. My son can't be the one that died of SIDS. There are times I still expect to wake up from this nightmare and realize that we are fine.
The second was that his grief was so overwhelming that he spend a full year feeling angry, self medicating and full of fear and that the way out of those feelings was gradual and took a lot of work. I don't even really need to explain how much I relate. It took a full year to even begin to sort out my emotions and start to figure out how I was possibly going to live the rest of my life without Max.
The third was that being diagnosed with Parkinson's made him realize that bad things could happen to him, which I am sure he hadn't given much thought to before that time. He said that after the diagnosis, he kept waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and then people would remind him that the other shoe had already dropped - he was diagnosed with Parkinson's - everything after that would be a walk in the park. I flip flop between these feelings all of the time. I am almost surprised every morning that Mo has lived another day because my brain has been rewired to almost expect the worst. On the other hand, I work hard to retrain it every day and remind myself that nothing (NOTHING) can ever happen again that will be as horrific as losing Max. The "other shoe" already dropped.
The last thing he said that I keep thinking about was in response to the criticisms he received of how he handled his diagnosis because MAN, people LOVE to criticize people who are going through hell. He said that that is when he realized how B.S criticism actually is because the only people that matter in the case of how he handles his disease is himself and his family. That is it.
One was that his initial reaction was that the diagnosis was unfair or that the doctor had it wrong. I still feel this way all of the time. My son can't be the one that died of SIDS. There are times I still expect to wake up from this nightmare and realize that we are fine.
The second was that his grief was so overwhelming that he spend a full year feeling angry, self medicating and full of fear and that the way out of those feelings was gradual and took a lot of work. I don't even really need to explain how much I relate. It took a full year to even begin to sort out my emotions and start to figure out how I was possibly going to live the rest of my life without Max.
The third was that being diagnosed with Parkinson's made him realize that bad things could happen to him, which I am sure he hadn't given much thought to before that time. He said that after the diagnosis, he kept waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and then people would remind him that the other shoe had already dropped - he was diagnosed with Parkinson's - everything after that would be a walk in the park. I flip flop between these feelings all of the time. I am almost surprised every morning that Mo has lived another day because my brain has been rewired to almost expect the worst. On the other hand, I work hard to retrain it every day and remind myself that nothing (NOTHING) can ever happen again that will be as horrific as losing Max. The "other shoe" already dropped.
The last thing he said that I keep thinking about was in response to the criticisms he received of how he handled his diagnosis because MAN, people LOVE to criticize people who are going through hell. He said that that is when he realized how B.S criticism actually is because the only people that matter in the case of how he handles his disease is himself and his family. That is it.
Bad Ass
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
We are going on day three of complete misery over here! Mo woke up sick on Monday - like really sick - sleeping all day, high fevers, multiple dosage of baby tylenol, and SO MUCH crying. Yesterday, the fever went away but the crying remained. Today he is just SO grumpy. At times, I feel like I might lose my mind and I worry that he isn't sick anymore - maybe this is just his new personality. Since Monday, he has probably only eaten a handful of puffs, 1/4 of a banana and like 20 blueberries. The no eating makes me totally insane. I feel like I don't even deserve the luxury of feeling frazzled either because I am just so grateful he is alive.
I got this text on Sunday from another momma who lost her child. If I had a nickel for every shmuck who ever told me that god only gives us what we can handle!
Today, I must channel my inner bad ass once again for day three of this:
The futilty of anger
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
There comes a time when it is easier to forgive (or just stop caring) than to keep being angry. What I've learned is that nobody owes me anything. And, if they don't care about what happened to us, no matter how close they are to us (whether they are immediate family or the people who interacted with Max daily, or distant acquaintances), I can't make them care. I can be disappointed that my relationships weren't all what I thought they were - but that is about it. Being angry that people aren't empathetic is futile. They still don't care.
The truth is that for every light that burned out, one lit up in its place - Friends and acquaintances and strangers who do care - like a black desert sky with a million twinkling stars. The stars of my current life are made up of other parents who are going through this nightmare, people I never would have expected to hear from, literal strangers who have become my closest confidants, friends who I'd lost touch with ages ago, and best best friends who reminded me why I loved them so much to begin with.
It sometimes becomes habit to call certain people your friends, because you've been doing it for so long. There are other people who you call friends because you've shared some laughs. It sometimes takes a gigantic event to reevaluate what friendship really means anyway. And, not everyone needs to be someone you would want to call a friend. Some people are just there - in your life by circumstance rather than by choice. You can keep laughing with them without being friends or expecting anything more than that. It is easier to accept that than to be angry that they aren't more. It took a long time for me to get here.
