The library today

There is a library near our house that I worked from a lot during my darkest year.  I used it as an excuse to get out of my house.  I knew that, though I was pregnant, nobody would start conversations with me about the baby and whether it was my first - because libraries are quiet.  I would take breaks from my work to skim magazines, read books on grief and scan the paranormal aisle for information on how I might be able to connect to Maxie.  It was a safe place for me for the most part.  I just had to be careful of two things - never to get a seat facing the playground outside the building and never to go there on Tuesday mornings at 11 am, when there was a toddler storybook time.

After Mo was born, I didn't go there for a long time.  It reminded me of my desperation to escape from hell.  Anyway, I didn't need a location escape anymore as much.  Mo became my escape - freeing me bit by bit from loneliness of the nightmare of losing my only child.

Recently, we signed Mo up for the toddler storybook time at the library.  He loves it.  Most weeks, his nanny takes him, since I am at home working.  A couple of weeks ago though, she took Jakey to radiation for me so that I could take Mo to the storybook time. It's honestly hard to say who enjoyed it more.  I felt triumphant sitting in that room with 20 toddlers and their parents and caretakers, acting like I was one of the bunch, like I belonged.  I am not like them - but they don't need to know that.  I loved watching Mo crawling over to all of the kids surrounding us.  I loved watching him play in the bubbles that the librarian turns on after the book is read, the songs are sung and the little movie is watched.  I loved sitting with him at one of the small tables and doing an art project "with" him.  It is the nicest children's library I've nearly ever seen - and so well used.

We've even started playing on the playground.  I couldn't even look at it before.  Now, we sit in the sand and climb up the ladders and slide down the slides and eat goldfish and laugh and hug.  It's like a dream come true - honestly.  Some people (including me) dream of winning the lottery - I dream of hanging out with my living child in a space that is crawling with other children.

I love pretending I am a regular mom.  Honestly.

In the library

On the playground

PS - I am in FULL Chill Music Mode over here!  Please sign up to come to Maxie's Benefit!  DVR your football game, come after you go to that birthday party, get your manicure later in the afternoon, go to the Saturday Farmers Market instead (there is one near our house at the Autry Museum - we will see you there), rearrange your kid's nap schedule for the day - just register and come!  You are killing me! (Well, not those of you who have registered :)  )

www.firstcandle.org/maxie