The new lucky

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

When I write about how much I LOVE Mo!  How special he is to me!  How much joy he has brought to my life - I feel overwhelming guilt.  Guilt might not even be the right word - but it's the best one I've got.

After losing Max, people kept dismissing our loss, telling us "You can always have more children".  After I got pregnant, they said "Well, at least you can now focus on this child".  I guess it just seemed like no big deal that our baby died.

OOOOOOOOooooooooo!  It made me so mad.  At least!  At least!  At least!  Easy for you to say!!!!!  Have you seen Mo's videos?  Have you seen Maxie's (I have less of those, sadly)?  Can you imagine losing a child?  As I've said before, just because you treat it like it's no big deal - doesn't make it no big deal.  It has broken me.  I feel his absence every moment of every day.  And even when I feel joy, I am acutely aware of the fact that I am feeling joy amidst my deep sorrow.  I don't EVER just feel joy.  It shouldn't have to be this way - for anyone.  It is HARD work - every second.  I know you don't understand - and yet, I still feel COMPELLED to continue to try and explain. It is exhausting.

But, Mo IS here now and he DOES make my life easier.  He doesn't take away the pain of having lost Max.  Nobody could.  But, he makes me feel that life will be good again - a much different kind of good - but still good.  I am lucky.  I AM LUCKY.  I can't even believe I am saying that.  My heart feels sick for those who aren't as lucky as I am.  Those who lost their only child and couldn't have more.  Those who've lost more than one.  Those who've lost whole families....because, Oh My Lord!!!! - it happens.  I feel guilty, guilty, guilty.  I have Mo!

This isn't what I used to call lucky....but it is what I call it now.

2 comments:

HANNAH PATTERSON said...

Just ignore silly comments. These people are just defending themselves from the reality that ANYONE can lose a child. No baby can be replaced by another. That doesn't mean that you don't love Mo with all your heart.

Tiffany said...

yes yes yes! baby girl doesn't take away my pain, but she makes it easier for me to get out of bed every morning. we are lucky to have our rainbows, we are lucky to have had the privilege of birthing/knowing our boys. and unlucky at the same time that we lost our boys. nothing/noone can make that better, or take that away.

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