The truth is that for every light that burned out, one lit up in its place - Friends and acquaintances and strangers who do care - like a black desert sky with a million twinkling stars. The stars of my current life are made up of other parents who are going through this nightmare, people I never would have expected to hear from, literal strangers who have become my closest confidants, friends who I'd lost touch with ages ago, and best best friends who reminded me why I loved them so much to begin with.
It sometimes becomes habit to call certain people your friends, because you've been doing it for so long. There are other people who you call friends because you've shared some laughs. It sometimes takes a gigantic event to reevaluate what friendship really means anyway. And, not everyone needs to be someone you would want to call a friend. Some people are just there - in your life by circumstance rather than by choice. You can keep laughing with them without being friends or expecting anything more than that. It is easier to accept that than to be angry that they aren't more. It took a long time for me to get here.
Impatient
Monday, September 23, 2013
"Do you guys want to have more children?"
I get asked this all of the time. The answer is yes. In fact, I really really thought I would be pregnant again by now.
If I wasn't turning 40 in November, I'd probably be planning my next 2 pregnancies. Planning is the only thing that gives me sanity....but, I've learned planning can be an exercise in futility. Using my fertility monitor and going to weekly acupuncture appointments hasn't really gotten me anywhere yet. It isn't devastating - just disappointing.
And here is the other (maybe not so obvious) thing - I "should" be done. Before losing Max, we figured we'd probably have two children. So, I should be done with the having babies part of my life. I should have two little boys running around my house right now. That's not how it worked out for us though. And what is also daunting is that unlike so many other zen mommas I know, I don't really love being pregnant. I love knowing my baby is in there, feeling the kicks and I love the anticipation of getting to meet him or her, but I am not comfortable as a pregnant woman. It kills my back, I have trouble sleeping, last time I got a crazy intensely itchy rash all over my body, and since losing Max - pregnancy is horrifically scary.
And yet, I am profoundly disappointed that it isn't happening quicker. Go ahead and call me impatient - I've certainly been called worse.
I get asked this all of the time. The answer is yes. In fact, I really really thought I would be pregnant again by now.
If I wasn't turning 40 in November, I'd probably be planning my next 2 pregnancies. Planning is the only thing that gives me sanity....but, I've learned planning can be an exercise in futility. Using my fertility monitor and going to weekly acupuncture appointments hasn't really gotten me anywhere yet. It isn't devastating - just disappointing.
And here is the other (maybe not so obvious) thing - I "should" be done. Before losing Max, we figured we'd probably have two children. So, I should be done with the having babies part of my life. I should have two little boys running around my house right now. That's not how it worked out for us though. And what is also daunting is that unlike so many other zen mommas I know, I don't really love being pregnant. I love knowing my baby is in there, feeling the kicks and I love the anticipation of getting to meet him or her, but I am not comfortable as a pregnant woman. It kills my back, I have trouble sleeping, last time I got a crazy intensely itchy rash all over my body, and since losing Max - pregnancy is horrifically scary.
And yet, I am profoundly disappointed that it isn't happening quicker. Go ahead and call me impatient - I've certainly been called worse.
Cutting Loose
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I don't cut loose too much anymore, but when I do - watch out! It's possible that I may have gone a teensy bit overboard yesterday but rest assured that I am paying for it today. Cutting loose isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Boppy
Saturday, September 21, 2013
First Candle has partnered with Boppy to educate the public about safe sleep.
Please think about following the safe sleep guidelines with your babies and with the babies of other people.
Do not put a Boppy or any other pillow of any kind in the crib with your baby. The tag on the Boppy says that it is not to be used for sleep.
You will never regret following these guidelines.
The folks at First Candle are working hard to educate parents and caregivers about safe sleep practices. Please support them by coming or donating to Maxie's Birthday Benefit!
If you are interested in volunteering for Maxie's event, please contact me at teddyabby at gmail dot com.
Thank you!
Please think about following the safe sleep guidelines with your babies and with the babies of other people.
Do not put a Boppy or any other pillow of any kind in the crib with your baby. The tag on the Boppy says that it is not to be used for sleep.
You will never regret following these guidelines.
The folks at First Candle are working hard to educate parents and caregivers about safe sleep practices. Please support them by coming or donating to Maxie's Birthday Benefit!
If you are interested in volunteering for Maxie's event, please contact me at teddyabby at gmail dot com.
Thank you!
