Opening of the flood gates

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Yesterday the flood gates opened, the dam around my heart burst, and I cried from morning until night.  I literally could not stop crying all day.  I sat at my desk and worked and cried.  My mother came over in the afternoon and all I could do was cry.  Ted came home and I cried.  All I could do was cry and cry and cry.  I cannot believe I am expected to walk around for the rest of my life with this gigantic gaping hole in my heart!  I cannot believe it!  For some reason, I thought that finally reaching Mo's nine and a half month birthday would be a weight lifted off my shoulders (which I guess it was in some ways) but it reignited a sadness that I have been pushing down for months.  I miss my baby so much!  I still have no idea how any of this even happened!  I still have no idea why my child is not here today!  It is killing me.  Today, however, I am all cried out....and back to feeling numb....like the living dead.  The stone wall around my heart is being put back together and I guess I will just zombie through this day.

5 comments:

jessica said...

I am so, so sorry. I wish there was some relief for you guys. I am sorry that there isn't. And I am so very sorry that your beautiful baby Maxie is not here with you. It is absolutely devastating and awful. I love you. xo

Bianca said...

I am so sorry. I can imagine the heartbreak of a mama in this world without her baby and I am just so sorry that this is what you live with. You and Maxie should not be apart, it's madness. xo

Taryn said...

I am so sorry that there is no reprieve from the pain. I'm sure that while it is an enormous relief, it is also incredibly heartbreaking as you watch Mo reach these important milestones and move beyond what Max was allowed to do. The loss is just unreconcilable! I wish there were words enough in the world to make an ounce of difference...but I hear you, and cry with you often. Many hugs.

Anonymous said...

I found your site through the Sullengers page and couldn't stop reading about your precious Max. There are no words to explain to you how sorry I am for the loss of your son. It is not fair. I am positive though that your son looks down on you & cherishes you, your husband, and his little brother. Some things in life never, ever make sense. Your sweet boy was so very loved by all of you (and will continue to be forever). There is a page on facebook for a husband & wife team called Macon Photography (in VA Beach). They lost their 8 month old daughter & just welcomed her little sister. They made a video they recently posted, to honor both of their children. I mention this only because I often think of you when I read about them, and vice versa. Sending love & prayers to you.

Egreeno said...

It breaks my heart over and over to know the pain you live with while living without Maxie. My heart breaks that Maxie isn't here among us hitting milestones ahead of Mo and it makes complete sense that Tuesday was such an emotional day for you. It's completely unfair that Mo's big brother never got to pave the way for him in all his coming milestones.

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