I am thrilled at the prospect of the weather getting gloomier - something about the outside matching my insides feels balancing.  I was sort of hoping today would be that day - it was looking kind of grey out there and it did rain yesterday.  But, I can see the sunshine poking through my window shade and I know it's going to be "another beautiful day" in Los Angeles.

What's funny is that the lovely weather used to be the main reason that I loved it here so much.  I can remember standing at my bus stop in San Francisco in June of 2006, wearing a winter coat and shielding myself with my umbrella from the downpour.  I knew then that I couldn't stay there, no matter how much I loved it.  I had to get back to Southern California.  Winter weather used to give me the blues.  The BIG TIME blues.

During the first year after Maxie stopped breathing, I rarely left my house and all of those sunny LA days were completely wasted on me.  I hated knowing people were happy outside.  I kept the shades closed all of the time.  The sun seemed my enemy.  My favorite season, summer, was ruined for life - because it took my baby. 

On really rainy days, I loved hearing the thunder and lightning - the sounds of chaos - replicating the feel of my heart.  It felt like the perfect excuse to pull the covers over my head and keep on sleeping - which I was going to do anyway.  It's ok to be angry and sad and sleepy when the sun isn't shining.  Sometimes I just wish it would go away - which is probably why places like Portland and Seattle sound so much more inviting to me now than they ever did before.

Mo brought the sunshine back into my heart.  He made summer better too by being born in the same calendar week that Maxie stopped breathing.  Heck, he even saved July - a month I was planning on scrapping for life.  I love taking him to the park or just outside on our lawn to play when the sun is out.  I do.  But I am just not that sunny girl anymore.  It's in me, but it isn't my prevailing inner season.  My brooding heart still longs for the gloom.

Sun sun go away!  Please come back another day!

1 comment

b said...

That's just how I feel about sunny days-- when I look out the window in the morning and see that it's a beautiful, summery day I usually think--oh, quit showing off, quit obligating me to go outside. My favorite weather is summery with impending gloom, a storm brewing on the horizon, cutting through the sunshine, which feels closer to the truth somehow.