Register Today!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Maxie's Benefit is one month away (Sunday, October 20th)! I promise you that you will not regret coming, supporting a very important cause, bringing much joy to our family and others going through the grief of losing their child, and having a good time at the same time.
www.firstcandle.org/maxie - register
Golden Road is such a terrific location. We love it there! As I've mentioned, UrbanSitter.com is generously donating sitters to come to our event and supervise fun activities with your children. There will also be brewery tours, delicious food and lots of beer! Plan to start drinking early...or just eating really delicious food.
Ted and I especially love silent auctions! We have had so many wonderful items donated, including:
Wine Packages,
Cuisinart items
Group exercise packages
Magic Castle Tickets
Universal Studios Tours passes
Disney passes
Cancun vacation
Yo Gabba Gabba Live Show & Backstage Passes
Costa Rica private villa
Restaurant gift certificates
Private Pilates Lessons
Xbox Kinect
Spa Gift Certificate
Life Coaching
Landscape Design
Signed Sports Collectors Items
Sewing Lessons
Kids Packages
AND MORE!!!!!!
Register for Maxie's Birthday Benefit today! www.firstcandle.org/maxie
Thank you to our Silent Auction Donors:
Cuisinart, OliveU, Lambs & Ivy, UrbanSitter, Sew Jessica, Villa Mot Mot, Dezue, Molly Niles, Curveball Health Coaching, PureBarre, Shift by Dana Perri, Yo Gabba Gabba, Magic Castle, Farmer & Ridley LLP, Billy's, Doc McStuffins, Kitchen Karate, Shaquille O'Neil, Mayim Bialik, Aquarium of the Pacific, Granola Babies, Scott Malin, Mozza, Luved Clothing, Suki, Sisters of Los Angeles, Sleepy Planet, What's Meant 2 Be, Dtox Day Spa, 3 finger winery, Papapietro Perry Boutique Winery, Disney, Cancun Premier Vacations, Atlantis Hotel & Casino, Mohawk Bend, Golden Road Brewing, Tony's Darts Away, Steve Rubin, Auntie Esther, Uncle Ritchie, Gigi, Papa Chuck, Uncle Paul & G-Ma Susanna
**If you are interested in making a donation to our silent auction, please contact Abby at teddyabby at gmail dot com.
www.firstcandle.org/maxie - register
Golden Road is such a terrific location. We love it there! As I've mentioned, UrbanSitter.com is generously donating sitters to come to our event and supervise fun activities with your children. There will also be brewery tours, delicious food and lots of beer! Plan to start drinking early...or just eating really delicious food.
Ted and I especially love silent auctions! We have had so many wonderful items donated, including:
Wine Packages,
Cuisinart items
Group exercise packages
Magic Castle Tickets
Universal Studios Tours passes
Disney passes
Cancun vacation
Yo Gabba Gabba Live Show & Backstage Passes
Costa Rica private villa
Restaurant gift certificates
Private Pilates Lessons
Xbox Kinect
Spa Gift Certificate
Life Coaching
Landscape Design
Signed Sports Collectors Items
Sewing Lessons
Kids Packages
AND MORE!!!!!!
Register for Maxie's Birthday Benefit today! www.firstcandle.org/maxie
Thank you to our Silent Auction Donors:
Cuisinart, OliveU, Lambs & Ivy, UrbanSitter, Sew Jessica, Villa Mot Mot, Dezue, Molly Niles, Curveball Health Coaching, PureBarre, Shift by Dana Perri, Yo Gabba Gabba, Magic Castle, Farmer & Ridley LLP, Billy's, Doc McStuffins, Kitchen Karate, Shaquille O'Neil, Mayim Bialik, Aquarium of the Pacific, Granola Babies, Scott Malin, Mozza, Luved Clothing, Suki, Sisters of Los Angeles, Sleepy Planet, What's Meant 2 Be, Dtox Day Spa, 3 finger winery, Papapietro Perry Boutique Winery, Disney, Cancun Premier Vacations, Atlantis Hotel & Casino, Mohawk Bend, Golden Road Brewing, Tony's Darts Away, Steve Rubin, Auntie Esther, Uncle Ritchie, Gigi, Papa Chuck, Uncle Paul & G-Ma Susanna
**If you are interested in making a donation to our silent auction, please contact Abby at teddyabby at gmail dot com.
I don't really want to tell you
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Today is one of those days that I wish I'd gone through with my "sporadic" post. I don't really want to tell you how sick I feel, or how sad I am, or how much taking Jake to radiation every day is killing me (and how lethargic and sick he now seems), or how much I miss my beautiful son Max. I really don't want to tell you how worried I am that things will never get better...that I will be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I don't really want to tell you at all.
But I guess I just did.
But I guess I just did.
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