Letting Go

I thought if I kept myself REALLY busy, I would be ok.

I am planning Maxie's Birthday Benefit, a baby shower for one of my best friends, a weekend camping trip, and a vacation to Costa Rica for my 40th birthday.  I am also working full time and spending lots and lots of time with my Mosie.

And yet, despite ALL of this distraction..... despite all of these good things to look forward to.......I am crumbling.  CRUMBLING.  For the last two days, every time I have been alone, I break down.  Yesterday morning, I couldn't even look our nanny in the face when she walked in the door because my eyes were so full of tears.  I went to Golden Road Brewing yesterday to go over the logistics of Maxie's Benefit with their staff and then got in my car to leave after the meeting and promptly broke down and bawled.  Ted and I got in a mini argument last night about Jake's new diet and all of the medicine he has to take and after we made up, I just cried myself to sleep.  I can't even believe sometimes that we ever still argue over stupid stuff when our lives have been hit by a tsunami the size of a mountain.

The fact is - I am just aching all over.  I am sick to my stomach.  I cannot explain how much I wish I had a three year old little boy to love today.  No words will do justice to how deep my longing for Max is.

I am finally at the point where I can hang out with kids who are the age that Max should be.  And, what kills me is how wonderful they are.  Three year olds are amazing.  They are cute like babies, but they have strong opinions, they say the funniest things, they are such good snugglers.  I know my Max would be wonderful.  There is no doubt in my mind.  If I love other people's three year olds so much, I know that I would be absolutely out of mind WILD about Max.  I am wild about him now, and he isn't even here.

And, sometimes when I am reveling in the love I have for Mo - which is etheric and unearthly and all-consuming and I feel it in my bones - I remember that I loved his brother this deeply as well.  And, I still do but I don't get to LOVE him like I love Mo - with hugs, and kisses, and trips to the park, and watching our favorite shows, and cuddles, and .....PHYSICALLY.  I don't get to know how he is, or help him make friends, or tell him how wonderful he is.  And, it just makes me sick, sick, sick.

And, I guess no matter how many distractions I have - I will never be able to let go of the immediacy of this loss.  I will never, ever let go of Maxie.


Anonymous said...

My heart aches so much for you. I stumbled on your blog a long time ago. I have girls so close in age to your boys. I live very near you. But unlike what you've written, I always think something could happen to them, I always worry. Maybe because I've had 2 siblings die, but I'm not sure, I think most people I know think it could happen to them. It's so unfair that it happened to my parents. My family. So unfair that it happened to you. I'm so so sorry.

I worry about coming to Maxie's benefit because we're strangers with the same age kids. I wonder if the kinder thing is to just donate money.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Please do come!!! I love kids Maxie's age and am happy to see them. Many of my friends and others will be there with their three year olds. It will of course be a difficult day for us but also one of joy and celebration. I am so sorry about your loss.

Susan said...

You can run, but you can't hide....

3 year olds are great - really, really great. It's a magic age, where they are still cling-ons, still full of wonder, but meeting the world head on with gusto. Then again, every ages is wonderful isn't it? The shit thing is that our kids don't get to do any of it - it hurts so bloody much. I think you can put in a box for a bit - and you can distract yourself for a bit, but you can't hide Abbie - working full time doesn't make you any less of a bereaved mum.

Sometimes I sweat petty stuff less - but losing a child really impacts your coping abilities. Be gentle with yourself - try to do less.

Not sure why Jake is on meds - hope it is nothing too serious xx