Impatient

"Do you guys want to have more children?"

I get asked this all of the time.  The answer is yes.  In fact, I really really thought I would be pregnant again by now.

If I wasn't turning 40 in November, I'd probably be planning my next 2 pregnancies.  Planning is the only thing that gives me sanity....but, I've learned planning can be an exercise in futility.  Using my fertility monitor and going to weekly acupuncture appointments hasn't really gotten me anywhere yet.  It isn't devastating - just disappointing.

And here is the other (maybe not so obvious) thing -  I "should" be done.  Before losing Max, we figured we'd probably have two children.  So, I should be done with the having babies part of my life.  I should have two little boys running around my house right now.  That's not how it worked out for us though.  And what is also daunting is that unlike so many other zen mommas I know, I don't really love being pregnant.  I love knowing my baby is in there, feeling the kicks and I love the anticipation of getting to meet him or her, but I am not comfortable as a pregnant woman.  It kills my back, I have trouble sleeping, last time I got a crazy intensely itchy rash all over my body, and since losing Max - pregnancy is horrifically scary.

And yet, I am profoundly disappointed that it isn't happening quicker.  Go ahead and call me impatient - I've certainly been called worse.